What shezbut said in my other thread has kind of gotten to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shezbut
Typically, low self-esteem is the cause of settling whatever a person is willing to give you. Very low when you are willing to take abuse ~ emotional, sexual, or physical ~ rather than be alone.
In my experience, very low self-esteem comes from being ignored. Especially in early childhood. My pleas for help were ignored, unseen, and I was put down for being stupid. I "deserved" what I got.
Abuse can go on for many years or it can be "every once in awhile". The occasional victims end up scratching their heads in wonder of why and blame themselves. The frequent victims quickly blame themselves for all of their suffering. It's the only way to make logical sense of the hell in the mind of one who has been abused. ~ that's the typical cycle anyway.
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As much as Jesse probably uses me as company, I think I do the same back to him. As you know I've been whining a lot lately about having no friends and being lonely.. This time round, Jesse's been a hell of a lot nicer as more of the negative qualities are revealed about Rachel.. He's already muttered quite a few things that make me better than her and because he's being nice, it's making me question my judgement.
I really want to be able to say this is how I think and this is what I want and no one will ever make me change my mind but I seem to fail.. horribly.
A few times when I brought up Jesse and Rachel to my Dad, he would ask me why I kept going back in the first place, why I keep torchering myself.. Even I myself wonder why.. and this dilemma seems to be a reoccurring thing and I can't stop the cycle until I can figure out a solution to my own personal, emotional problems.. If not Jesse I go back to, it'll be another guy in the future.. as before him it was Rachel, and before her: Steven..
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~ to alter your fate, you must be brave and willing to try something new ~