what I told my T

I decided to leave a message for my T, and I wrote it out beforehand.

only, she messed up my plan by answering the phone. I was...startled. I said, I just wanted to leave you a message, can I just call back and leave a message? She was like ooookkkaayyy? So I said, just, nevermind, I'll just tell you.

this is what I said:

she said, "ok! I agree 100% with everything you just said. And, I'll see you Tuesday. Oh, and...I'm still here for you. Oh, and, just one more thing. I'm not going to quit and I'm not going to fire you."

And as she said that I took a deeeeep breath, maybe my first one for days. I said thank you. Thank you.

And she didn't say "call me if you want to or need to", she just said goodbye instead. And it's okay. Because I know I can call her if I want to or need to.

Everything isn't fixed, I am still hurt and confused and a little angry. I still want and need and I think deserve an explanation and an apology. But deep down, I do believe it will be okay, that I will be okay. With or without T.

Good for you!!! Great job telling T what you needed to, and I'm glad she responded positively.

I always hate it when my T answers and I expect her voice mail. I usually tell her that she's caught me by surprise by answering...and she always offers to hang up and let me call back and leave a message if I would prefer to. I usually feel foolish doing that, though, so I just talk to her.

Good for you and also nice job being brave and talking to her! I hope you feel reassured by her response.

yeah, that is such a trick when they answer live vs. voice mail!

I'm glad that there is a strong past to look back on and that you see that good foundation as bringing stability in a challenging time. That it lets you trust that the caring is still there, you believe it when she says it. Security.

That's great zoo!! I'm so pleased to hear that! Those words "i am here for you, im not going to quit on you" would be like heaven if my T said it to me....she never will as she will leave me soon.

However I understand that it doesn't stop how you feel about what has gone on...... I am glad you can breathe now and have a relaxing weekend because you deserve it!

Hi Zoo!

I don't know the circumstances that made you upset, I'll have to go back through the posts and look. But I am glad that you were able to say what you needed to even when she answered the phone. You have shown great strength and courage and I'm so very impressed!

Love and hugs,
Tara

((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))

Awesome job !!!!!

wow, that was good zoo! both what you said AND what she said!

kudos for you!!!

You say that with a lot of certainty. It sounds like you really believe her! I'm glad it worked out so well.

I have spent today swinging wildly from anger to sadness to not caring and back to anger. The thing, well one of the things, that I keep hitting up against is this: she told me yesterday that she is still there for me, and I believed her. Still do believe her. But I don't know what that means any more. When I talked to her on Thurs night, when she hung up on me, I was crying and crying and trying to tell her how I felt, saying that I was at the point of complete skills breakdown and I didn't know what to do, and she said "I'm not going to talk to you about that." And I got so frustrated and upset and I said "how can I not be allowed to tell you how I feel? How can I call you for help if you won't tell me what is ok or not ok to say on the phone??" and she just said, I'm not going into that, goodbye.

I just don't know...sure, she is there. But I can't actually call her, if I needed to (let alone wanted to...) because I still don't know what is ok to say or not to say. So, yes, she is there but no, she isn't. I can't call and say "I don't know if it's ok to say this..." because that is going to make her angry and push her away.

So. I have to sit with it until I see her next and get some clarification. And that is SO not one of my strong points. I am almost unable to sit with huge emotions like this, and that fact is demoralizing in itself. I thought I had progressed further than this. Turns out I just hadn't been triggered in the right way lately.

Zoo, I can totally understand where you're coming from here. SO confusing to be told she's here for you and that you can call - but to not know what the criteria is for what you can call her for. SO hard to deal with when you're in a difficult place emotionally.

my urge right now (the urge that I am noticing but not acting upon, for the record) is to call or email her and tell her that I am done, I quit. It is like I can't tolerate being in this middle space any longer. I don't want to quit, but I would rather do that than be in limbo and not knowing what is going on. If I quit now, it will be done, I will know it is over, and I can move on. Instead I am stuck wondering and waiting, and unable to turn off my mind, so thinking thinking thinking thinking about T and what went wrong and what she said and what I wish I could say right now, etc etc etc.

Ah, maybe the time of that confusion is the time that you need to work through the thoughts in your mind....only I know how difficult that is.

It's interesting......I was going to a DBT group where my psychologist practices......in the group we would talk through these thinking processes & the leader of the group would work with us on thinking logically through things in our lives....sometimes in a general way...& sometimes with things that had come up with each of us during the week....& work on figuring out what skills we used & what would have been better to use.....wondering....do they have a DBT group where you have therapy.....I find that working in a group & hearing others thoughts & experiences realy helped me understand the DBT skills so much better than on a one on one basis. I am sorry that I can no longer afford to go to that DBT group.....as it was the best experience along with the new psychologist that I have in all my psychology time since 1994

I did the dbt skills training group once a week for a year. That's how it's done here, twice through each module and you're done. I finished about a year and a half ago. I sometimes wish I could go through it again, to hear the information with fresh ears, but it's not an option.

Ah yes, I understand that too, zoo.....Remember that last huge rupture I had with T when he told me to stop emailing him and that he had enough of my abuse? And then I had to sit with it for two days before he got back in touch with me? Those were the hardest days I've ever had...thank goodness for PC, everyone helped me through that awful, awful time....

When T and I finally did talk...and I told him how I don't cope well...he said that this is an opportunity to learn how to cope better....to navigate it better, etc...so we can be more prepared to deal with things of this nature when it happens in other meaningful relationships....

At the time, it was very hard to imagine it being a learning opportunity....

(((((mue))))) I do remember that, and how painful it looked from the outside. Now I know how painful it actually was.

Yesterday I was all full of "this is for my own good, I will learn so much from it" but today I am "T is a witch, she has no right to cause me this much distress, what happened to first do no harm??"

I'm pretty sure the only thing that is stopping me from quitting right now is that I know full well when Tuesday rolls around I will want to go there, just to have a chance to say WTF, T??

I've tried thinking about it, and not thinking about it. I've tried distracting and distracting and distracting. I've tried drugs and alcohol and cutting and I've tried talking about it and I've tried ignoring it. I've tried sleeping and eating and not sleeping and not eating. I am running myself into the ground. I have used every dbt skill I know. If I wasn't so resistant I would pick up my dbt binder and see if there is something I forgot, but I don't want to do that because seeing the binder reminds me of T and that makes me angry.

Zoo, I am sorry that you've been going through so much with your T the past few months. It really is overwhelming. I know personally the conflicted feeling revolving wanting to quit or wanting to continue. I understand the back and forth, the pain and fear, the dependence and the self-protection. I would recommend from my own experience that you trudge through all the emotions because in the end you will be a better person for it. Through the issues in your relationship with your T, you will learn how to handle similar conflicts better with your friends, relatives, coworkers, etc. Also, eventually the back and forth will end, or at least lessen significantly, and you will feel very grateful for the support your T has given you over time.

Hey Zoo,

I'm sorry things are so tough for you.

I think it is vital you get through the next 2 days without contacting her, to give you both some space. Believe me I know 2 days alone can seem long when you feel bad but I honestly think contacting her again is a bad move. Do you see her weekly?

Im playing devils advocate here...so please don't think I am trying to get at you but I think at the moment what's really your enemie is how your thinking about things moreso than the T herself. I do know what it feels like to get conflicting messages from your Therapist as I get them from mine too and they annoy me.
When you T says that she is there for you, she means when you really, really need her, which at the moment to you I think feels like you need her almost every day and I dont think thats possible.

I know she has said hurtful things and I believe she has been very wrong at times but even when she says nice things like she did in ydays phone call its not helping you because within a few hours your feeling bad about things again.I can imagine that feels really upsetting

I think she has messed up some boundaries and left you feeling very lost, confused and hurt but you need to wait till tuesday and have a face to face discussion about all this.

Perhaps write out exactl what you want to say to her or ask for tuesdays session so you can letoff steam now but alo be prepared for the session??

xox

Very proud of you for being so brave, that had to be hard but you did what you needed to do You're in my thoughts

My T has said "I'm not going to listen to this" when I have called crying hysterically in emotion mind before. It kind of sounds like your T wants you to call for skills coaching and not for spilling out your feelings while in emotion mind. Did you mention to her that you were cutting and using drugs and alcohol during your complete skills breakdown? I'm asking because if she knows you are engaging in those behaviors to cope, she is not supposed to allow any contact for 24 hours. If you call for skills coaching, it is supposed to be before you act out any bad coping skills. Maybe that is what is happening. If I call crying and saying I need help remembering what skills to use, she will remind me and coach me through. If i'm just crying in emotion mind and have already engaged in a target behavior or something, then no, she is not going to discuss that over the phone. That is to be discussed and worked through during sessions. Phone contact is not supposed to be processing feelings..that is for the actual therapy sessions.

She is definitely not being clear, and as long as she continues with the "call if you want to or need to", then she is opening the door to calling for anything, which is confusing. Gosh, if my t said call anytime you "want" to I would "want" to be calling all the time.

I don't really have anything to add other than I am so sorry you are going through this right now!

tay, I'm aware of the waiting period following self harm, and no, she didn't ask what I meant by skill break down, and I didn't get a chance to tell her.

I wish you guys could see inside my head. It is so confusing and so painful. I understand everything you are saying, and I agree with most if not all of it. But in my heart, in my confusing circles of repetitive thought, it isn't so clear. I am going around and around and around and CANNOT STOP THINKING about this. I wish I could. I feel like I'm going crazy thinking about it and not being able to stop.

I tried every dbt skill I could, I even did a google search for dbt skills to try to get some ideas since I know that calling my T would be a mistake, but she is who I would normally ask what skills to use. And rightfully so, that is what coaching is about. I was wishing last night that there was another dbt T that I could call for coaching, but then that would probably be viewed as splitting, so.

Today I am just sad and tired. I am maybe not quite as worked up as yesterday, but I am disgusted with myself for not being able to push this away and go on with my life. My kids are gone for the weekend, which was horrible timing as it gave me no distractions. I'm looking forward to them coming home this evening and then the new week starting tomorrow, at least I will have something to do and places to go to get me out of my stupid head. I hate this. Hate. Hate.

Also? It's hard to look forward to Tuesday when I see T. What if it's as horrible as my last session? What if nothing is resolved and I have to leave and wait ANOTHER week? Meanwhile, anything I wanted or needed to talk about in T (huge things!) are pushed aside and that doesn't feel good either.

I'm angry. I don't know if I'm more angry with her or with me. But I am really ****ing angry.