tay, I'm aware of the waiting period following self harm, and no, she didn't ask what I meant by skill break down, and I didn't get a chance to tell her.

I wish you guys could see inside my head. It is so confusing and so painful. I understand everything you are saying, and I agree with most if not all of it. But in my heart, in my confusing circles of repetitive thought, it isn't so clear. I am going around and around and around and CANNOT STOP THINKING about this. I wish I could. I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about it and not being able to stop.

I tried every dbt skill I could, I even did a google search for dbt skills to try to get some ideas since I know that calling my T would be a mistake, but she is who I would normally ask what skills to use. And rightfully so, that is what coaching is about. I was wishing last night that there was another dbt T that I could call for coaching, but then that would probably be viewed as splitting, so.

Today I am just sad and tired. I am maybe not quite as worked up as yesterday, but I am disgusted with myself for not being able to push this away and go on with my life. My kids are gone for the weekend, which was horrible timing as it gave me no distractions. I'm looking forward to them coming home this evening and then the new week starting tomorrow, at least I will have something to do and places to go to get me out of my stupid head. I hate this. Hate. Hate.

Also? It's hard to look forward to Tuesday when I see T. What if it's as horrible as my last session? What if nothing is resolved and I have to leave and wait ANOTHER week? Meanwhile, anything I wanted or needed to talk about in T (huge things!) are pushed aside and that doesn't feel good either.

I'm angry. I don't know if I'm more angry with her or with me. But I am really ****ing angry.