So I've had depression on and off throughout my life. I know I had it as a child, and that went untreated. I don't remember exactly at what age I had it. Then it came back again in full force from about 25-27. I wanted to die and fantasized about killing myself. I was in a horrible relationship, hated my job, hated where I lived. I was in therapy and on Wellbutrin for a year out of that time frame. Eventually I ended the relationship, got a new job, and moved. But then my ex and I discussed getting back together for about 9 months after the breakup, and it prolonged my depression. Finally I came to my senses and stopped communicating with him at all. For two years after that, I was pretty ok, not depressed by any means but maybe not fully satisfied with life.

This past summer I started getting depressed again. It began with the death of my grandma, some stress within my current relationship, and then losing my job. During this time I went to about 3 therapy sessions and started taking Wellbutrin again. After I lost my job I stopped going to therapy because I couldn't afford it. I got a new job which I've had for 2 months now, and for the most part enjoy (though it's not the job I want for the rest of my life. Also, my relationship is pretty good now but my boyfriend lives 200+ miles away from me and we don't have any plans to live in the same state. Quite often I find myself very lonely because of this despite the fact that I have friends I can hang out with whenever I want.

Also, a month ago my other grandma was diagnosed with cancer. She had surgery, and has to start chemotherapy in a week.

So, I felt depressed & had suicidal thoughts from about July- late September of this year. I started feeling better when I got my new job in late Sept. and felt good until about the end of Oct. Then after my grandma told me she had to get chemo I started getting depressed again.

I am an only child. About 4 or 5 years ago my parents were in a horrible car accident. Because of this they are dealing with some health issues that will probably worsen over time. They live 300+ miles from me and are planning on moving in the next few years to another state that will increase the distance between us. I worry what will happen with their health when they get older. I worry that I will have to move them to where I live so I can take care of them, or will have to move them into a nursing home near where I live, or I will have to move to where they are. This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

My boyfriend lives 200+ miles away from me and is 8 years younger than me, though you'd never know it if you met him (he's extremely mature). He's really great and I love him. The fact that I usually only get to see him 2 weekends a month makes me feel very lonely. I don't want to have this sort of relationship forever though, and since we have no plans to move closer to each other, I don't know if it's right for me. Moving to where he lives isn't really something I want to do.

AND- on top of this I am not sure where I'm going in my career. I am thinking about going back to college, but don't know what sort of degree I should get or which college to go to. The schools I'm interested are super expensive.

I just feel like I'm perpetually unhappy with everything in life. I feel hopeless like I'll never be happy and will never feel satisfied with my life. I don't know what to do. It's just not fair that I'm depressed like this, I feel like I should be happy with my life (I have a home, a job, and family, friends, and a boyfriend who loves me) but I'm not. I don't think all of the choices I've made in life were the best and I wonder if I'll ever get to where I think I need to be in order to be happy. Also, some of the suicidal thoughts have crept back again in recent weeks.

I started going back to the therapist, but only 2 times a month since it's what I can afford. I'm probably going to start going t o a depression support group in my area a few times a month as well.

This is really freaking long, but any thoughts, suggestions, or words of encouragement?