Not the same

I tried to have a good Thanksgiving this year, making everything and going out of my way to make it as special as mom made it, but I don't think I have that ability. It was ok, for having my family dying off, and I missed a lot of tradition in it. My brother refuses to come, my sister lives in North Carolina and couldn't come. Me and my dad seem like the only constant in the family anymore. But, we tried to make the best of it. My dad is heartbroken because my brother won't come to the holidays anymore, which I can understand. The laughter, love, and festive feeling you get around the holidays is gone...maybe forever.

I haven't felt like celebrating anything since my mom died in 2004. It feels like half of me has died inside. I can't get that loving feeling back that the holidays brought when mom was around...I just can't grasp it anymore. My family is dying off very quickly, too. You see my mother's death brought on more death to the family....let me explain...when she died two months later her sister died, then my grandfather died a few months later, now my aunt is dying of cancer, which only leaves my uncle left to carry on the family. I feel like I have nothing left there, but I keep even closer tabs on everyone. I call my uncle everyday to make sure things are ok, I have a tighter hold on my dad, and have become terrified of anyone dying, but I know it's coming.

All the women in my family have died of cancer or had cancer when they died, except for my grandmother who was an alcoholic and died of complications of the drinking. My little sister has had ovarian cysts, and I fear that this may become my fate, too.

(((((Lexicon)))) I know the feeling. I am the youngest in my core family... of course all of my siblings had children who are having children... but they all have their own lives in various states... and it's too much to come "home" for any particular holiday. I guess they have so much in their lives they don't understand "family" traditions. My dad was older than my mom, and so his family has all died... my mom's also, but she is still around (85) It's been her and me since Hurricane Andrew and the year after, as my dad died and my sons and hubby left me.... I have one sister who keeps trying to "make" family be family and she draws back in upset and hurt when things don't happen that way. I guess I am too depressed to hope for any good feelings from any gettogethers now.

Everyone in my dad's family died of cancer, all of his 5 brothers and dad and himself too: they each died from a different type of cancer! One even had one that was only a woman's cancer (back then I guess) ... but I don't fear cancer as I eat so differently than they... I don't think they realized what chemicals were being put into the foods.. and were real meateaters... I use few chemicals in life (and have my housekeepers keep what they use to a minimum too!) I think fear is one thing that can allow cancer to develop... imo when our tolerances are lowered... like a cold.. it's there to invade.

Of course, there are surgical ways to be sure not to get certain cancers... sigh. All you can hope is that either you won't get a cancer, or they will have a better course of treatment by the time you do...

No, holidays are not the same as we remember... and we usually only remember a good one or two and the loving warm fuzzies it gave us... I think the reason for the term "you can't go home again." TC