My dear friend, you should NOT be ashamed for how your mother felt about you!! You were a precious child!!! She was a sick woman -- anyone who can't love a child is SICK!! You should be very PROUD of yourself for surviving as good as you did!! I applaud you!! But PLEASE don't feel ashamed. It had nothing to do with you -- you were innocent in everything!!

When you go to confession, just tell the priest that because of being abandoned, you didn't go to church - and now you're back and want to be forgiven. ANY priest will give you absolution for that! God has ALREADY forgiven you. Don't even worry about it. God is a forgiving & loving God -- He's not a judgmental and damning God. So go back to Church if that's what you want to do. They'll welcome you with open arms.

It would be a good idea (if you can afford it) to go to a therapist. You need someone face-to-face to talk to. Coming here is good in a pinch, but a therapist is best. Personally, I think you're a nice person from what I've read in your post -- you're sensitive and well spoken. Just don't blame yourself for your childhood -- there's nothing you could have done -- nothing was caused by you! I wish you the very best my friend. I hope good things begin to happen for you. Hugs, Lee