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Originally Posted by sunrise
Peaches, I think these are really good questions you have posed to your T. The first one shows you realize email isn't working and are proactively seeking another solution. I think a T would be impressed with this from a client. You are actively problem-solving and seeking her assistance in a non-judgmental way. I hope you will have a good discussion around this at your next session and together find a solution.
This is an interesting comment from her. To me, it could mean a couple of different things. It might mean that she doesn't like your feeling of being vulnerable. It makes her uncomfortable to have a client be so vulnerable with her. This would help explain why she seems to be trying to increase the distance between you with her emails. Or it could mean she is feeling that she is too attached to you and that makes her feel vulnerable. Maybe your requests for reassurance, etc., make her feel bad because she cares so much about you, and thinks maybe she shouldn't have fostered your deep attachment to her, because she sees it is hurting you now. Do you think you might ask her what she meant by her comment? It might give you both a lot of information about your relationship.
That would "solve" the problem of your being hurt by her emails, but it wouldn't solve the problem of your feelings of being disconnected. So I hope, whether you abandon emailing or not, you will still brainstorm with her on different ways you can keep the connection going when she is away. It seems clear you need something. I don't think keeping busy helps one feel connected, it just helps us not think about it (which is a coping skill and certainly has value). I wonder if when your T keeps suggesting in her emails that you use coping skills, she is trying to turn you away from the goal of feeling connected in her absence? Maybe she doesn't consider that to be necessary or important? Do therapists in general consider that important? Maybe to them it's enough if the client is connected in session, and outside of session, it is not cause for concern?
Good luck, peaches.  |
Hi Sunrise,
I'm kind of afraid to ask her what she meant when she said "I don't particularly like feeling vulnerable either." I'm pretty sure she didn't mean that she was uncomfortable with my vulnerability. I interpreted it to mean that she was talking about not liking to feel vulnerable herself. But I didn't really understand how my telling her how i feel about her (the attachment) in my emails would make
her feel vulnerable??? Maybe she is trying not to feel too attached to me in return. Or, like you said, maybe her feeling vulnerable means that she feels responsible somehow for how attached I've become to her. I guess unless i ask what she meant, i won't know. But I'm scared to ask. It has been several weeks ago since she said it, so I don't know if she would even remember it now.
After talking to her on my session Wednesday, I am pretty sure that she is not discouraging my feelings of attachment, even though i always think she is doing this. (She feels like I'm the one who keeps disengaging, because of how attachment triggers my abandonment issues. So she wonders if i am withdrawing and then projecting it on her, as though she is the one who is distancing). This has happened several times between us over the years we've worked together. I start to feel attached and cared about, but then i get afraid, and the next thing i know, i notice my t is distancing from me, so i get to feeling pushed away. But it turns out that my t was not distancing to start with. So maybe it really is me who keeps finding reasons to get upset and think she is abandoning me, because it is just too scary for me to feel attached and good with her. I really need to figure out if this is what i am doing. . .without realizing it consciously?
In my session Wednesday, she asked me how we could make the sessions feel more connected, so that i don't feel that separation pain between sessions. I think maybe all i am needing is a reassuring reminder about the connection before i leave her office. She said i could tell her when i need to hear this reassurance.
My t says the coping skills are not a replacement for the therapy relationship, but they can help me cope with the separation feelings. So i need to use them more between sessions to manage the anxiety i get because it is not based on any real abandonment that is taking place. I think it is all in my head!
