it's been so stressful, for so long. Everything. School and moving and getting used to having the kids again. Their dad not paying child support which has lead to me not being able to pay my bills. I still haven't even paid my rent for March yet. The kids having behavior problems and them testing my limits in the way that kids, especially teenagers, do. Too many days of not having food to put on the table. Having car trouble so even just going to the grocery story or the pharmacy for my meds is a huge ordeal. Dealing with public transport, even though doing so is a huge trigger for me. Not being able to get to T, and therefore not processing the huge things going on in my life. Trying to connect with T on the phone and via text and via email, and ending up feeling worse for not having the connection there when I need it.

It's all too much. I'm doing and saying things that I would not normally do or say. I turned off my alarms last night and let us all sleep in today, even though the kids have 2 more days of school before spring break.

I have spent more and more time in my room, in my bed. Today I was here most of the day. I literally pulled up the covers over my head a couple of times when the constant fighting of 3 kids got to be too much. I can't stop crying. I can't do ANYTHING but cry and think and do things that make it all so much worse. It's like all I CAN do is push this crisis past it's tipping point, and I'm so tired of waiting for the break to happen, I just want it done. I am so tired. I think part of me wants to complete this unravelling so I can just rest. Fighting it is exhausting and it's not working anyway, just prolonging the agony.

March is the worse month for me. March is when I have been sui, more than any other month. March is when bad things happen to me, always has been. March is my birthday, and I hate it. Have always hated it. My last 2 overdoses were in March, the last 2 Marches, actually. This month just seems to be a hurdle I cannot pass.

PS As I wrote this post, I got an email from my T encouraging me to hang and not to give up. She is trying so hard to help me.