This comment doesn't seem very productive. Has she ever told you why you are a "lousy" husband? Is it because of you being "unemotional", as she said? Do you agree that you are unemotional or that it is a problem? What you have written says to me that you have many good qualities, are dedicated to your wife and your children, and would probably be willing to work on a shortcoming that was causing pain in the marriage. But I don't see anywhere in what you wrote that there really is a specific "shortcoming." It sounds like your wife has already decided she doesn't want to be with you anymore and is now living her life as if she wasn't married anymore. That is just my impression. Frankly, you sound like a really nice guy! You like to cuddle! (That doesn't sound "unemotional" to me.)

Some of what you wrote about your wife and how she is with your kids reminded me of my mother. She had 4 kids and was very high strung, and I think we drove her nuts. She would have bouts where she completely lost it and screamed at us and more. Staying at home full time with the kids pulled her in too many directions and was very stressful for her. It's like her personality was just not a good fit for stay-at-home Mom. Can I ask, how are your children doing? They may sense some tension in the home and that not all is right between Mom and Dad.

Other things you wrote reminded me of my own marriage, which is now over. (In some cases I identified with what you wrote about yourself, and in other cases, with your wife.) I was very unhappy in the marriage for a number of years, but stuck it out. I did all that I could to improve things on my own and also invited my my H to go to marriage counseling about a decade before we split. He refused. We had two kids. My husband was very withholding emotionally, never wanted to touch or kiss, hold hands, have sex, talk to me, act interested in all in my life, etc. Often he just ignored me, just kind of looked right through me or wouldn't answer a question if I asked. It was hard going and it wasn't what I signed up for when I married. He had affairs and I looked the other way. At some point, probably in a move to introduce something positive back into my life, I did start to develop outside interests and made a new circle of friends, mostly women, both single and married. The married women's husbands also participated with us, and mostly we just went to concerts. Our shared interest was music. It was very benign, no sex or hanky panky or drugs/alcohol, just being with friends who would smile and laugh and ask about my life. I think having these new friends and interest allowed me to stay in the unhappy marriage even longer because they provided something positive. Being with them would give me a boost that would help me get through the unhappiness at home. My H did say at one point that he would like an open marriage. BILBO, what that means is that he was having affairs and he wanted to stop feeling guilty so he wanted me to have them too. I was not interested. I wanted a monogamous marriage. If your wife is saying she wants an open marriage, she is probably already sleeping with other men.

A question for you: do you want to stay married to your wife? If so, what are your reasons? If a big one is because of your kids, I would like to say that divorce doesn't have to be as messy and hard on children as we hear. The parents can take care in the divorce (and after) to put the needs of their kids first, and kids can thrive in two home set-up. Many divorces today grant joint custody to the parents, so the kids can spend significant time with each parent. In my own situation, my kids spend 60% time with me and 40% with their father. It works great. Now that we are not married, he and I get along quite well--certainly well enough to co-parent our kids, which is really the only reason we need to interact. I'm not trying to push divorce but just wanted to let you know that if you are staying together only for the sake of your kids, they can do very well with divorce if care if taken. I believe that both my ex-husband and I have better relationships with our children now that we are divorced. We had so many marriage problems that it was hard to have the emotional energy for strong relationships with our kids. It is so much better now! Gilead wrote he doesn't get to see his kids often because they moved. If you have joint custody, you can have written into your settlement that one person cannot just pick up and move like that, without renegotiating the custody agreement. If one person wants to move away, he/she risks losing joint custody. The law can protect you. We have such a clause written into our divorce agreement. It helps each parent feel secure.

If you really want to stay together with your wife, have you considered marriage counseling? Your marriage situation sounds like a professional would be of value. Oddly, my husband went to couples counseling with me after we decided to split up. (Finally!) The counseling is much the same whether the couple decides to stay together or not. We worked on communication skills, listening to each other, learning to spot the other's triggers, not get trapped in escalating cycles of misunderstanding, etc. This counseling has helped us get along well in post-divorce life, but I wish we had learned all of this before our marriage was past the point of no return. THe most important thing about the counseling was that it helped us make our top priority the kids, so we didn't act hostile and antagonistic towards each other during and after the divorce. That only hurts the kids (as well as yourselves). If the parents put the kids first, they will not do stuff like move out of town, because they know how important and healthy it is for kids to have two parents in their lives. Gilead, what your wife did was awful. I hope you can find a way to stay involved with your children. They need their Dad to be in their lives.

BILBO, I think the person who suggested counseling just for you has a good idea. Before my ex-husband joined me in counseling, I went by myself for a number of months and it really helped me to have this support in my life. You can go to a marriage/family counselor on your own, without a partner. Many people don't know that. But they are the best to go to for relationship troubles, as they have worked with so many couples. Having someone outside of your situation, someone who can listen with an objective and caring ear, can be really helpful in helping you decide what to do in your marriage. Best of luck to you.