i too am so very sorry you feel this bad wolfsong. i can offer you my experience cause one time i felt the same way. it was a process...meds, therapy, etc. and you don't have the therapy that i feel you vitally need to overcome so many emotions you have. seems to me you are very, very depressed. is there anyone you can speak to about your sadness? at least they be supportive irl and comfort you.
had i acted on the negative plan i would have missed out on so much joy. and you need help as i had. i couldn't do it alone without professional help. it was too much to bear for me to be able to help myself. i gave it one shot, got help, it worked. i understand completely how you feel. please try to get help. i hope you have a pdoc. if you do, please call him/her, ASAP. you deserve to feel better and you have value. we care so very much about you.