Identity disturbance and I don't know where to put this...

This is not about existence
This is not about aspergers
This is not about self-esteem
and this is not about the world, or other people, or social skills...

but it is about all those things, in part. Because all those things make up this part of the planet that I inhabit.

People go, people stay and people love and people hate and somehow I am supposed to believe that I am part of that same mechanism that all human beings interact and live through. That I am supposed to look upon my fellow man and "identify" with their humanity. That I am supposed to "know thyself" innately, without thinking, without doing, without considering...

And yes, I have been told that most people at some time in their lives have questions who they are, some more that others.......but I do not question WHO I am, I question WHAT I am.

I am biology.......I am a set of biological mechanisms encased in a very large organ called the skin. As part of that biology and evolution, I have a brain that thinks and analyses and stores memories as data......

But this does not say intrinsically that I am WHO I am, or for even having a purpose as to what I am. I am here because of fertilisation and cellular division. This does not ensure that I know who I am, it just ensures that I exist, because nature knows no other way, but to exist......and to survive

I do not know why this brain was put in to this body. I do not know why I have lived the life that I have and not some other life, other than being a subscriber to a type of radical sceptical philosophy. I understand that the product that I am is somewhat influenced by my environment and that I have free will and the ability to make choices based on a set of morals and values. But that still does not explain what I am. Telling me that I am human, is not a good enough explanation.

My father told me recently that he remembers me constantly asking from the age of about 4 years old "Who am I"? "What am I and why do I exist". And my parents introduced me to biology at the age of 7 to see if that would answer some of my questions, and it did for a while.......but 30 years later, I am still asking the same old questions.......

"Identity disturbance" is a complete understatement and a very banal and futile attempt to describe something bereft of "life". Those 2 words do not even come close to what I am feeling.

Michah

Hello, Michah. Your questions are familiar to me. No theory I have entertained satisfies my need to know. When morose, I suggest I am the victim of the deluded, complete with their genetic make-up and burdened environmentally beginning while in the womb and thereafter until some semblance of maturation.

I further suggest the cause of the delusion I speak of may well be other-worldly. The other-worldly one likes to be entertained by the frailties of its creations.

I am not convinced I have free will. To me, free will is the manipulation used to make the creations of the other-worldly one purportedly responsible for evil.

After venting, I realize my suggestions have not helped me feel better. The important work I must attend to is how to survive, and maybe find a bit of peace.

"Who am I?" is a philosophical question. I believe we can all develop our individual philosophy of life, then choose to make our inner selves fit the framework we have created. In other words, rather than "Who am i?", the question becomes "Who will I create myself to be?"

I don't see how we can figure out who we are, why we are here by looking out into the world; we're not out there, we're in here

Thank you to everyone for replying.......

I do not know if I have become more confused or more enlightened or a bit of both, and subscribing to the idea that one state cannot exist in part without the other, I am both confused and enlightened I'd say.....

I get what everyone is saying, but I have to be honest and say that what Byz said strikes a very deep chord with me. I understand what Wingin It and Perna are saying intellectually, but I do not really "get it", for I have tried those approaches in many different ways over my life. They sustained me for a period of time, but were transient in how much contentment with self they actually brought me.

I know that the answers only ever lie within (That is my taoist speaking and it is Taoism that has probably stopped me from going mad).

I also know that there is no definitive answer. I also know that my own brand of idealist and radical philosophy can inherently lead me to a deep sense of futility at times, but conversely, it also explains things in ways that nothing else can.

Byz touched on something and it is not exactly what he said......about free will and "other-worldly"......I agree.

In order to know oneself, I think takes an amount of FAITH on the part of the individual and it is so unconscious that they do not even know that it exists. Faith is not just about deities, faith is about believing in something that you cannot see, feel or measure, but you you know fundamentally that it exists for you.

I do not lack faith necessarily, but I fight with it, for it is too dynamic for me to grasp. I often look upon faith with a great amount of suspicion. I do not trust that faith will intrinsically explain what I am, for even though I know that I am human, I have very little faith in the human race, ergo I have very little faith in my own humanity.

I always used to tell my parents that I wished I was a robot. I am sure my parents thought it was just the ravings of a gentle and caring, but completely eccentric child, but I still wish I was a robot. I remember my father, who is a science fiction nut, introducing me to Star Trek at a young age and I would talk about Spock endlessly. I always found it terribly sad that he was part of a group that loved him for what he was, and they helped him to navigate the painful journey through the human side of him, and I wondered why no-one at school embraced the idea of logic (as immature as it might have been at that age. Probably more of a "black and white" manifestation) and helped me through my human side. Gosh, how deluded I was! But I thank my father for introducing me to Spock back then, for I felt a certain kinship with his character more than any one irl.

Anyway, I am raving on......thoughts just flow and lack gravity......I am enjoying the gentle rain and the ebb and flow of nature......

I am in it, but not of it......

Michah

Maybe it wasn't appropriate to ask your parents those questions...parents tend to be biased. I suggest having this conversation with a rock, or maybe an old tree. They might be able to provide you with some insight on how they maintain their faith in their fellow rocks and trees.

Very true Kathy M

It would be nice to live without consciousness sometimes. A rock does not know that it is a rock because it has no consciousness, and so therefore it does not question that it is a rock. It just does what rocks do.......

by being a rock!!!

A tree.......now I would LOVE to be a tree,

and have the winds and snow and rain and sun pay me a visit.......

Michah

I thank my God that in my seeking, my God has provided me with the answers that you seek. Interesting how so many are in search of those answers. I wonder, if God didn't intend us to find the answer, He would not have given us the desire to search for it.

I truly am skeptical that a 'sense of self' exists as to answer the question, who am I?
Like everyone else (regardless of their ignorance or denial), I am star dust.

I can not, not think. Therefore, I am.

Sounds to me like you are experiencing depersonalization.

Depersonalization is when you are doing something it's like you are watching yourself do it & hear yourself talking, but are detached from being the one that is doing it.....but you are present enough to be watching yourself from outside. Differing from dissociation where one is completely gone from the elf who is functioning.....don't think it really sounds like dissociation......just a normal questioning of the mind.

Depersonalization isn't so clearly defined. What you've said is hyperbolic much like what Freud wrote on the matter. Many people with depersonalization do describe such a loss of autonomy, but there is another phenomena all together regarding one watching them self from the outside typically referred to as an out-of-body experience. Viewing ones self out-of-body is distinct from the feeling that thoughts are not originating from a self.

Depersonalization could be well argued to be a type of dissociation and another type per se is typically termed dissociative amnesia implying loss of memory/function. Dissociation/depersonalization/etc.., is a normal state of mind within boundaries just like the state of anxiety.

Michah has given much more thought to such a question of existence as evident by the acceptance of the unknown, which is reflective of reality. The vast majority of people dupe themselves into believing in fabricated answers because uncertainty is discomforting. It is worth noting that identity disturbances/differences have been noticed in populations of individuals with Asperger's syndrome. Perhaps the root issue here is Michah has false expectations as to what an 'identity' or lack there of is to other people of whom she is comparing her own sense of identity to. Given the depth of thought she has demonstrated on the subject, the false expectations could be from other individuals poorly interpreting and describing their own realities.