on hugging your therapist

I've hugged group therapists before and worked on it with them (shook hands at first :-) but not my regular Ts. I think it depends on both people, whether the T feels like a huggable sort of person to you or not?

My daughter-in-law always hugs when she sees you and is a very warm person and I have no trouble hugging her. But I learned to touch/hug by giving my stepmother a backrub when she was old and ill. It brought back a lot of memories and feelings from when I was a child and she'd rub my back and "healed" a lot of stuff from inbetween, kind of connected me back to that child I was.

If I were to do it all again (before my giving my stepmother a backrub) I would maybe talk with T about what I want in a hug; it's not an easy conversation, almost up there with how you feel about moving in with T and living with her :-) but probably helpful connecting what touch means for one and where it's been "warped" or how you've been hurt/rejected/rejecting, etc. Touch is a very important thing and I think can open up other healing pathways in our head and heart.

"Now, three years and hundreds of therapy hours later, I feel differently, but only because T has shown me over time that he has excellent boundaries, and that touch can be safe. I think before therapy, I thought touch was either sexual or something that would hurt me (other than hugs with my kids, of course). It's been really really healing to find out that touch can just be about comfort and connection and caring and that's it."

Tree -- THAT is one of the MOST POWERFUL insights about this topic I have ever read! That is IT exactly!!!!! Thank you for sharing this POV !!

This thread has been really interesting to me. Thanks, seventyeight. My former T hugged me at our final session, though a side twist to that is that later on we hugged twice in RL because our paths cross at various times. It felt okay, kind of a let-down to what I'd fantasized.

My new T will allow hugs and I will let you know how it feels when it happens. The hand-holding with her felt wonderfully healing and safe the first 2 sessions we did it. This week it still felt safe but not as healing. Touch and what it means to me is something I need to explore and this T is giving me the opportunity to do it "hands-on". Sorry, I couldn't help that pun!

That sounds really nice to have that option, if you want it or need it one day. It sounds very low pressure with no expectations.

1) do you hug your therapist?
Yes. We hug sometimes at the end of sessions, but we didn't do that until we knew each other really well. When we don't hug, I don't miss it. It is not an expectation I have--just something really nice and comforting when the time is right. If we had never hugged, we would still be very close--my T is very good about "holding" me in session without any touching.

2) what's it like?
T often (but not always) asks if we can hug before we do it. I think he is being very respectful and not wanting to assume too much. I also read somewhere that legally, it can be considered "assault" if a healthcare provider or worker (not just therapists) touches without asking first, so it could also be he was trained to help prevent liability by asking for permission first. We often hug after a really trying session where I have become upset. Or one in which we have felt particularly close or a bit joyful to be with each other again (like after a long break). It is really important to me that I don't have to ask him for a hug. That would not work for me. I have just come out of a marriage where my XH was very withholding of affection. He would never touch me unless I initiated it or asked for it. It made me feel rejected and unwanted. I would not want to have that same pattern with T--it would just make me feel bad.

3) how was it the first time?
It was wonderful.

4) how is it now?
It still feels good, but is more relaxed, and not as big a deal. Sometimes T hugs me around the shoulders, like an encouraging squeeze as we walk toward the door together. But often we do a chest to chest hug. He is tall and I feel very safe when pressed up against him, as if he can protect me. Overall, it just feels very very natural, like of course we would hug because we are so close.

************POSSIBLE TRIGGER***************



t never hugs, i don't know if it is just me or what, but i do sit as far away as possible.. i would be worried that if t did hug me, what happens when one week I want a hug and he says no because of something wrong i did, I would rather go without than be rejected when i did need one and he refused. I think he has offered to hold my hand, and once he did come and sit next to me, i about freaked...
the other weird thing is he is short, and i am tall I think a hug would be very awkward.. because his head would be right where my boobies are!!!!! sorry if this is triggering for anyone

just wanted to follow up on this thread that i had started a while back, and to let y'all know that.. (drumroll please) my therapist and i hugged! it was absolutely wonderful!! way better than i ever would have expected.. it's was warm and comforting and safe and loving and most importantly - incredibly healing. it really reached me at this core level, and seemed to heal (in a way that words can't) a lot of my hurts and insecurities. we hug every time i leave now, and all i can think is, "why didn't we do this sooner?!" in fact, when we first hugged, i actually said, "wow, that was so nice.. what took us so long?!" and she said, "yeah, i know!!"

so anyway, just wanted to encourage any of you that are thinking about it.. ask your therapist if it's ok and then go for it!

Way 2 kwel !!!
Yeah! It is so nice when a T can offer that to a client.
And I am so happy you are getting what you need for the core self to start to heal.
It really is nice, isn't it? :-)

My T yesterday was extra sure to tell me he could give me a hug because he couldn't give me one Friday since he was sick. It was almost like he was glad he could give me one again. He knows how much I respect that hug. I am so so happy for you!

I'm so glad you and T hugged and it felt so healing for you! It's nice that it was a mutual decision that it was so nice, too!

Weird, but T and I hugged last session for the first time but I didn't feel anything. I was holding back in the session, I think, since all my feelings came out after she left. But, I know that healing feeling--that sounds like a good song title: "I've got that healing feeling" because I felt it when I first held hands with my T. I think it was that core level you're talking about, hard to explain but you know it when you feel it.

I get so much anxiety even thinking about physical contact from my T. I don't mind physical contact from people in general-- girls, guys, whatever, but thinking about physical contact (more than a handshake) from my T REALLY scares the hell out of me!

Holding hands?? EEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
I could never do that! Is your T the same gender as you? If he wasn't, would it bother you? I don't care if my T is a guy or a girl, I could NEVER hold hands with him!

I can't believe how much this triggers me for some reason! Wow something I need to talk about with my T.

My t is not a big hugger, but I'm not really either. Though we have hugged, I don't feel a real desire to do so on any regular basis.

My T has banned ever touching. I think I shook his hand after we first met, when he did an eval. Once he became my individual therapist--prompted by my need to have an individual therapist because it is a DBT requirement, it came up quickly, because I had seen him hug another patient upon leaving, and I often see him shaker their hand, or put a hand on their shoulder in encouragement. So, his no-touching policy hurts. When I asked for a hug, long ago, he said, "You, more than anyone, should know where hugging leads." It's definitely because I have borderline personality disorder as well as being bipolar, but it felt to me like it immediatly sexualized touching! Maybe he's right, but it makes me really, really sad. Oh, and not long ago, I put out my hand to shake his, in thanks, and he looked at it for a moment, and I was so ashamed that I had asked. So, nope, no hugs, not ever, even after four years.

((78)) Thanks a bunch for updating us. I hope to get the courage to ask my T. If I do I'll let you know.

OH MY GOSH!!! I am f*cking outraged at this for you BPD2! Your therapist could use a little DBT himself. Where is the dialectic in that? I would seriously think about firing him. He shamed you all over again for something you did not do. I am wondering if he is under supervision or has a peer consultation. You are a bigger person than I for being able to continue therapy with this t. I am thoroughly sorry that you had this experience BPD2, you did not deserve to be treated this way. Hugs to you.

Thank you, very, very much. I am certain his rule has to do with absolute boundaries. Maybe I could talk to him about touching as an actual sign of respect and gratitude, that such formality actually seems disrespectful to me. Does this make sense to anyone?

((bpd)) respect and gratitude sounds good to me. I don't see how a T wouldn't permit that reasoning behind a hug.

I am grateful that this thread has led to the idea that this statement--that at least a handshake connotes respect and gratitude. Because I think that is where I will start the question/discussion.
Thank you all!

hugging T....omg...no way! He patted me on the back a couple of times on my way out and I freaked. Once he tried to shake my hand and that freaked me out too!

It's wicked funny, because I am a hugger...with people I care about. I have a pastor that is kind of like a side counselor to me. Not therapy, definitely only counseling. He knows my struggles and such...and we hug tightly every Sunday, but it's a brotherly type of hug...I have 4 bros. and it's the same...a sweet :love-you-tons: type of hug. I don't think I could ever have that kind of thing with T though.

Eliza Jane, back when I was in therapy I had a male therapist. There times I would ask him for a hug at the end of a session. It was healing for me. Most of the men in life up to that point had been abusive. It helped me to learn that not all men were abusers.

bpd2, I would definitely talk to him about how you feel. Therapists certainly have the right to set boundaries on touch with clients, but they also need to be mindful of what they communicate to the client. Talking to him about how you feel could open the door to some really good therapy.

OUCH!!!!

My therapist only hugs me if he asks permission on my part. I don't believe he hugs all his clients, as I know all of them. (and they all know each other). But probably a few, whom struggle with wanting touch. Neither time was very enjoyable. I won't lie. But I tried it, with someone whom I consider somewhat safe.

There was a period in time where I had a Pdoc whom came from a culture that was very tactile. I was the same age as his daughters (when most of the clients were much older). And he would say things like "when you sit here in front of me, so sick, I see my daughters". So he would always put his hand on my back or shoulder and rub them and I felt so unsafe with that man. I would make my therapist attend appts with me. Then he fell ill and stopped practicing.

My new Pdoc at the end of our sessions, he'll put his hand out to shake mine, I stare at it for a couple seconds and I am well aware he's doing it to build trust.

Thank goodness! I thought I was the only one here who gets freaked out by the thought of my T hugging me! I've shook his hand once or twice, and that was okay albeit a little weird, but the thought of a hug REALLY makes me anxious!

Is your T the same sex as you? Does that matter? I'm trying to figure out if the reason I don't want to is because my T and I are both males, or if I would be open to hugging a female T more. I don't think I would hug a female T either, but I see female T's as more "motherly" or whatever and therefore I would see it differently for some reason, even though I highly doubt I would see it as integral to my therapy like most people in here seem to feel.

If I want a hug, I get one from a friend or family member usually. I just don't think I want to go that route with my T as I don't feel a hug necessarily represents caring in all cases. He shows me in other ways that are tangible and real, not just by hugging. Believe it or not, I think hugs can be rather artificial too. I've been hugged by plenty of people who couldn't care less about me, which is probably why I don't equate them as necessary to show caring.

Banned touching? Like what, all touch is sick or something? Weird. Even I, who have anxiety about touching my T, see a problem with this. That sounds rather black and white and I would think it has more to do with a problem your T has rather than a problem he has with you.

Do you think it is because of the Borderline Personality Disorder/ Bipolar thing that he won't hug you or touch you, or is it something in your personal history? I agree that I too, would feel as though he didn't trust me to control myself (unless of course, he has problems with controlling HIMSELF).

I mean come on! The handshake thing is what really doesn't make sense. Does he think everything is a slippery slope or something? Have you confronted him about the handshake yet and how it makes you feel? Because that MIGHT make me feel like I was bad or something if my T did that to me (even though I don't want hugs or physical contact between my T and I).

What is DBT?

Hi Penguin--it gets laid at the feet of the borderline stuff. The handshake thing is what really kills me, too. It's like I don't even get to practice being normal...

One time he moved from his chair to a footstool to lean forward to do a demonstration with a glass of water on the coffeetable (about having so much put into my glass that I just can't take anymore), and it was an upsetting moment. When he moved away again, I asked if he could sit back there again, closer. He said "sure!" talked for a few minutes--like 5--then moved away again.

Proximity is loaded now. I hate it. It's safest just to stay away, try to find the most neutral location and demeanor that I can. And that just sounds f..ked for a therapy relationship, doesn't it. As I've been writing about it here, I see that it has become a bigger and bigger problem over time. It should have gone away by now. I guess I should start by asking him why it hasn't...