Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

Thank you so much for understanding the depth of my love for my dogs (((((((ss)))))))) I don't have kids so I don't know what that relationship would feel like for me, but it's hard to imagine loving anyone more than I love my dogs. I love them so much it hurts. Sometimes I worry I love them too much. There I go again, worrying.........

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Bubba

PS: When you ask if it might help if I took the sedative before things get really bad, I think it might. However, what tends to happen is, before it gets really bad I tell myself that it's manageable......So it's kind of a vicious cycle.....

Thanks so much again ((((((((((ss)))))))))) I really appreciate your support. Not to mention your wisdom. I do agree that avoidance can be self-care. But then, as you say, avoidance can cross over into habit and you get stuck. And that feels like where I'm at: in the stuck place.

Another thing I have a huge problem with is guilt. I feel so guilty for certain things that I am avoiding and the effect this has on people I care about. It's getting to a point where the guilt is almost as bad as the anxiety about doing the thing I'm avoiding. I'm not sure if this is progress or not?!?!?!

How were you able to recover from your anxiety when it was at it's worst? Did the mood stabilizer help with that? Or did you do something else?

Thanks so much for sharing.

I'm so sorry you lost the long message you were writing ((((((((SunSun)))))))) It's incredibly frustrating when that happens. I love the photo of Sister Chan Khong. And thanks also for sharing about the technique of singing to quieten the monkey chatter!

Wow sun!! That picture is breath taking. I think I could stare at it for hours. The earth and its reflection look like a giant mouth and lips. lol

I want to reply to your comments to my earlier posts but I need to run out for awhile so I will come back again later. I hope your day is going well. Take care.

Oh wow! I didn't see it like that until you mentioned it. But now I see the mouth/lips very clearly! Now I really see what you mean about your ability to see faces everywhere!

Thank you sunset.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsetsunrise .....my heart loves deeply. I also do not have self love. So my love is projected outward.

I think that is really insightful about yourself. Loving all of myself is a daily challenge for me too. Recognizing that projecting love outward is to some extent a substitute or compensation for a lack of self love is any interesting understanding. Perhaps it is a good starting point from which to consider what makes us so different in our own determination from those who we decide might actually BE worthy. Why can't we love ourselves as we love our neighbours, our pets, our friends and family?

When I used to hear the spiritual teachings, 'Love your neighbour as you love yourself....' 'Do for your neighbour as you would have them do for you.' I would hear that self loathing voice say, 'yea right, that would definitely short change my neighbour. I can do better then that for them.' When did I stop loving myself and how can I learn to love myself again? How can I love myself as my neighbours, friends, family, pets love me? What makes me so unworthy of love? Why do I short change myself? Why do I deny myself the love of others? Why is it I cling to my fear in exchange for love?

"Self-love, my liege, in not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting." William Shakespeare

"I celebrate myself, and sing myself." Walt Witman

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." Oscar Wilde
Yes, I am greatful to learn of the option to sit in a chair to meditate. Somehow just hearing that was liberating for me. I am good with sitting straight in the chair with my legs crossed and arms resting on my thighs but I prefer the higher elevation for some reason.

I found this today reading from Pema Chodron's website (are you familiar with her at all?). A contributor,also spoke about sitting in a chair.

"When we sit, we sit with some kind of pride and dignity. Our legs are crossed, shoulders relaxed. We have a sense of what is above, a sense that something is pulling us up the same time we have a sense of ground. The arms should rest comfortably on the thighs. Those who cannot sit down on a cushion can sit in a chair. The main point is to be somewhat comfortable." Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche
http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/meditation3.php

I do remember reading some stuff about HSP. I definately fit the profile. I have always been this way even before other symptoms started to ramp up their games in my head. No question the sensitivities are magnified when symptoms are acting up but certain sounds have always set me off. You have me interested in learning more about it again.
I hope they encourage you to believe in your own capacities. I am not sure now if I shared this but I am learning that if, before I automatically assume I can't do something because I always do, because I am too afraid of the consequences (melt down, embarrassment, rejection....), I take a moment to ask myself if my fear has any basis in fact. Each and every time I face a challenge not to avoid, I now ask myself if I stilll feel it is necessary or if maybe I can venture out after all. I am free to say 'Nope, not ready." or "Maybe I can do some of what I am avoiding so I will venture that far out" or even "Yea I think I am up for this today." The lesson for me as been to trust I am on the road to recovery and what was necessary yesterday to keep me safe may not be necessary today. By checking in with myself I am allowing healing to come into my life, one step, one day at a time.

An example is when a few weeks back my uncle passed away and I had to decide if I was up for going to the funeral and mixing with all the people at the reception. I really wanted to support my father even though he said he would understand if I wasn't up for it. When I asked myself if I could do the funeral I decided, yes, I could do that much because I knew the graveside service was family only. Then I asked myself about the reception. Not so sure about that because I knew there would be a lot of people and the volume was likely to be pretty high. I decided maybe I could do that but I would wait to decide for sure after the funeral. I ended up going but when symptoms of anxiety and hypersensitivity started acting up I said my good byes. I sat in the truck for a while re-centering myself by focus on my breath and getting a grip on the anxiety that had started to build. On the drive home I rejoice in the fact that I did something I normally-habitually would avoid and nothing horrible happened.
What a beautiful woman she is. Beyond the physical beauty her beauty within is so bright. I can't imagine how magnificant it would be to see her, and feel her essense in person. I can't wait to find out more about her and her teachings.

I remembered you writing this about singing when I found the quote that I posted above. I often sing songs outload that I make up because I am useless at remembering the words to many songs, other then Christian praise songs I learned many moons ago. I may remember a tune but I will have to make up my own words. I love to go to the river to harmonize witht the songs of the rushing water. I also love the hand drum and I will play it and make up songs, not with words, but with sounds. It is a great way to stay in the moment and feel connected spiritually with the universe. I won't sing if others are around. I know where it comes from. I was told by my 4th grade teacher not to sing so load and again when I was in a highschool play I was told to not sing so load because I couldn't sing. It was so hurtful because both times I was feeling so much joy and happiness from the singing. I was crushed into silence by their rebuke of me.

Sun, that picture is awesome. I want to share with you something i used to do. I do not know if it has the same effect for everyone. But I will share the expereince for myself. I would bring up a picture on my pc. Windows picture viewer or whatever its called. Then I would zoom in more and more and more. Until I felt like I was inside the flower, or merged with whatever the picture was. Of course it was always a picture of nature. I would not want to merge with a building. Although once I merged with a dolphin.... it was an assignment for class. pretty amazing. Anyway, the physical shift I feel when I zoom in on picture of flower or tree or whever it is, is pretty amazing. Its like an instant ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Thank you again for the amazing photo. i want to thank everyone who shares from such a deep place. I am very grateful to read your words. <3<3<3

What an awesome idea sunset. I am going to try that for sure. I am an avid gardener and I take tons of picture. I will sometimes just sit in front of my computer and watch as the slide show of garden pics on the screen saver.

I have so many pics of flowers to choose from it will be fun to experience the effects of zooming in. Thanks for sharing the approach.

I just wanted to touch in here for a bit, am looking for some sanctuary. I can't meditate lately, though I've been trying to listen to dharma talks to keep the principals alive. I can't keep up with reading everyone's posts, though I want to. I was just triggered very badly a few minutes ago, while online looking for animal photos. I stumbled upon something really bad, and I'm quite messed up over it. I so want this image out of my mind. Dog welfare is my number one hot button issue. I can't stop crying and shaking. I will never go to Google animal image search again. Forgive me for this post. I truly hope that I am not triggering anyone. I'm so so sorry. I try so hard to avoid coming upon this sort of thing, but it was too late. There it was, and now it's burned into my mind. Pema Chodron speaks of "staying" with what arises, but I only want to flee. I know that these are only thoughts, mere thoughts, puffs of mental smoke which will pass. It will pass. And there will be peace again. I hope that everyone here is safe and well and that the practice is growing and deepening for everyone. Metta.

Cool! (((((SunSun)))) I will try that too!

I was reminded of a good Zen quote today and I wanted to share it with you guys (if you don't know it already!):

This really speaks to me!!!! I spend a lot of time trying to avoid this!

(((((((lavie))))))) I'm so sorry. This has happened to me too........((((((((lavie))))))) I wish you peace. May your mind be free

I love that Zen quote Sun. I have never heard it and it is so fitting. How often I feel I need to be 'doing' instead of 'being'.

Thanks for these great quotes. Self-loathing is one of my strong suits and I really appreciate these literary reminders that compassion needs to start at home.

Wow! This is really inspiring to read ((((((ss))))))) Well done! Well done!!!!! I love how you managed to do something that part of you wanted to avoid. And I love how you took such good care of yourself while you were doing it. Awesome stuff! I can remember how good it feels after doing something like that (I haven't managed it in a while).

Thanks so much for sharing that

That makes me feel really sad. I'm so sorry your teacher was so thoughtless and insensitive (((((ss))))))

I stand in agreement and claim for you the peace you desire. These kinds of sneak up attacks are really upsetting. They catch you off guard and before you know it you are crumbling under the pressure. And disturbing images are the worst! You are not only trying to deal with the anxiety triggered but at the same time trying to shut out the haunting images. I am impressed with the dialogue you are having with your self to reclaim your peace again. May you feel the healing of your words.

A sudden meltdown like this (minus the disturbing images) happened to me just recently too. I was feeling fine overall. I was tired by satisfied with myself because I managed to clear the driveway and my truck of 6 inches of snow. I was good to go in the morning to drive my son to school. The biggest chore had been to clear away the the big pile of snow left behind by the snow plow blocking my driveway. It is a constant irritation for me.

Later that night while getting a glass of water before going to bed I looked out and I was sure I could see another pile of snow blocking the drive. I could not believe what I was seeing. I went outside in the freezing cold with nothing but a long t-shirt and my snow boots to see if what I was seeing was for real. I totally lost it when I saw another pile of snow blocking my drive. Out of nowhere the rage and anquish consumed me and before I knew it I was falling to peices. I was mad that it meant I would have to get up extra early to clear it again but more then that I felt like it had been done to me on purpose. There was no snow blocking the neighbours drive so I thought it was pay back for snarling at the guy when I was out there when he passed by a few days before.

It took all my resolve to take a deep breath and turn to processing my feelings. I did manage to catch myself before I cycled too far into the pain. Like you I used positive self talk to push myself through and beyond the experience. I repeated the talk until I felt some relief and was able to start believing it.

A side note to my story..... when I woke the next morning prepared to get outside to shovel away the pile so I could drive my son to school I looked out the window and to my surprise the pile was gone! Not believing my eyes I dashed outside to look and it was in fact gone. And all the new snow that had come in the night was also cleared of the drive behind my truck. An angel had come very early that morning and cleared it all away. I found out today it was my neighbour who had come over with his snow blower and cleared my drive. It made my day to think how considerate it was of him and how lucky I am to have such good people around me.

I hope lavie that you start to feel better soon. That your peace is restore and you might find some comfort in knowing you are not alone. This is why we have come together to practice and learn those things that can empower us to stand up to those kinds of triggers no matter how quickly they are put upon us.

We are on a journey and sometimes it might feel like the mountain is too high. The canyons to low. Together we can encourage each other to make it through the canyons and up to the top. Encourage each other to stay in the moment each step along the way. Moving forwad but present with each step we take. When we do reach our destination the view of our world will open up and the beauty like never before will capture our hearts with renewed our understanding.

Blessing Lavie and may restful peace grace you tonight.

gee... i am gabby these days. I have yet to learn the art of being concise.

Thanks sun for your response to my singing story. I didn't mean to end that post with such a downer story but it just came out and I didn't bother to delete it. Sorry if it upset you. It doesn't upset me anymore. It was what it was. I take from the experiences an understanding that that internal validation is more important to my wellbeing then any external could ever be. Searching always for validation from other will keep you from experiences peace of mind. The old (PPD) people pleasing disorder.

It definitely wasn't a downer. And I didn't find it sad in a triggering way. Just, my heart went out to you. And to everyone who has their exuberance quashed. I do find that sad, because those joyful moments can be hard to come by. And when they do happen, they need to be celebrated!

It's great that you know how to validate yourself. You're so right that it's much better not to rely on validation from others

I feel needy for a sit tonight before I head to bed. I don't think it will be for very long because I am pretty tired from all the shoveling I did again today. I think the cardo has been really good for me and it is nice to feel physically tired because of it.

I have been reading quite abit from the Pema website tonight and it has inspired me to apply some of what spoke to me. I think I will give visualization a rest for tonight and just open myself up without prompting.

I am sleeping much better since practicing mindlessness before rolling over to sleep. I don't sleep for as long as I probably should so I am hoping that in time I will find the right amount and be able to maintain it. Sleep is so key to anxiety busting, says she who hates to admit that about sleep. If I had my way I would never need to sleep. Maybe that is just a response to having problems sleep for most of my life. I often will do an all nighter rather then open myself up to the struggle fo sleep.

Off I go. Catch up with you all tomorrow.

May you rest peaceful when sleep comes for you tonight. Blessings.

Thanks ((((((sundog)))))) and (((((((sanityseeker))))))) for your responses. I apologize for giving vent to the poor frame of mind I was in last night. I fear that I do this too often, and I need to do better at containing and soothing myself, rather than splash all over the place, possibly harming others in the process. I am sorry. I also feel for the difficult times that you both face. I had some snow dumping problems myself. It's very aggravating. I'm glad that you, SS have such good neighbors. I feel for the struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety. Today is a 2 year anniversary of the loss of someone important to me. I'm struggling a lot with mood and drive. Still, I want to find more resilience within. I need to stop running from everything that seems difficult, aversive. I wonder to what degree my poor concentration is worsened by constant self-talk about how poor my concentration is. My mind is very suggestible. I have to bring to mind memories of peaceful moments, even blissful moments that I've had, not caused by external circumstances, but by a shift in consciousness, or by "grace". I can't force this to reoccur, but I can choose to sow seeds, and choose how to respond to negative states when they arise. My mind so automatically frequently veers toward the negative. It takes vigilance and effort to address the pattern. I need to call up greater willingness to make the effort, and not pull the blankets over my head, passively wishing it would all just get better somehow. This is my life and my misfiring brain. Today, I'll try for greater acceptance of what shows up in my life, not apathy or victimhood, but fighting or fleeing.

A few years ago, I began experiencing hearing music in my head. I don't know what caused it. It isn't psychosis. It doesn't respond to medication. It's pretty much constant, and extremely annoying, though very low in volume. A Buddhist teacher, maybe Pema Chodron, used the phrase, "and this, too", meaning when we think we can't take any more adversity, there's yet more to open to, to accept.

Onward, you spiritual warriors.

(((lavie)))) please don't apologize for giving vent to your frame of mind no matter how poor you assess it to be. Otherwise you won't be the only one here who needs to apologize.

I think it is good for each of us that we are sharing our own feelings and our own discoveries about ourselves and ways of managing our symptoms. I think we can all see ourselves in each other and when we share overcomings we are encouraged to keep going. We learn from one another as much as we support one another.

It is all good in my mind.

I had a really really peaceful and beneficial (see how I avoided the word 'good' lo) sit last night. It felt nice to assume the position and really focus on my breath. To listen intently to every second of its in and outs. To breath in until I couldn't take in any more, rest there for a second or two and then exhale until there was no more breath to release and then being breathless for a few seconds before inhalling again. I stayed with it until there was no choppiness left to my breathing. It went a full 15 minutes that just seemed to fly by. When distracting images came in I acknowledged I was thinking and just said 'hi... bye' and got back to my breath.

Unfortunately I woke up this morning feeling really anxious. I think I know why but what does that really matter. What matters is that I need to restore some balance. To let go of the stressor and move forward one step at a time to the place where I can be present in my own life this minute.

I just stopped by before I head out for a walk to regroup.

I wanted to share something I was thinking about earlier.... but now I have forgot what it was. It was quite insightful. I remember thinking that but for the life of me I can't remember what it was even about. My short term memory is becoming more and more non existant.

I will see if it comes to me again when I am less anxious.

Blessings to you all. I am so so grateful for the support you give to me and the opportunity to return the gift as best I can. The river is calling my name. Catch up with you all later.

I love the term spiritual warrior! This post is really beautifully written and I can relate to so much of it. I am also terrified of certain unpleasant feelings and I freeze up around them. I also dwell excessively on the negative and my mind is particularly open to anything which suggests anxiety or sadness.

I love what you say here about needing to call up greater willingness to make the effort accept what shows up.......... I need to do this too.

I'm sorry today is a painful anniversary for you (((((((((lavie)))))))))) Wishing you peace

PS: As ss says, please don't apologize for venting!!!!

So glad you had a good sit and a restorative sleep last night (((((((((((ss))))))))))) But sorry you awoke feeling anxious. I hope the anxiety dissipates throughout the day

I am not doing well today emotionally or physically. I feel really low. I had therapy yesterday and I ended up crying about something. I rarely cry. Even though I often feel sad. At the time it felt liberating and as though I was letting go of something that needed to be released. Today I wonder if it hasn't just taken me needlessly down a path of sorrows. I feel heavy-hearted and lost. Sometimes it can be better to let sleeping dogs lie.

I probably shouldn't write too much while I'm feeling so down. I feel so disappointed because I don't see any improvement in myself. I've been taking these homeopathic and herbal remedies for almost 2 weeks now. The appointment with the homeopath was very expensive. I'm going to see her again on Friday. But now I'm back to doubting everything and I worry that I'm just wasting money. I don't mind paying for this if it helps me, but I don't feel any better. At first I did. But now I think that was just because I felt hopeful. Honestly, I don't think anything has changed. Well, that's not true, my headaches have been better. So that really is something positive and I mustn't discount that. But nothing else feels better. I feel fatigued and depressed and the anxiety is very much still present, albeit more in the background.

I feel hopeless, which is one of the worst feelings for me. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but voices are screaming in my head that all the evidence points towards the fact that I'm unfixable and that this is as good as it's going to get. Only it isn't good at all.

I'm still not meditating enough. It was only about 5 minutes last night before bed, and about the same this morning. Last night I was really tired so I cut the meditation short. This morning I was a bit rushed.

I'm definitely going to persevere with the meditation. I am very drawn to it, and I'm very drawn also to the underlying philosophies and I love the quotes of Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh and others. There is a part of me that really connects with this on an emotional and spiritual level. But I do need to practice longer sits. So that is my goal!!

Thanks for letting me get this out. And for listening. And for your support. I really appreciate it

Love to all

I just wrote a post and got "timed out", reply lost. Aarrrghh. Thanks for your responses to my posts. I'm sorry for the anxiety you've had, SS, and the sadness and hopeless feelings you've had, Sundog. I get a placebo effect at first, trying something new, and then, crash. Formal meditation hasn't been happening lately, but listening to a teacher talk on MP3, it quieted me enough to be conscious of each in- and out-breath and the place in between.