I wonder if I'll ever be happy...

So I've had depression on and off throughout my life. I know I had it as a child, and that went untreated. I don't remember exactly at what age I had it. Then it came back again in full force from about 25-27. I wanted to die and fantasized about killing myself. I was in a horrible relationship, hated my job, hated where I lived. I was in therapy and on Wellbutrin for a year out of that time frame. Eventually I ended the relationship, got a new job, and moved. But then my ex and I discussed getting back together for about 9 months after the breakup, and it prolonged my depression. Finally I came to my senses and stopped communicating with him at all. For two years after that, I was pretty ok, not depressed by any means but maybe not fully satisfied with life.

This past summer I started getting depressed again. It began with the death of my grandma, some stress within my current relationship, and then losing my job. During this time I went to about 3 therapy sessions and started taking Wellbutrin again. After I lost my job I stopped going to therapy because I couldn't afford it. I got a new job which I've had for 2 months now, and for the most part enjoy (though it's not the job I want for the rest of my life. Also, my relationship is pretty good now but my boyfriend lives 200+ miles away from me and we don't have any plans to live in the same state. Quite often I find myself very lonely because of this despite the fact that I have friends I can hang out with whenever I want.

Also, a month ago my other grandma was diagnosed with cancer. She had surgery, and has to start chemotherapy in a week.

So, I felt depressed & had suicidal thoughts from about July- late September of this year. I started feeling better when I got my new job in late Sept. and felt good until about the end of Oct. Then after my grandma told me she had to get chemo I started getting depressed again.

I am an only child. About 4 or 5 years ago my parents were in a horrible car accident. Because of this they are dealing with some health issues that will probably worsen over time. They live 300+ miles from me and are planning on moving in the next few years to another state that will increase the distance between us. I worry what will happen with their health when they get older. I worry that I will have to move them to where I live so I can take care of them, or will have to move them into a nursing home near where I live, or I will have to move to where they are. This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

My boyfriend lives 200+ miles away from me and is 8 years younger than me, though you'd never know it if you met him (he's extremely mature). He's really great and I love him. The fact that I usually only get to see him 2 weekends a month makes me feel very lonely. I don't want to have this sort of relationship forever though, and since we have no plans to move closer to each other, I don't know if it's right for me. Moving to where he lives isn't really something I want to do.

AND- on top of this I am not sure where I'm going in my career. I am thinking about going back to college, but don't know what sort of degree I should get or which college to go to. The schools I'm interested are super expensive.

I just feel like I'm perpetually unhappy with everything in life. I feel hopeless like I'll never be happy and will never feel satisfied with my life. I don't know what to do. It's just not fair that I'm depressed like this, I feel like I should be happy with my life (I have a home, a job, and family, friends, and a boyfriend who loves me) but I'm not. I don't think all of the choices I've made in life were the best and I wonder if I'll ever get to where I think I need to be in order to be happy. Also, some of the suicidal thoughts have crept back again in recent weeks.

I started going back to the therapist, but only 2 times a month since it's what I can afford. I'm probably going to start going t o a depression support group in my area a few times a month as well.

This is really freaking long, but any thoughts, suggestions, or words of encouragement?

Hello, Weird&Stylish!

Looking at all the stressors in your recent past and present, I'm not surprised you are struggling with another depressive episode.
Super idea! That and whatever therapy you can afford will likely serve you well.

I'm overwhelmed just thinking of all the challenges you face. It may be best to lay aside the idea of "happiness" and just let "happiness happen" while you devote your attention to the more pressing issues.

From your perspective, which are the most pressing issues?

The most pressing one is basically feeling like I'll be in it alone for the rest of my life. That I won't have the support that I need, I'll only have the support that I can get.