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SpiritRunner · Mar 19, 2011, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpd2

My T has banned ever touching. I think I shook his hand after we first met, when he did an eval. Once he became my individual therapist--prompted by my need to have an individual therapist because it is a DBT requirement, it came up quickly, because I had seen him hug another patient upon leaving, and I often see him shaker their hand, or put a hand on their shoulder in encouragement. So, his no-touching policy hurts. When I asked for a hug, long ago, he said, "You, more than anyone, should know where hugging leads." It's definitely because I have borderline personality disorder as well as being bipolar, but it felt to me like it immediatly sexualized touching! Maybe he's right, but it makes me really, really sad. Oh, and not long ago, I put out my hand to shake his, in thanks, and he looked at it for a moment, and I was so ashamed that I had asked. So, nope, no hugs, not ever, even after four years.

not even a handshake, that is sad. why does my T think she couldn't even do this for me, either, ever again?! how does this really help me get past my issues of shame, trust, fear of emotional AND physical intimacy?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpd2

Thank you, very, very much. I am certain his rule has to do with absolute boundaries. Maybe I could talk to him about touching as an actual sign of respect and gratitude, that such formality actually seems disrespectful to me. Does this make sense to anyone?

I like this, touching as a sign of respect.....and a sign and symbol of the connection, the mutual respect and trust that needs to be between T and client.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by SenatorPenguin8081

Banned touching? Like what, all touch is sick or something? Weird. Even I, who have anxiety about touching my T, see a problem with this. That sounds rather black and white and I would think it has more to do with a problem your T has rather than a problem he has with you.

Do you think it is because of the Borderline Personality Disorder/ Bipolar thing that he won't hug you or touch you, or is it something in your personal history? I agree that I too, would feel as though he didn't trust me to control myself (unless of course, he has problems with controlling HIMSELF).

I mean come on! The handshake thing is what really doesn't make sense. Does he think everything is a slippery slope or something? Have you confronted him about the handshake yet and how it makes you feel? Because that MIGHT make me feel like I was bad or something if my T did that to me (even though I don't want hugs or physical contact between my T and I).

What is DBT?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpd2

Hi Penguin--it gets laid at the feet of the borderline stuff. The handshake thing is what really kills me, too. It's like I don't even get to practice being normal...yes, I felt like T was modeling safe touch in relationships for me, safe boundaries with safe touch. And it was good for me.....

One time he moved from his chair to a footstool to lean forward to do a demonstration with a glass of water on the coffeetable (about having so much put into my glass that I just can't take anymore), and it was an upsetting moment. When he moved away again, I asked if he could sit back there again, closer. He said "sure!" talked for a few minutes--like 5--then moved away again.

Proximity is loaded now. I hate it. It's safest just to stay away, try to find the most neutral location and demeanor that I can. And that just sounds f..ked for a therapy relationship, doesn't it. As I've been writing about it here, I see that it has become a bigger and bigger problem over time. It should have gone away by now. I guess I should start by asking him why it hasn't...

I feel like not sitting close to her when I go to session Tues....it feels like it would be safer to sit further away. I thought I had moved closer to her.....yet now I feel she has moved away from me in a way, and it makes me feel like some physical distance too would be better for a while as well. Sitting too close at this time might be more hurtful than helpful, I don't know....

Quote:

Originally Posted by SenatorPenguin8081

bpd--I don't know that much about Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder to really determine if your T's behavior is "therapeutic" or not, but I do know that caution can be taken to an extreme by anybody (T's are not immune). I think it has to do with the Borderline PD thing though. I was reading a little about it and DBT because I'm not that familiar with it. I would be really upset at that type of therapy though whether I had personality disorder issues or not (and I don't that I know of but I am now horrified of being labeled as such!).

Do you like it when he sits close then? Sometimes I sit close to my T and sometimes not. Sometimes I just get tired of the same old spot on the couch or sometimes I want a more personal, "intimate" (if you will) proximity for the topic at hand and I move in closer (again, with no desire to touch in any way). Other times I'm petrified and move further away. However, if I felt that my T was moving AWAY FROM ME, I would then feel a little uncomfortable and I might even begin to question his concern and ability to help me.

yes, I have felt her moving AWAY from me for several weeks, actually....and it hurts, and this no-touch decision makes it hurt worse....

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpd2

Thanks, SenatorPenguin--I do the proximity thing with the couch too. But I think it should be me who's doing that stuff, too, not him....Usually, I like it that his chair is pretty far away. That one time is the only time he's come closer to sit. Other times he's been close it's been to reach for something, and too often I've flinched away due to the emotional space. I was reading a description of borderline at a transference therapy site (a therapy that is often helpful for borderlines), and it said that borderlines have emotional reactions in relationships due to deeply ingrained childhood connections among type of incident, emotional reaction, and sense of self. yes..... I haven't talked to him about that paradigm--just learned about it in that way. I wonder if that's what's going on...even if only intuitively--that is, that he acts as he does because he is more aware than I of what I "do" with any one moment. I hate that if it's true....I hate not being a fool about what is really happening, not what I think is happening. That's part of what therapy is for, though. But, good grief, I don't even know what he's thinking! Another reason to talk to him about it, not just feel as I do!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpd2

Treehouse--I will never forget what he said and how toxic it made me feel--and it immediatly sexualized any touching, I think. I don't feel smart about this at all, just confused and hurt...and afraid.

Yup.....afraid is how I feel....
looking back through old threads to find support/help for my current situation and came across this.....OMG, now I can relate SO thoroughly to these quotes! Like the above quotes, I feel like mainly my T's decision is related to the borderline tendencies I have.....and the message it leaves is sort of as though I were toxic or that it might be toxic to me actually to keep hugging me. When actually it is seeming more toxic to me to send me the message that it isn't safe for me to have touch in therapy, from her, that it isn't good for me to have this emotional need met in a safe way in a safe place......and it definitely feels toxic to have had permission to ask for what I need, to have had the need met, and then to have it revoked.
Granted, there is the fact of my sexuality and my confusion about my feelings toward her, but given that her hugs were emotionally grounding and not sexual to me at all, I don't understand at the moment why that, or I, was all so wrong that ALL touch had to be revoked forever.....why forever?!
Sorry, I am still trying hard to work through, accept it, but I think in some ways I am wanting to feel that my pain and my doubtful feelings about the rightness of her decision are worthy of validation.....not really bitter or angry, but struggling, yes, struggling very much. Confused and afraid.....

Sorry that I am dwelling a lot on this and not being the support I ought to be.....I promise, I will get back to being a better supporter and less of a whiner.