wife says that I am the problem

My current wife is extremely unhappy with me and her life in general, says that I am unemotional. The problem is with me.

A little background... I was in a 17 year marriage which I ended because my ex wife became disinterested in our life. I wanted a more full relationship. We were both relatively young without kids, so I made the decision to walk and never regretted it.
I find a repeating pattern in my current relationship. My current wife has lost all interest in making any effort in our relationship. A little background here - We have been together for 11 years, have 3 young children ages 10, 7, and 4. She is extremely passionate and fun, the life of the party. She is outwardly sexy and she knows it. People love to be around her. She has never liked much physical touching, doesn't like her space invaded. She has slowly taken over most chores because she wants it done her way, but gets irritated that she has so much to do. She can be the absolutely most loving and caring person one hour and turn into someone whom people flee from the next. Outward perception is most important to her. She started back to work a couple of years ago part time, mostly to get her life back. She has a very hard time with the kids. She loved the infant stage but finds that it gets harder every year. I used to get calls at work from her once or twice a week with her telling or screaming to me to come home because she can’t take it anymore with the kids. I came home maybe once a month.
I am relatively quiet. I absolutely love her. I've always felt that the bad times were worth the best of times with her. I love to cuddle, I am responsible, and I am a problem solver. I am naive. I am not a social butterfly but have no problem talking at parties. I don’t need much, but love. I have always enjoyed spending most of my time with her. I take the kids out somewhere a couple of times a month for several hours. I love my children. She still says that I am the most amazing father, but a lousy husband. Her mom friends at school tell her that she is spoiled and she says that she knows it. I have relinquished many of the chores that I used to do like grocery shopping and balancing the check book and laundry because she wants it done her way. I still do the cooking 6 of 7 nights and all weekend. I have taken over most of the homework. I get the kids showered and get them into bed. We both gave up much of our lives for these kids. They challenge me too, but I don't explode like she does. I get down and spend what time I have with them. We don't have any family to watch the kids, and there isn't enough money for babysitters even once in a while so we put them to bed by 8pm. We have had some great communication after the kids are down. We play games or talk about the people in our lives. She cannot communicate while they are awake. For the past couple of years she has gotten more away from the family by getting on the computer when we are all home. Or she goes outside every 30 minutes for 10 minutes to get away from the action. She also gets on her blackberry for 20 minutes a few times a night. She stopped eating with the family most nights, says she’s not hungry until 10 pm. She started going out with her girlfriends once in awhile which I have had no problem with. Then she started to put together groups of girl who were both single and married, now she goes out with girls only to bars and dancing, and only then did I tell her to stop. Now she wants to walk away from her life but the guilt won't let her. She wants out but doesn't want to destroy the kids. She has met someone at a friends party and has been talking to him several times a week, telling me that she wants an open marriage. I said that I can’t do that!
I made a mistake a few years ago. She called me hysterically at work and said that she was going to do something that would have been terrible. After getting these kinds of calls for awhile I called my insurance before I was going home to solve the problem and asked if a therapist was covered by our plan. I naively told them what she said and they got involved and made her go down for an evaluation or the police would escort her. She has never forgiven me for that and tells me that she never will. Her sister and parents side with me most of the time and feel sorry for me.
I have usually always looked at this as her problem but I feel the need to look inside me this time. What do I do that causes these women to go looking elsewhere for satisfaction?

It's not you. It's the person you became attracted to and fell in love with. Your situation was my situation until my wife walked out one day, she typed me a letter took the kids and left. Great father, lousy husband were words she used.

I've since learned that I can't have a successful relationship with anyone - but I'm drawn to and attracted by woman who have even less of a chance of having a successful relationship. Much of the story in your post parallels what happened to me over the past ten years. Little by little I took over everything - housework, groceries, kids, worked 12 hours a day. Toward the end I became a single father - I would come home from work and she would leave. She began to hate me more and more each day - would not talk to me, refused to be in the same room as me. I would ask her to please tell me what's wrong - never an answer just would leave.

She didn't have anyone else while we were together but she found someone else within a few weeks of leaving.

And now she's gone and I don't miss her at all - I do however miss my children terribly and only get to see them every few weeks - they moved a few hundred miles away. At least yours says she doesn't want to destroy the kids - mine decided that children are resilient and they'd get over it, but they really never will.

It's really not you. She's never going to be happy but she'll most likely make you miserable. And that's not your fault.

I'm really sorry for writing some of these things but your post is just one terrible trigger for me, the similiarities between our situations is uncanny. I hope somehow, someway yours can have a better ending than mine.

Please, you and the kids just be ok and happy with each other.

Thanks for the reply Gilead,

Even though it is hard to hear, I'm glad to hear that I am not alone.
It seems that my wife just wants to go out and have fun more and more. I came home friday to her telling me about going out bowling for 5 games during the day. At least she was by herself and she was out during the day and there was no alcohol. Sunday she was gone from 9 to 6 shopping. When she got home she sat on the couch and stayed on the computer until the kids were in bed. Then she called a friend to plan a bowling night without me. Tonight is another night out drinking with married girlfriends. I'm curious to see what time she comes home. I think that all of these friends will not stay past 10. I just hope that she doesn't stop at the local pub to stay later.
She has been losing weight these past few months and has been getting terrific compliments from everyone, none more than me. All of mine are discounted, in fact when she catches me looking at her smiling she either tells me to stop or moves away. She still smiles sometimes. I've had had a peck of a kiss for months and nothing more. She has told me that she would not be here if not for the kids, and my only hope is that she procrastinates making decisions.
She is a master at not letting anyone know what is going on inside of her. She would flip out if I talked to anyone she knows about it. I've tried that once before in the past with disastrous results. (no trust)

Tell me about your relationship if you can. Tell me how old your kids were when she left you? Did you stop loving her? How far did she push away before she left? Describe your ex in more detail if you can?

I'll try to add a little color. From the moment I met her all she talked about was marriage and children (she was 36 at the time and her biological clock was ticking), to be honest I was not all that enamored with getting married again. I was divorced from someone else before we met.

But out relationship was so good that I couldn't see any reason not to give her what she wanted - yes, I loved her. She would constantly tell me that I was her hero and we were two peas in a pod.

I think the trouble actually started when our first child was born - the reality of parenthood and staying home with a baby was difficult for her as it is with any first time parent. She absolutely had to have a second so we did - girl and now a boy. After our son was born she clearly had post-partum depression and things headed downhill. She wanted to sell the house and move away - closer to her parents. Unfortunately, this was when the housing market started to bottom and despite some offers the house did not sell. At this point I think she just wanted to walk out but instead she began talking about how much she didn't love me and I wasn't the love of her life. We agreed that more time together as a family might help - all I do is work and come home so it's not like I wasn't there everyday after work and on weekends. But, I was able to get my employer to put me on part-time for four months - so I was home Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday every week. I had to take a loan to pull it off but it was a very good time and we grew closer - I thought.

After I went back to work full-time it didn't take long for everything to begin again.

In January of 2009 she took a job writing for a local newspaper (she is very well educated with a masters in journalism). I think she began to see this as her way out, even though she didn't make much money she squirrelled away every penny of it. By May of 2009 she stopped talking to me and I began the single parent piece, she was always out working on an article - nights, weekends every available moment she could, she did. By July I was a wreck everytime I walked into the house after work - never knew what I'd find. She might stay around for awhile or she might leave immediately - if she stayed around it was at the furthest point away from me that she could find.

By August things just got worse and worse - and either I was in complete denial or just stupid. The one thing I never envisioned was her leaving - it was against every principal she believed in - "family is everything" is her family's motto. When she typed a letter to me telling me she and the kids were leaving I was in shock - no discussion, nothing. She had visited her parents a couple of times for a week at a time during August which was not out of the ordinary - during this time she had found a job and a place to live to seal it.

One of the worst things I've ever had to do is to let the kids go. What she did was illegal (can't up and leave and take them out of state) and I could have stopped her from taking them - she would have left anyway.

I have no family and no support system in place, so the kids would be in daycare all day while I work. She was going where a support system was in place - her parents, the kids aunts and uncles, cousins. Them leaving was the worst possible outcome for me - but at least the kids would be safe and well cared for.

"She is a master at not letting anyone know what is going on inside of her." I wonder if the two of them are twins separated at birth.

My children were 3 and 6 when she left and are now 4 and 7. I miss them everyday. Life went from being good for the first time to being an everyday nightmare.

When I knew things were really bad, I'd pray that everything would be ok. No matter how I felt I didn't want to lose the kids. I'm pretty sure I stopped loving her when she started treating me as if I didn't exist but it didn't matter I just wanted it to work.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I definitely don't love her, in fact I probably hate her but I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it.

You asked about how far she pushed away - all the way. As far as describing her in more detail - I think you have a pretty good picture.

As soon as she left she immediately lost weight and joined multiple online dating services - since we still shared the same checking account I saw the entries.

The line she used was "I want to take a different path" - it's pretty amazing to me because it sure looks like the same old path to me. And I get to pay for it all.

Oh, by the way mine is an extreme drama queen. It's all about her, all of the time.

I hope things get better for you.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like from your story you and your wife are passionate people, but in very different ways. I've only been married for 1 1/2 yrs and we don't have kids so I don't have much experience in this department. But my advice would be to see if you could go to therapy, go by yourself at first. It might help you to communicate your frustrations and feelings and you may have a better understand of yourself.

So is a therapist covered by your insurance? From what you write it sounds like she has an anxiety disorder and probably more. Is she willing to do counseling? You say she blames you for everything so does she not know that she has a problem?

She went to counseling a couple of years ago but stopped. No insurance does not cover it. Money and she felt better were the reasons she stopped. She has told me recently that she will not go back. She doesn't want me to go, but I might just have to, if she continues to go out in the singles scene. I don't understand how someone can do that when their partner has has plainly expressed their displeasure and anxiety about it.
My wife is the passionate person she tells me. According to her, it is I that have no passion. We do not get to go out together without the kids hardly ever, and she blames me for that. She seems very miserable at home, (frequently going outside to smoke, immersing herself in tasks, or losing herself on the computer,) but tells me that she is just frustrated.
Here is a day for example: I get up early and leave before anyone wakes up. She gets the 3 kids ready for school feeds them, and drops them off to school. She comes back home gets herself ready and goes to work 3 days a week. She gets home before me, usually gets the close out for the next day. She leaves to go on a walk. I pick up the kids from school get them snacks, start homework, make lattes for her and I, make her coffee for the next morning, empty out lunchboxes, get their pajamas out, and she gets home about now and starts freaking out about something. Either laundry needs to get started or homework is a problem for one of the boys, or she needs to grade some tests. She will immediately start stopping around like shes mad, like I just get home and sit down, while I am still up getting things done. She then proceeds to "go do her thing" while I make dinner for the boys. After serving them, I clean up. About this time she usually calls one into shower. She calls me when the smallest boy gets out to help him dry off and get dressed. I try to read to the smallest before bed. We take turns getting them to brust their teeth and I usually put them to bed. If she is on the phone I will start dinner, sometimes she will. She usually cleans that up. Then I hop in the shower and come out to her on the phone again. I try to get her involved but when I do, she usually just wants to watch TV to fall asleep, sometimes we can talk a little here. We used to talk all the time at this point.

This comment doesn't seem very productive. Has she ever told you why you are a "lousy" husband? Is it because of you being "unemotional", as she said? Do you agree that you are unemotional or that it is a problem? What you have written says to me that you have many good qualities, are dedicated to your wife and your children, and would probably be willing to work on a shortcoming that was causing pain in the marriage. But I don't see anywhere in what you wrote that there really is a specific "shortcoming." It sounds like your wife has already decided she doesn't want to be with you anymore and is now living her life as if she wasn't married anymore. That is just my impression. Frankly, you sound like a really nice guy! You like to cuddle! (That doesn't sound "unemotional" to me.)

Some of what you wrote about your wife and how she is with your kids reminded me of my mother. She had 4 kids and was very high strung, and I think we drove her nuts. She would have bouts where she completely lost it and screamed at us and more. Staying at home full time with the kids pulled her in too many directions and was very stressful for her. It's like her personality was just not a good fit for stay-at-home Mom. Can I ask, how are your children doing? They may sense some tension in the home and that not all is right between Mom and Dad.

Other things you wrote reminded me of my own marriage, which is now over. (In some cases I identified with what you wrote about yourself, and in other cases, with your wife.) I was very unhappy in the marriage for a number of years, but stuck it out. I did all that I could to improve things on my own and also invited my my H to go to marriage counseling about a decade before we split. He refused. We had two kids. My husband was very withholding emotionally, never wanted to touch or kiss, hold hands, have sex, talk to me, act interested in all in my life, etc. Often he just ignored me, just kind of looked right through me or wouldn't answer a question if I asked. It was hard going and it wasn't what I signed up for when I married. He had affairs and I looked the other way. At some point, probably in a move to introduce something positive back into my life, I did start to develop outside interests and made a new circle of friends, mostly women, both single and married. The married women's husbands also participated with us, and mostly we just went to concerts. Our shared interest was music. It was very benign, no sex or hanky panky or drugs/alcohol, just being with friends who would smile and laugh and ask about my life. I think having these new friends and interest allowed me to stay in the unhappy marriage even longer because they provided something positive. Being with them would give me a boost that would help me get through the unhappiness at home. My H did say at one point that he would like an open marriage. BILBO, what that means is that he was having affairs and he wanted to stop feeling guilty so he wanted me to have them too. I was not interested. I wanted a monogamous marriage. If your wife is saying she wants an open marriage, she is probably already sleeping with other men.

A question for you: do you want to stay married to your wife? If so, what are your reasons? If a big one is because of your kids, I would like to say that divorce doesn't have to be as messy and hard on children as we hear. The parents can take care in the divorce (and after) to put the needs of their kids first, and kids can thrive in two home set-up. Many divorces today grant joint custody to the parents, so the kids can spend significant time with each parent. In my own situation, my kids spend 60% time with me and 40% with their father. It works great. Now that we are not married, he and I get along quite well--certainly well enough to co-parent our kids, which is really the only reason we need to interact. I'm not trying to push divorce but just wanted to let you know that if you are staying together only for the sake of your kids, they can do very well with divorce if care if taken. I believe that both my ex-husband and I have better relationships with our children now that we are divorced. We had so many marriage problems that it was hard to have the emotional energy for strong relationships with our kids. It is so much better now! Gilead wrote he doesn't get to see his kids often because they moved. If you have joint custody, you can have written into your settlement that one person cannot just pick up and move like that, without renegotiating the custody agreement. If one person wants to move away, he/she risks losing joint custody. The law can protect you. We have such a clause written into our divorce agreement. It helps each parent feel secure.

If you really want to stay together with your wife, have you considered marriage counseling? Your marriage situation sounds like a professional would be of value. Oddly, my husband went to couples counseling with me after we decided to split up. (Finally!) The counseling is much the same whether the couple decides to stay together or not. We worked on communication skills, listening to each other, learning to spot the other's triggers, not get trapped in escalating cycles of misunderstanding, etc. This counseling has helped us get along well in post-divorce life, but I wish we had learned all of this before our marriage was past the point of no return. THe most important thing about the counseling was that it helped us make our top priority the kids, so we didn't act hostile and antagonistic towards each other during and after the divorce. That only hurts the kids (as well as yourselves). If the parents put the kids first, they will not do stuff like move out of town, because they know how important and healthy it is for kids to have two parents in their lives. Gilead, what your wife did was awful. I hope you can find a way to stay involved with your children. They need their Dad to be in their lives.

BILBO, I think the person who suggested counseling just for you has a good idea. Before my ex-husband joined me in counseling, I went by myself for a number of months and it really helped me to have this support in my life. You can go to a marriage/family counselor on your own, without a partner. Many people don't know that. But they are the best to go to for relationship troubles, as they have worked with so many couples. Having someone outside of your situation, someone who can listen with an objective and caring ear, can be really helpful in helping you decide what to do in your marriage. Best of luck to you.

Sad to say but you two sound an awful lot like me...I feel sorry for you both to be the thing women say they want and for the type that you fell for.Reminds me of my uncle and all he went thru.Ugh...

Sunrise, it sounds like your outcome was as good as it gets. I'm happy that your children still have two parents that they can see regularly.

"If the parents put the kids first, they will not do stuff like move out of town, because they know how important and healthy it is for kids to have two parents in their lives. Gilead, what your wife did was awful. I hope you can find a way to stay involved with your children. They need their Dad to be in their lives."

This is the situation that BILBO has to avoid - by shooting for the same outcome as you were able manage.

Intellectually my wife understood the ramifications of what she was doing, emotionally it is only her needs that mattered. I'm convinced that a large part of her withdrawal from our relationship was to overcome that. I was an active participant in our marriage and trying to keep it together, she needed me not to participate anymore in order for her leave - so she did everything she could to break any tie she had with me while we were together. It took her months to do it but by the time she left she couldn't have cared less about anything but leaving. As I had said earlier she would not even be in the same room with me nevermind treat me like a human being. I would actually come home and give her a big hug and a kiss before she'd disappear - always in front of the kids to show them that everything was ok.

On a brighter note I have the kids this weekend - as long as the weather holds up, might snow later today with some freezing rain for the trip back on Sunday. The kids know how I feel about them and that they are the center of my world - I stay as involved as I can.

Wolfsong - your uncle is ok now I hope? Thank you for the reachout, I appreciate it but don't have the slightest notion how to respond - just part of my difficulty with the world.

BILBO - the counseling idea is something you really need to consider - if nothing else it will give you the strength you need to move forward no matter what happens.

Thanks for showing me some of this from a man's perspective. Some of this is similar in my life, too. I spend all of my time doing the housework & taking care of everyone. I miss the person I used to be & feel like I lost myself. I shift between blaming myself & blaming Mr. Crazy. We also cannot afford a babysitter & I get jealous & depressed when he gets to go out & I do not. Maybe I'm just deluding myself, but I feel like things could be a lot better if he wanted to take me out, just us adults, once in a while. I'm trying so hard to deal with this, but from my perspective, I feel like my whole life is about taking care of everyone else. I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe your wife needs some special one-on-one time with you.

It does sound like your wife is in a state of crisis. She called you at work to fix it (which is irrational) and now she's trying to avoid it entirely by distancing herself from it. It's sad really, one of these days she's going to regret her actions, but it is a path she must take. The only mistake that you have made calling for help was feeling bad about it. Honestly what else were you supposed to do?

Right now the best thing you can do is set your own boundaries and goals. If you feel that therapy will help you, go! Do not let anyone manipulate you into staying in the rut that isn't working right now.

You speak a lot about her needs and desires, but what are your own? There is a fine line between enabling and supporting someone. Figure out what you really want then sit down and have a frank conversation with her. Not as an attack, but someone has to address the elephant in the room. Life is about priorities. If there is enough money for her to go out clubbing, then there is enough money to hire a babysitter and make time for the two of you.

I am a firm believer that people give up on their marriages entirely too easily. BUT it requires an effort from you both. Right now I suspect that she doesn't respect you. She's told you that she's met someone else and wants you to wait around to see how it plays out. She has issues, I understand that, but we are still responsible for our actions and must deal with the consequences. Until she reaches a point that she's ready to work on the real issues there is very little you can do for her. But in the meantime you can help yourself and your children.

People change. Every experience we have changes us. You are not the same person you were 10 years ago, but would you want to be?

Sunrise - She says that I suck as a husband because I am not good at rescuing her. When she calls me at work to tell her how the kids are killing each other getting ready for school and not listening to her, she expects me to drop everything and race home to rescue her. When I get home everything is calm and there is nothing for me to do. She is usually still angry at the situation and finds tasks to do to keep busy, not liking to talk about it. When she cools off we talk about different plans to handle the situation, but with three young boys, they are a challenge. I've come home to the point where my boss has told me several times that I cannot just take off like that anymore. I've still taken off and continue to risk my job, but she feels that I am too important here and nothing would happen. Well, I probably am, but I feel like I have taken advantage of the situation already. Another thing she says that I fail at is when one she flies off the handle at one child when I'm home. I usually try to let her work it out with him because when I do get involved nothing gets resolved until she can calm down and we can talk. This is one of the areas she says I am unemotional because I try talk through it rather than scream and punish without thinking through it. She needs action immediately. I've noticed that I have tendencies to act like her towards the kids when she is more uptight so that she doesn't get involved. A preemptive strike if you will. Then I hear about how she doesn't like me treating the kids that way.
I do love her. I am a sucker for her because of the mood swings she can be so lovely at times. And I do believe that we can work through this. I am very optimistic and positive almost all of the time, and that drives her a little batty as well.
Galetre - you are absolutely right! We do need some one on one time alone. It is a very difficult problem when money is tight and family doesn't help and we have more than 2 children. I think that 2 is the max to ask friends to watch. We do have after school care that we have started to use more of lately. Gives us an extra hour or so together when i get home. But going out at night is tougher.
AAAAA - there is not enough money for her to go out. She is pretty good though, only spending 20 bucks or so. She is not clubbing, just hitting an upscale bar with dancing. Where I live, the babysitting rate is high, about $30 and hour for 3. We need to find some kind of balance.

You ask about what I want, that I don't state my wants. I think that this might be what my wife calls unemotional. I don't need a lot. I have my things that I like and do but those all come after my wife and kids. I leave the house once a week for a couple of hours off racquetball but only after the kids are going down to sleep. I really do enjoy spending time with them. I wish that my wife could get more enjoyment out of the simpler things in life, but I think that I was attracted to her because she wanted more. She is a vibrant person that leads a full life. In a perfect world we could find a balance where both of us could be influenced by each other to the mutual benefit of both of us.

I empathize with your strugglles. One thing that stuck in your post was - she requested an 'open marriage' - I don't mean to bring you down but that's a huge red flag. I think she could be emotionally cheating or desiring outside affection. I think she disillusioned with the marriage. Some people don't handle daily family stresses well. I think you and your wife need to have a nice talk and figure out if she wants to be in this marriage. You seem to be devoted and trying, but I hear you trying more. If she can spend $20 going out dancing, she should lower it down and instead put the money in a jar - and you it to go out together dancing.

It also sounds like there a child discipline problem. She shouldn't be calling you to come home early to handle the kids. The kids need consequences and she should be able to handle them. It's sounds like you're doing a lot more than she is and she seems like she has lost interest in family life. Do you go out with the guys?

Some couples have problems accepting the reality of daily family life. This can take a toll on romance and sometimes one partner will start craving outside attention. I think this is what's happening in your case. The open marriage thought is very concerning and I would focus on this - is she emotionally flirting with someone else or worse. If she's not willing to work on the marriage then you both could amicably split, but I would be very concerned about her being capable to take care of the kids. It seems like you're accommodating her too much and she's not participating enough as a mother or partner.

I'm worried I killed this thread with my thoughts on the 'open marriage'. When a partner starts talking about an open marriage - this means they're either thinking about being with someone or are in the process already. I sympathize with you because I am in a similar situation as you.