Fell

am covered up even though it's hot. Hoping my partner doesn't notice. I cut for the first time in a ffew weeks. I went out and bought a swiss army knife - like one I stole off my brother when I was 15. But this one is sharper.
I feel numb and stupid. In fog.

I am trying not to cut again. It felt soothing, but ugly. I don't know what to do.

Just now my cat scratched a mole on my arm accidently and the blood was...beautiful. It is tempting. It didn't stop bleeding for a while and it was good. I'm trying not to dwell on it. But I want to go back. What are a few more scars? I have hundreds.

hate this, I am failing again.

The second part of this sentence is good. Do you know why? Because it means deep down you've realized that cutting is bad.

This doesn't make sense! If you hate it, that means you don't want to do it and if you don't want to do it you don't have to. You're not failing. You're just being tempted and you have to fight the temptations. There is a monster inside you that wants you to hurt yourself. Force it to give up and lose all hope.

I understand. Blood can really be hypnotizing to look at.

Why did you buy a swiss army knife? Was it for another reason, or specifically for SI?

A few more scars turns into a few more, and then sooner or later you're back into a power struggle with the urge to quit - and that's dangerous. You made it a few weeks - good for you! What helped you get to that point?

Do you understand what is causing your urges? When is your therapy appt.?

This is the thing...I THINK my app is next monday....my brain is so screwed up at the moment I can't remember anything. I might have to ring the clinic....my memory is v bad when i'm depressed.

Urges? Stress of new course I'm doing, frustration with partner, frustration with insane cat throwing up all over the place (we rent, cream carpet ), physical pain making me tired and unhappy, feeling worthless, feeling fat, hating my lack of direction.....basically, if there's the slightest problem, I'm at risk. Even the garbage not being put out sends me over the edge.
I'm a shipwreck in a whirlwind in a hailstorm at the bottom of a black hole. Blood is the only thing that makes sense. When I hurt myself, I know where the pain comes from, why it is there and when it will stop. I control it. Unlike the rest of my life.

Yes, I bought the swiss army knife for SI, fooling myself that oh, yeah, maybe I'll need it for my floristry course.

"Some days I am everything I hate"

...that rings true with us all - but we all have different ways of dealing / coping with it. The trick is finding ways that are not destructive to ourself or to others.

That "trick", to me, is the "door" we must walk through...self realization(i.e. healing) and learning (in my opinion) are the "keys".

Love and Peace,
J

THis is very insightful. You understand exactly why you are SI ing.

I hope you take this list to therapy because these are the things that you will need to work on.

The main themes seem to be stress, frustration, self hate and pain.

Are you getting enough medical help for the pain?

I know with myself that I can decrease my frustration if I change my expectations about it. I can actually tell myself that I'm not going to get frustrated about certain things and it really works for me.

Which course are you taking? (If you don't mind me asking).

hang strong im here if ya wanna talk

I am taking a beginners industry course in floristry. It's hard physically. I never knew flowers could make me cry.

I am always hard on myself. I hate being so weak. I hate needing all these doctors. I was going to a pain clinic but it is private and I can't afford it, even with my insurance. It is roughly $200 a visit and I'd have to go a lot. I get most of the money back but it's having it there in the first place. My disability pension doesn't go very far.
There is a public pain clinic but it's a one year waiting list.

This morning, the only way I know how to not SI, and not spend money (I punish myself for spending money), is to take pills and sleep.

I'm not sure that I understand. You get your money back?

Are you on the public wait list then? A year will go by eventually.

So you don't like the class?

Ah, the Australian public health system - I just tried to type an explanation but it's too much for me right now. BAsically, you pay X amount for a private health service, and if you are on the public health ssystem (Medicare), you take your reciept to them and the refund the difference. Say I might pay $350 for a service - because I'm on the disability pension and Medicare I get back approximately 60 - 70% of what I paid. I really don't get why we don't just pay the difference and save all that trouble.

ANYWAY.....the hard thing is scrounging up the money in the first place. Thus I have to go on the public health system where I am bulk-billed (and don't pay anything...don't ask me to explain. Argh!) but the waiting list for these free services is miles long. SO, say I had an abscess in my tooth and couldn't afford adentist: I'd go on the public dental scheme waiting list and be on it for anything up to a year/year and a half before I am seen. By this stage I may have blood poisoning and be rushed to emergency.

This is why I chose to get private health insurance, I have too many health issues. But I can't afford premium services so only have basic healthcover.

Jeez that was boring to talk about!

So, yes, I can wait a year and suffer in silence, getting slowly worse. That sure is fun. While those who are rich can swan in and get everyting when they want. When they want.

As to floristry - I like the class, I love flowers, I am just not coping right now.

I see. Getting on the wait list is still a good thing though isn't it? Yes, you have to wait a year but the year will go by either way and if you are on the list, you will get your services eventually.

True, but I need help now. That sounds damn selfish but....I'm very close to the edge right now.

Hey Amoslass...

I just wanted to let you know that you're not weak, and to try not to be so ashamed about cutting again. Try to see if you can go even longer than you did before, but don't beat yourself up for having a relapse, it happens sometimes and in no way are you 'failing' or a bad person for it.

All of us feel pain differently, and it effects us all to different degrees. If someone is more effected by their pain that doesn't make them weak, they should not be ashamed... And accepting help can sometimes prove how strong you really are. This is something I've learned myself, that accepting help and going to get help is a great thing that I have done for myself, and it has proven that I am strong and I can take care of myself. Even if taking care of myself involves accepting aid from others.

For coping, have you tried journaling, or doing something you really enjoy and love? A lot of times to beat the urges, all you have to do is find a good, consuming distraction. I did best when I was in a martial arts class myself... the physical exercise can be great for depression because it gets you moving and the endorphins flowing. I know that I paint or draw when I'm feeling urges because it's time consuming and something that I enjoy.

Good luck, I hope things get better for you soon.