long distance

i was youngest of 5,2 brothers 2 sisters ,catholic school etc. i havent seenthem since i was 9,i last saw my parentswhen i was21, bad mom she hated me ever since i was 4 calling me stupid ,damn dummy and hitting me with her knuckles on my head as i sat on a stool in front of a blackboard trying to do my addition tables ,from 4 on it got worse, i used to go to sleep crying every night asking god to take me to heaven,i nver spoke to her again after i moved to alaska,once maybe ,i always felt bad for dad ,i never said anything to anynoe how mom was to me ,he was a war hero and a pillar of a man ,now their dead ,im 51,my brothers and sisters have never tied to contact me,they all went to collage , i can only imagine what my mother must have told them about me ,i stopped going to mass when i wasabout 14-15 mad at god for making me , how do i go to church again ,how do i explain myself in confession,im alone,never had a lasting girlfriend,ashamed of being hated, by mom, family, no job now,i need asomeone to listen and give me perspective now.

My dear friend, you should NOT be ashamed for how your mother felt about you!! You were a precious child!!! She was a sick woman -- anyone who can't love a child is SICK!! You should be very PROUD of yourself for surviving as good as you did!! I applaud you!! But PLEASE don't feel ashamed. It had nothing to do with you -- you were innocent in everything!!

When you go to confession, just tell the priest that because of being abandoned, you didn't go to church - and now you're back and want to be forgiven. ANY priest will give you absolution for that! God has ALREADY forgiven you. Don't even worry about it. God is a forgiving & loving God -- He's not a judgmental and damning God. So go back to Church if that's what you want to do. They'll welcome you with open arms.

It would be a good idea (if you can afford it) to go to a therapist. You need someone face-to-face to talk to. Coming here is good in a pinch, but a therapist is best. Personally, I think you're a nice person from what I've read in your post -- you're sensitive and well spoken. Just don't blame yourself for your childhood -- there's nothing you could have done -- nothing was caused by you! I wish you the very best my friend. I hope good things begin to happen for you. Hugs, Lee

Hello, michaelgregory. You certainly have had a tough go of it. I hope you find the help you need.

this is the first time ive ever put some of these feelings out anywhere to anyone ,i guess because its anonymous,thanks for reading them and wishing me well,its somehow comforting to expose these thoughts that haunt me to the world,thank you lee

its very sad to break a boys spirit and never be accountable,what evil.