Here we go

I'm back home,and it's already begun.Frankly it began the first night.Ugghhh.I'm so depressed.I am trying to program my head to deal with this.But,I just feel a cloud of doom.I feel withdrawn unless I am helping someone else.I dunno why I bother talking about it.Why I bother with talking period.It's when I have time where I'm not talking to others that it seeps in.Then I just curl into a ball.I have other issues in my heart as well.One of which is so heavy.The other few are just pervasive fears about my son,and trying to figure out how to restructure my life to a sort of robotic routine of thought/action,so I can think less and just function off habit.If I continue on this spiral it won't end well.I need to pull up.My feelings are such a varied bag.My connections are so few.I only speak with two people in my life.My son,and a very darling soul who is a lovely friend to me.I need to either get busy living ,or get busy dying.I know it's one or the other.I haven't chosen yet.But,I find that this malingering weight on my heart is so impervious to change,that I am left exhausted.It is a sort of video cycle.It begins....does it's round...ends ...and restarts on a loop.So many of us are in such a loop.I realize.I am sorry to complain.I am just tired of wasting time in my life in the loop.I find two options.Either succumb to life.Or,succumb to ending it.Frankly I have been on this path for a very long time.And I can see the end on the horizon.I used to see myself in the future.But,now,when I think about it,I find thoughts all over which indicate to me that I am not long for this planet.I feel comfortable with that.I just wish I knew when.So I could look forward and tie loose ends.I wish I could be someone who was able to end the ability to love/care for others when it seemed that their purpose for my evolution was at it's end.Or when,it was clear that their degree of honor,and consideration toward me was so vague.But,I seem to have a place in my heart for absolutely everyone.I can love anyone.Even when things go south.I am unable to be bitter in a complete sense.I just keep loving as though they were my child.IDK.I am rambling.I've not slept more than 6 hours in a few days.I lay there and close my eyes and they pop back open....my mind is in constant motion.Sorry.I'm done ranting.Sorry about this if it's annoying.

Oh dear Wolfsong ~ you're breaking my heart. Do you have a therapist? PLEASE talk to your therapist if you have one -- and if you don't, please find one as soon as possible, as you need someone to talk to ~ a professional who can help you thru this. You are such a vital, caring person and are much needed!! So many would be saddened and hurt without you!!

Please call your therapist. God bless you!!! Hugs, Lee

Thank you Leed for your tenderness.I do not have a therapist.It's such a list or reasoning and excuses as to why that is,I won't even post that on here.I very much am appreciative that you regard me in this way.I certainly can say that your persona within P.C is vital,strong,loving,and to the point....I appreciate your interactions here and regard them highly.Hugs,Light,and contentment to you friend.Wolf

i too am so very sorry you feel this bad wolfsong. i can offer you my experience cause one time i felt the same way. it was a process...meds, therapy, etc. and you don't have the therapy that i feel you vitally need to overcome so many emotions you have. seems to me you are very, very depressed. is there anyone you can speak to about your sadness? at least they be supportive irl and comfort you.
had i acted on the negative plan i would have missed out on so much joy. and you need help as i had. i couldn't do it alone without professional help. it was too much to bear for me to be able to help myself. i gave it one shot, got help, it worked. i understand completely how you feel. please try to get help. i hope you have a pdoc. if you do, please call him/her, ASAP. you deserve to feel better and you have value. we care so very much about you.

Madisgram,
Thank you for replying.Yes,I am depressed.I feel hopeless actually.I could talk to my son,but,he is in college,and my issues are concerning his father,his two brothers,and some things within me.I need to be happy for him.He gets hit with a hammer if he thinks I am not alright.I love him to the ends of the earth.He is my prize.I am so pleased you have received assist on your journey.Thank you so much for caring.I mean that with all my heart.