this is how a breakdown happens

it's been so stressful, for so long. Everything. School and moving and getting used to having the kids again. Their dad not paying child support which has lead to me not being able to pay my bills. I still haven't even paid my rent for March yet. The kids having behavior problems and them testing my limits in the way that kids, especially teenagers, do. Too many days of not having food to put on the table. Having car trouble so even just going to the grocery story or the pharmacy for my meds is a huge ordeal. Dealing with public transport, even though doing so is a huge trigger for me. Not being able to get to T, and therefore not processing the huge things going on in my life. Trying to connect with T on the phone and via text and via email, and ending up feeling worse for not having the connection there when I need it.

It's all too much. I'm doing and saying things that I would not normally do or say. I turned off my alarms last night and let us all sleep in today, even though the kids have 2 more days of school before spring break.

I have spent more and more time in my room, in my bed. Today I was here most of the day. I literally pulled up the covers over my head a couple of times when the constant fighting of 3 kids got to be too much. I can't stop crying. I can't do ANYTHING but cry and think and do things that make it all so much worse. It's like all I CAN do is push this crisis past it's tipping point, and I'm so tired of waiting for the break to happen, I just want it done. I am so tired. I think part of me wants to complete this unravelling so I can just rest. Fighting it is exhausting and it's not working anyway, just prolonging the agony.

March is the worse month for me. March is when I have been sui, more than any other month. March is when bad things happen to me, always has been. March is my birthday, and I hate it. Have always hated it. My last 2 overdoses were in March, the last 2 Marches, actually. This month just seems to be a hurdle I cannot pass.

PS As I wrote this post, I got an email from my T encouraging me to hang and not to give up. She is trying so hard to help me.

Zoo.... in the small hours of the night, I will pray for you. You're not alone.

things sound so hard .i dont have any answers zoo but i have been thinkking about you.sending big hugs

Zoo - your life DOES sound very very difficult. I don't know how many of us would be able to cope with those stresses well.

You are reaching out now for help and your T is there to help you. Use her as much as possible. I'm sure she has many wonderful suggestions on how to keep on keeping on.

Don't give up. I know that sometimes when it's the darkest, it's just before the light.

Use the skills your T has already given you to cope. Try to remember what those are. Share them with us on T and we'll encourage you to follow those coping mechanisms.

Keep talking with us.

((((((((((((((ZOO)))))))))))))))

I have been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing

Things sound so horribly overwhelming and hard right now. I am so sorry. I was just thinking today about earlier in therapy, when therapy was the only time there was any QUIET in my life, because my three boys are always here - and at the time, they were just so young and fighty and loud. I SO needed those two hours a week. I know how overwhelming just the lack of space and quiet and calm can be. For me, it's almost like being sleep deprived...it makes it harder to cope with any other stressors that come up. And then on top of the noise and the people and the teenagers (!), there are the money issues, the car trouble, everything else...I think ANYONE would want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over their head.

I wish I knew just what to say to make it better. I ended up going to a family counselor and talking to her and she did give me some suggestions that helped. I know you said at one point you were working on getting counseling for the kids...I wonder if that will turn things around at all??

And anniversary months are the worst. It took me a long time to learn to navigate October, and it's still a struggle. I'm sorry this is all coming up NOW.

For me, when I'm in that awful, overwhelmed place, I have to find a way to believe that grace will find it's way to me...that there will be one microscopic shift that will lead to another tiny change and another one and that the path will get clearer and bigger and easier to find. Little shifts start to add up, even though they seem so small and insignificant.

Be gentle with you. You feel overwhelmed because you are in an overwhelming situation. It won't be like this forever. Breathe, let T help you, and accept any other help you can get. You can get through this.

(((zoo))) I am thinking of you and your kids too. I hope your ex steps up to the plate and meets his family and finanicial obligations. Finances alone are so much stress, and in additon to that you have the new living arrangement, and not being able to get to T for support and help too. I can understand wanting rest, wanting a repreive from all of this. Is there some finanical assistance available that could help?

((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this time is so hard for you.

(((((zoo))))) I am thinking of you too! I am glad T is there for you and helping you cope with this huge load of stuff on your plate. Just believe that you ARE strong enough and you will make it through this, day by day.....

(((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

I wish I could say something to make everything better but I know I can't. I am so deeply sorry for how things are going right now, life has a funny way of working sometimes. Just know that it won't be this bad forever

Ugh that sounds so hard!! Hang in there (((Zooropa)))

so, tonight I got an eviction notice. Then my phone got shut off. I don't even KNOW. I had a little while there when I was done. DONE DONE DONE. But I thought of leaving my kids with just their dad. I can't do that to them.

I also came very, very close to SI. I called my T but she didn't call me back and I had a feeling she wouldn't until morning (this was shortly before 9pm, and when I called her at that time last night she didn't answer but called this morning and said she was asleep at 9.) So then I really spiraled out, because I needed to talk to her about SI. I thought about sending her a 911 text, but then I was too tired to move and I fell asleep for an hour or so. When I woke up, I didn't feel like SI any more.

Anyway. That was my night. Thank you all for your messages and for being here. I need to surround myself with people right now, I can't get through this on my own.

Anyone one would be overwhelmed in these circumstances. Hang in there and I'm sorry this is all happening to you. Sending the cyber-cavalry to give you some strength and rest...

Zoo - I know that an eviction notice cannot throw you out immediately. The courts take weeks and weeks usually to process that so you will have time to regroup and find your way.

Resist resist resist SI. Even though your children are problematic for you, they still need you and you have a huge influence on them. Somehow, dig deep and find the strength to be there for them. Try to remember them as babies that need your care and tenderness. And see yourself in the same light. YOU need care and tenderness. The outside problems (housing, etc.) will be resolved. You must have access to social services where you live. Get practical help also. You can do it!!!!!

Zoo,

can you contact Catholic Charities or some cooperative ministry or similar organization? There are programs that can help you get through problems with utility bills or rent, at least it could give you some breathing space. Their services are offered to anyone in need. And if you belong to a church, have you told yr pastor that you are needing help?

also... if yr husband is legally obliged to pay child support, and isn't paying it, he can be made to do so.

((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))

Look at you....in the midst of all of this hardness, you are doing some amazing things. You are thinking about the consequences of your behavior (leaving kids alone with H). You are reaching out for help, to T and to PC. To me, those are two big, positive things that show how far you have come, and that's incredible...to be in the middle of what must feel like one of the most overwhelming times in your life and to be able to use healthier coping skills. No matter how dark it feels you are finding a way to keep reaching for the light. That is grace.

It seems like your T might have a list of resources - or access to one - for people who are going through just what you are going through. Reach out to her today, and ask. You don't have to figure this out on your own.

Hang in there, zoo. You can do this.

((((zoo)))) You are juggling so many balls at one time, make sure you take care of yourself! We care about you, no limits on posting so keep talking.
I hope it doesn't get to this but:
please don't wait until you are "done" to call crisis, don't wait for the breakdown and the attempt to happen. Call 911 or suicide hotline before that...ok?

I am so sorry for this stuff that keeps happening! Like Suratji said, they can't kick you out right away and also there are programs, resources, that can assist you with bills too, as mentioned. So there are practical ways to help you handle this.

As far as emotional ways, like tree said, you have done an awesome job reaching out, to T and to us here, and that is good coping! You didn't SI either, though I understand why the impulse would be strong right now, and I know I am proud of you for that! You CAN cope, you are coping, and we will be here to help in the ways that we can, just supporting you in good coping skills, encouraging you, believing in you! And giving lots of safe hugs and genuine care ......

((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))))))

Wish I had a way to make it all better for you!!!! uggggs!!! Sending you TONS of hugs!

today was my birthday, and while it wasn't the happiest day of my life, it was better than most of my birthdays have been. I am mindful of the fact that my worst days are nearly perfect compared to my best days a couple of years ago.

I did contact an agency to help me pay my rent, and talked to my landlord. The reason I am behind on all my bills is because my ex hasn't paid child support, and yes he is court ordered to do so, and yes the state is now deducting it directly from his paycheck. So once the money actually finds its way to me, we should be fine. At least we will have a roof over our heads.

I talked to my T today, a couple of times. I texted with her several times throughout the day, and email too. Tonight I sent her a text saying "I need you to tell me you aren't pushing me away. I feel a little panicky. You're going to be there, right? I mean, just...if I need you?"
She wrote back and said: "I'm not pushing you away. I'm here."

It made me cry but it also gave me room to breathe. I took such a deep breath when I read that. I'm not alone. I think I'm going to be okay.

((((((Zoo))))))

(((zoo))) Happy Birthday!!

I am in awe of your strength, courage, perseverence, ability to reach out for help and to connect, ability to self care, and optimism.

glad to hear things are looking a little better and you will get some help with your rent.believe it or not my son is19 and living on his awn and i still collect back child support from him.it just gets taken out of his check otherwise he wouldnt pay.i find it so sad when parents just dont step up to care for the childern even if it is finantially.they should be happy to have youhappy birthday

Happy birthday! I hope, sincerely hope, it's a happier day for you today....

(((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))))

Happy Birthday to you!

It sounds like you got grace and hope for your birthday....two perfect gifts that you absolutely deserve.

I love you!

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))