Laviee, I have to turn away so often when I see things on TV where there is cruely to animals. I turn off the sound. I look away. I cannot see it. I am so sorry that you got triggered by seeing something. I understand Pema's teachings about being with something so we can move through it. But I cannot stay in that moment of witnessing something horrible. Even a photo. Perhaps I should. I am sorry that you are expereincing the challenge of the anniversary of the loss of someone who is dear to you. Loss is something I struggle with. You wrote about music in your head. I find this interesting. I wonder if this is a gift. Sometimes gifts that we do not know how to control or handle can drive us batty.
Safe hugs for you and I agree with sundog, please do not apoligize for venting. Being able to do that here is what makes this thread attractive to me. Challenge and inspiration.

SS I wrote a very long thing in response to many things you wrote. So here it is. Warning, it is veryyyy long. And also, I think I was reading an earlier page. So I do not think I was responding to current posts. However I just spent 20 inutes writing it. So it shall not be deleted by me :
SS I didnt see Sonya Choquette in person. I subscribe to several free teleseminar groups. They are not really groups. I do not know what they are. But there are different people who do free teleseminars. You call in and listen. Or you can tune in on the internet and even ask a question. The host who is doing the interview will read the question, if yours is chosen. otherwise you just listen to the speaker. They have had many amazing speakers.

Thank you for telling me how you monitor your avoiding tendencies. I am very inpressed ( I know you did not mean to sound impressive. But to me, you are )

You wrote about someone at Pema's website talking about sitting in a chair as an option. I have long held the belief that as souls we gravitate to that which we are familiar with from previous incarnations. Often that very thing feels so comfortable. Sitting on the floor does not bring me any comfort at all. While sitting in a chair does. I think also about some people who have physical limitations which exclude sitting on the floor. For me it was a conflict to sit in a chair when I was doing the Zen Buddhist model. But then I found another model that actually teaches how to make the most of sitting in a chair.

You addressed the "why" of not loving oneself as we would love another. For me, it is simply one of the things I came to heal in this lifetime. Seperation from myself as divine. Self blame. Self condemnation. Thinking I am less than others. I believe that I came in this way, as a soul. I believe I chose parents and early situations to augment this situation. In doing that, I could have more of an opportunity to recreate it and finally, hopefully heal this wound I carry on a soul level. Its just what I believe. So how do I heal it? I do not think that getting validation from without does any good. Perhaps the most important components of healing this is what we each are already striving for? To meditate. I ask Divine for healing. I do not know how to love myself as I love others. I can see the light and beautiful heart in others. But not in myself. People for decades have said " why can you help others but not yourself?" my answer is simple. I love them. After having said this, I also want to say that I believe this time is a great opportunity for so many people on earth to heal tremendous amounts of imbalance. How can this possibly be healed if it is not present and prominent to be seen? I personally think that what we see in ourselves that we wish to heal, is there so we can have the option to heal it at this time. Whew, I hope that was not too much to say here.

Singing. Ahhh i am sorry that you had this expereince in the 4th grade that caused you to not sing as freely as you could. Maybe all of life is a song. Maybe everything is vibration, as is music and color. I hope you will sing the songs of whatever you are feeling or whereever you want to be in a moment. I used to be a pianist. I had an amazing teacher. He once told me he would listen to music two different ways. one was to match where he was. the other was to move to where he wanted to be. I hope you will sing. sing. sing !!!!!

Yesterday, because of this thread, I spent more time in the moment. Just snippets of time. In the moment, breathing in and out. But what was monumental yesterday is that I finally was able to manage the panic attacks. I felt them coming on and did the breathing. I think I read about it in this thread, although I am not positive. Just do the breathing through the beginning of the attack. And poof it never becomes full blown. I think the adrenaline just never fully surges. So there !!! I did that two or three times yesterday and averted each panic attack before it became full blown.

I will be honest with you, I have not yet wrangled myself to sit. I want to. But for me, there is an odd thing I have never figured out. I am not good at doing things alone. Perhaps its the child in me. I always need someone doing things with me. I am not proud of this. And I do not admit it. But there it is. I once was able to sit 30 minutes a day three times a day ( total 1 1/2 hours a day) because a naturopath told me that an archangel whom I love very much said if I did that he would help with the digestive system problem which is quite extreme. I think she said I was to do it for three weeks. I did it. I must say it was amazing to feel all that light. But then I stopped.

Sundog, you wrote about not seeing any improvement in yourself. I want to share somethig with you. It is something I have noticed over the years. often during those times when people do not see any improvement in themselves, or whatever their endevor is, it is because they are in transition. I call it the vacume. And the new is closer than one would think. I first noticed this when I was learning music. I would think I had lost all progress. But in fact, I had just lost sight of where I was because I was in that vacume. It always is a frightning and awful place to be. But it is followed by a new level. I want to offer to you that this may be where you are headed. Especially because I know you have started a new healing path.

I do wish I was making more progress. And its easy for me to give other peope hope, comfort and validation. However it is more than challenging for me to give that to myself. Fortunatly there is someone who once a month can do that for me.

Walking back through the darkness is often the only way to get to the light. what strong warriers are those who do this profoundly challenging walk !! Thank you all.