Putting the emotions and memories in a box..

**This might be in the wrong section but I dunno**

I have a few things that were connected to my last boyfriend that I've put into a box. We sent each other Christmas cards last year. I ripped that up.. twice.. and I put it in there. I had little diary entries about him.. and they're in there too. Drawings, the original card I was going to send him but didn't, an unsent letter, and a ring we used to joke around as some "engagement" ring. All are in there.

My little shoulder angel is telling me I should get rid of the contence of it. But.. I don't want to and I can't really explain why. Maybe it's me holding on.. But I don't really think it is because I never go through it or look at it unless I'm adding something to it.. and even then I won't look I'll just open it, drop whatever in there, close it and the box is hidden again in a place where I cannot see.

I don't understand myself with this box full of memories. I've managed to do everything else (delete him and all chat history, etc.) and it will be exactly 7 weeks tomorrow since we broke up.. But it's these physical items.. They're lingering..

Hi, LittleForgetMeNot, sounds like you are really conflicted.

When I was reading your post I got the feeling it was about you rather than the relationship, the box rather than what was in it and what it meant. I don't think you are holding on to the relationship as much as the possibility and "rainy day" aspect of thinking about it. If you empty or destroy the box and its contents, you won't have "anything".

I would do one of two things were I you. I'd either decide that yes, you are using the whole of the relationship, as represented by the box, as a reminder that you have had love and someone did care for you and you for him. If that is the case then I'd keep the box somewhere until I got in my next relationship (or other engaging activity; I got over a breakup after a long time by my job changing and the engagement with my new coworkers, etc.). I wouldn't fret over it though, i'd just accept it as if it were a chunk of my past I wanted to keep, like a picture I painted from second grade :-)

Or, you can decide to take a chance, get rid of the box and its contents and explore your own thoughts and feelings and ideas of what you'd like your life to be like. You can accept you are alone (and could be lonely) and use the time and space to explore yourself and what you want.

Neither one is better or worse, right or wrong, it just makes thinking about the box and its contents easier and gets them out of your way?

I think I might keep it, until I'm ready to let it go. Thank you

I have had problems with this and my (many) relationships, or (many) failed relationships, have you. There have been some that were easier than others, and some that were a lot more difficult. My first real relationship took me a long time to get over and to throw away everything I had of it. Just taking her name out of my phone was hard but at the same time it was hard to look at her name in my phone, so finally I deleted that. Then there were some others.

The most recent wasn't very difficult at all. I threw away and deleted from my computer all of the pictures we had together, deleted her and anyone that knew her out of my phone book, and threw away all of the gifts she'd given me. Then I had to ignore her for months until she finally stopped contacting me. It's weird because today she contacted me again. It happens to be my Birthday and she actually came to my house and left a card on my door, saying she loved me and to have a good Birthday and to "text" her sometime. I shredded the card.

So to me it's easier to get rid of everything. It's closure. Also, for me it's kind of like saying "time to move on" so that I will be fresh and ready for the next relationship, or the next relationship that will again probably fail. I understand what you're going through though and you just have to do what you think is best. The more relationships you go through the easier it'll get. Good luck.

i still have a few momentos from all my relationships... they were happy times and I never felt the need to get rid of the happier moments.. as time has past I don't look that the things or even remember really where they are... but if I come across them then the make me smile

I do a bit of both... The guy I dated the longest (and am still conflicted about) I had a similar box of items... uh... mostly shredded in a fit of rage... and then when I was sure I had all the reminders of the pain I burned it (safely in a bonfire) in a fit of rage. On the other side... I still have the beautiful wool sweater he gave me when we went sailing together and a really hot picture of him that looked like a calvin cline add!

All in all the relationship was unhealthy for me and needed to end. BUT the wonderful memories don't have to.

BTW... the picture and sweater were in a box in my garrage for 2 years before I could enjoy them without crying. begrudgingly I have to admit that the afternoon we spent sailing was one of the best of my life.

relationships are not black or white so break-ups aren't either. Take your time and grieve as you need to.

My opinion... It sounds like you have good and bad memories all mixed up in that box, all mixed up in you. Until I could sort the good from the bad I wouldn't do anything that can't be undone.

I have that with a few things. The letter I read, I had written at 4am in a daze and it was full of random sentences that didn't relate to one another. That was the reason I didn't send it but at the time it calmed my anxiety and helped me fall asleep. I feel a little conflicted when I see it or read it, but my silliness makes me laugh a little regardless.

Thanks. I can say that there are good memories, bad memories, good feelings and bad feelings all mixed up that I'm still trying to sort through. Today I vented a little to my friend about the "abuse" in our relationship and the manipulation. But other days I'll have a sudden wave of irrational emotions and miss his company. Inside I regret that I never told him about the things I did and the stuff I thought; how much emotion and meaning I put behind a lot of things for us, but never showed it. But on the other hand I'm glad I didn't or else I would feel even worse.. I would get that "He knew but he still did it " feeling instead of the "he only did it because he didn't know" feeling (which I prefer).

The shredded up card.. now that had lots of meaning to it. He sent it to me, thinking to himself that it symbolized his "heart" that he was giving to me. I didn't learn that until after we broke up. The first time I shredded that card I seen it as a symbol of my trust in him, which would never be the same if I tried to put the pieces back. I tried to put the pieces back after the first time, but the tears and the cheap tape only reminded me of how broken my faith was in him... so I started hiding it. The second time I ripped it which was only last month at the beginning of October, the symbolism changed to our relationship as a whole: completely irreparable, and it's been serving as my snap back to reality when I look at it or the box.

As for him.. my feelings are just as conflicted as ever. He seemed nice; he was nice.. He listened to me and was my best friend for the longest time.. but.. He also encouraged my unhealthy habits, he didn't attempt to understand me (though I had poured out my feelings and thoughts just about everyday). I always felt like he was only with me because I was the first girl ever to give him the time of day, and because I was always "there". I always forgave, always pitied, always took him back. I was his back-up plan, I felt, and though he tried to convince me again and again I wasn't, his actions proved that I was.. Plus.. his behavior toward me when I tried to stay his friend was completely unacceptable.. I got harassed and made fun of.. But at the same time he would say he missed me and "why would he risk his relationship with Rachel to talk to me behind her back if all he wanted was to mess with my head".

I'd love to see him in a completely pure light and enjoy the blissful memories we did have in the beginning, but my view right now is tainted by confusion. If his feelings and actions were clear (which I know they will never be) I would probably have an easier time letting go. There was someone I liked so extremely much (more than him ever) before him and because that guy was always clear on his feelings and NOT liking me, I managed to accept that fairly easily and was always able to feel grateful for mild friendship we had and see him in a good light with fond memories.

The confusion lasts a long long time in my opinion... it has taken me until now to see my first true love without feeling angst - and that ended a good 9 years ago!

It does get easier Littleforgetmenot, it has not been a very long time since the break up.
I understand I really do.. and I know that time does heal all - so give yourself time and allow yourself to experience the emotions and feelings, just try not to be overwhelmed by them

I just wish people could be clear. Rene (the first guy who I had really strong feelings for) was always consistent. He didn't like me in that way, he told me so the 6+ times I confessed. Each rejection I took with grace and all I wanted from him was that he just talk to me in his free time. Because I couldn't be his girlfriend, I told myself I would be the best damn friend he ever had and I worked hard to be. If he needed something, oh no problem! You bored? Here I'll think of something fun for us to do. If he was mad at me I wouldn't give up until he forgave me, and did so without loosing any of my dignity. All his friends kept telling him he should go out with me because of how much I valued him and the little he could offer, but he was still consistent and true to his feelings and said no.

With Jesse it was lies upon lies. He left me for any new girl that came around, but then came crawling back when that didn't work. It was say something but do something else later. I'm sure just about everything he told me was a lie, and I'm not ever going to understand why. If anything, I was the most forgiving and understanding person he ever met and if he had just told the truth I would have probably taken it with grace and asked for a mere friendship (like I did with Rene). He said he didn't tell me about Rachel because he was afraid to hurt me. Going along with it hurts me more, keeping me on a short leash when I wanted to leave hurts me more, coming back and saying you miss me and still think of me as your close friend but treating me like used trash, hurts me more than saying you just don't want to anymore.

Today I had my friend tell me the way I dealt with things were all wrong. I went off on him and told him it was only he who thought my way was wrong.. but now I feel horrible because I know I hurt his feelings..

Your relationships with Rene and Jesse sound like you were willing to take whatever these men were willing to give you. A trend, so to speak. Neither relationship was fulfilling or healthy for you.

Please don't take my post as an attack in any way, I really don't want these words to come off wrong. I can simply relate to stuffing memories away in boxes. I have many boxes Personally, I can't rid of my wedding ring or past engagement rings. It doesn't feel right to me. I still have my wedding album ~ how could I throw that away? It was 15 years of my life. A crappy 15 years (in many ways), but there were also some real special times. Sweet times. That's how I look at it anyway.

Hugs to you!

I suppose that's true. With Rene I know for a fact I was willing to take anything, but he never abused me in anyway, or set out to intentionally hurt me; he kept his distance and never spoke about his girlfriends to me or anything. It was me who always pushed for conversation and attention.

With Jesse however, I knew that I was getting into something unhealthy. I could feel it. But I thought I had the control in the relationship.. and to everyone it really seemed like I did. When I look back on it though I see that he was the one who had all the control. I don't know if he knew he did or if he was just acting on impulse.. but he had way too much of it..

I wanna break the cycle of taking whatever guys give me. A few months ago I liked another guy who was 2 years older than I was.. I liked and admired greatly him and I followed him around school like a lost puppy; fully knowing that he thought me as nothing more than just a friend because I was too young for him in his eyes.. But inside (and probably also influenced by my friends and classmates) I thought if I was consistent enough something would click and he would one day just turn around and actually "see" me. It was Rene all over again.. But I don't know what it is that causes the cycle to even begin in the first place.

Typically, low self-esteem is the cause of settling whatever a person is willing to give you. Very low when you are willing to take abuse ~ emotional, sexual, or physical ~ rather than be alone.

In my experience, very low self-esteem comes from being ignored. Especially in early childhood. My pleas for help were ignored, unseen, and I was put down for being stupid. I "deserved" what I got.

Abuse can go on for many years or it can be "every once in awhile". The occasional victims end up scratching their heads in wonder of why and blame themselves. The frequent victims quickly blame themselves for all of their suffering. It's the only way to make logical sense of the hell in the mind of one who has been abused. ~ that's the typical cycle anyway.

It is a rough road to find yourself on. But try to focus on avoiding those pitfalls in the future, and work on building healthy relationships.

What you said kind of hits the nail right on the head. From the time I was born till about 8 years old I lived with my mom. She neglected me and ignored me. Let kids beat me up and throw knives at me when I was only an arm's reach from her. I had strange spells (maybe anxiety attacks) in the middle of the night; where strange voices in my head would tell me to run and go faster.. I'd close my eyes and just get random fast moving images blur past.. I would hyperventilate and cry.. it scared me and I felt slow and cold on the outside but inside I felt like my insides were about to jump from my skin and if I didn't match that speed I'd die.. (I still get that sometimes). She would ignore me even if I banged on her door, or send out her boyfriend to tell me to shut up. I was sexually abused once by the child that used to beat me and when I told her right after it happened she just pushed me back into the room thinking that I was just lying..

Those things happened until I was given the opportunity to move in with my Dad.. however the effects of those years seemed to have lingered. I don't know about self-esteem.. for I don't necessarily usually feel bad about myself.. But forgiving and forgetting seem to be a big thing I'm stuck on, regardless of what anyone has done.

Gentle hugs to you ~ You are in my thoughts.