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Yesterdays · Dec 13, 2010, 07:20 PM

I know not many of you know me, so I'm not sure how many people will actually read this. But I just really need someone right now, need to know that people understand.

To give some background info, I've been depressed for about three to four years now, which really sucks considering I'm only 15. It's hard to tell when it began. Recently I was admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts, twice in two weeks, and after I got out things were okay for awhile. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder, though, and things are started to get really hard again.

Is it strange that part of me wishes I was back in the hospital so I had constant support, people constantly understanding? So I knew I wasn't alone? I can't stop thinking about how fat I am, how ugly I am. I'm extremely overweight, and I'm not just saying that. Doctors tell me it, everyone can tell.

I hate myself. I loathe myself. And I'm sick of living. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I want to live in the hospital for the rest of my life. That's all I want. It's my comfort place. I don't want to really exist.

Why can't I just make this go away? I never asked for it. I was hopeful for awhile that I could go away to a school where you can go to therapy and work on losing weight and everything like that. But now my mom said it costs too much money... I'm just going to be fat and depressed for the rest of my life.

I can't take this anymore... I can't stop crying... I just want to be normal again. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate living.