I am taking a beginners industry course in floristry. It's hard physically. I never knew flowers could make me cry.

I am always hard on myself. I hate being so weak. I hate needing all these doctors. I was going to a pain clinic but it is private and I can't afford it, even with my insurance. It is roughly $200 a visit and I'd have to go a lot. I get most of the money back but it's having it there in the first place. My disability pension doesn't go very far.
There is a public pain clinic but it's a one year waiting list.

This morning, the only way I know how to not SI, and not spend money (I punish myself for spending money), is to take pills and sleep.