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Mar 05, 2011, 01:20 AM
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Member Since: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,363
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sundog
At the root of all my fears and anxieties is a fundamental lack of faith in myself. It's also why I spend so much time seeking answers externally. Because I literally don't believe that I "have it in me". And yet, I am well aware that within me is the ONLY place the answer can ever lie.......
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Very insightful Sun. So true. It speaks to the heart of so much as to why we often spin in place trying to get a glimpse of something outside of ourselves to fix us. Well said Sun.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sundog
And your own recovery is such a striking example of that. At the end of the day, you now know that you are strong enough to handle "it", whatever "it" may be. Adversity, pain, suffering.....Life. You can handle it. And I believe that once you know you can handle it, THAT is what disarms fear. And that is what I'm lacking. The belief that I can handle it.
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I feel pretty lacking today myself Sun. It is good to hear you say back to me the evidence of growth and the evidence of my capacity to 'handle it'. It is easy to forget how far along on the journey one is when circumstances and limitations cause you to think no real gains have been achieve. When even with the gains they seem insignificant because the pit is still their trying to suck me it. Even with the arsenal of coping skills I still have so many hurdle to jump to sustain any real peace and I get so weary of handling things. The temptation to give up handling things is so present all the time.... some days I really would just like to go back to huddling in the corner and give up the work.
It is more difficult to keep the faith when I get too tired to change the warped assessments ready to seize the moment, to activate the trickster in my head and take advantage of the crack in the armour.
I am so weary today... but you are right I am ahead of where I was and that is a good thing. I thank you for pulling my gains forward for me to acknowledge for myself again. I need to be more grateful and be content with where I am, appreciative of how far I have come and no matter what to keep alive the faith that I WILL arrive at my destination in time, in the perfect time already determined. Otherwise I know I will not be allowed to move past this place. I need to be willing to receive the lesson and not grumble so much.
There are no short cuts. I know that. And as disappointing as that might be sometimes I needs to be mature enough to quit undermining the journey and get on with running the full circle. I know I am especially weary today. In the spirit of wellness I am consciously accepted that to be true so that I can better resist the escalation of negativity, the sense of hopeless and self pity that is dogging at me. Once again meditating and mindlessness have come to my rescue to help me stop wishing what is was something else. Acknowledgement of my resistance to choosing wellness puts a truer light on reality. Turning to my spiritual understanding to let go and feel the embrace of the spirits that will guide me.
I am not in a very good place right now. I think I said that already lol.....Though the circumstance were different the events of the day have taken a toll on me again like yesterday. I am soooo sooooo weary of the constant tug and pull. I just want one day of peace uninterrupted. I want a rest from coping no matter how increasingly effective. I want a rest from needing to ask for help from the spirit world to hold me up. I am tired of the the attack and counter-attack game. I want it to end or at least call a time out for a while. And of course when this kind of angry, defeated thinking is give room to grow I have no recollection of the days when in fact I did enjoy relative calm. The weariness can pull down all my defences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sundog
Not that you never feel afraid again. But you no longer have this awful self-doubt that eats away at you constantly and which keeps you on a state of high alert as you await the next emotional emergency, fearing it will be the one that pushes you over the edge because you have no faith that you can handle it.
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I wish that were true. I understand why you see that but while it is true in terms of constancy I can still get caught up feeling all of those things you describe.
I don't mean to undervalue the growth you see and the growth I know is real. I do acknowledge how much my hard work has and continues to pay off but I still know all to well the view from the edge of the pit.
Still I do remain optimistic when my brain is clear of the trickster. I am glad I can come here where I am not alone and where I can take in the love and hope and promise and sit in that beauty.
Speaking of 'sit' it is time for me to stop this pity party and give it over and let it go. Tomorrow is a sleep in day and the sun will come up again.
Blessing to all of you for allowing me to ramble without reservation, fear or shame. Love you guys. Be well.
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