This is not about existence
This is not about aspergers
This is not about self-esteem
and this is not about the world, or other people, or social skills...

but it is about all those things, in part. Because all those things make up this part of the planet that I inhabit.

People go, people stay and people love and people hate and somehow I am supposed to believe that I am part of that same mechanism that all human beings interact and live through. That I am supposed to look upon my fellow man and "identify" with their humanity. That I am supposed to "know thyself" innately, without thinking, without doing, without considering...

And yes, I have been told that most people at some time in their lives have questions who they are, some more that others.......but I do not question WHO I am, I question WHAT I am.

I am biology.......I am a set of biological mechanisms encased in a very large organ called the skin. As part of that biology and evolution, I have a brain that thinks and analyses and stores memories as data......

But this does not say intrinsically that I am WHO I am, or for even having a purpose as to what I am. I am here because of fertilisation and cellular division. This does not ensure that I know who I am, it just ensures that I exist, because nature knows no other way, but to exist......and to survive

I do not know why this brain was put in to this body. I do not know why I have lived the life that I have and not some other life, other than being a subscriber to a type of radical sceptical philosophy. I understand that the product that I am is somewhat influenced by my environment and that I have free will and the ability to make choices based on a set of morals and values. But that still does not explain what I am. Telling me that I am human, is not a good enough explanation.

My father told me recently that he remembers me constantly asking from the age of about 4 years old "Who am I"? "What am I and why do I exist". And my parents introduced me to biology at the age of 7 to see if that would answer some of my questions, and it did for a while.......but 30 years later, I am still asking the same old questions.......

"Identity disturbance" is a complete understatement and a very banal and futile attempt to describe something bereft of "life". Those 2 words do not even come close to what I am feeling.

Michah