I tried to have a good Thanksgiving this year, making everything and going out of my way to make it as special as mom made it, but I don't think I have that ability. It was ok, for having my family dying off, and I missed a lot of tradition in it. My brother refuses to come, my sister lives in North Carolina and couldn't come. Me and my dad seem like the only constant in the family anymore. But, we tried to make the best of it. My dad is heartbroken because my brother won't come to the holidays anymore, which I can understand. The laughter, love, and festive feeling you get around the holidays is gone...maybe forever.

I haven't felt like celebrating anything since my mom died in 2004. It feels like half of me has died inside. I can't get that loving feeling back that the holidays brought when mom was around...I just can't grasp it anymore. My family is dying off very quickly, too. You see my mother's death brought on more death to the family....let me explain...when she died two months later her sister died, then my grandfather died a few months later, now my aunt is dying of cancer, which only leaves my uncle left to carry on the family. I feel like I have nothing left there, but I keep even closer tabs on everyone. I call my uncle everyday to make sure things are ok, I have a tighter hold on my dad, and have become terrified of anyone dying, but I know it's coming.

All the women in my family have died of cancer or had cancer when they died, except for my grandmother who was an alcoholic and died of complications of the drinking. My little sister has had ovarian cysts, and I fear that this may become my fate, too.