Today I had that anxiously anticipated first session with my new T. I was so nervous, my stomach was doing flip flops the whole ride there! But in the end it ended up going pretty well--as in I approved of the woman. She was an older lady, but very understanding, caring, and sweet and I had the feeling she was the right one for me right now.

The feelings throughout the entire thing were unnerving and uncomfortable. My palms were sweating, and I was fidgeting; I was on the edge of the seat and couldn't stop shaking until halfway through the session which was an hour. I was almost crying at times. I guess it was because the things I were saying--the primary reason I came--was about the abuse that I had thought about so persistantly in my head but never said aloud. It was a very upsetting experience and by the end I felt drained and exhausted. It was so uncomfortable and I kept thinking "I've barely scratched the surface of the abuse and I'm already getting this way just talking about the OUTLINES of it--I can't do this yet, I should quit." But I had to keep my focus on the bigger picture I knew and that's what kept me going.

The entire session was focused on that primary thing--a VERY huge step I think. We didn't go deep into what happened but it still brought forth so many horrible emotions and took the whole hour. She told me what I was experiencing was PTSD which I had looong ago suspected but I'm glad I have the approval of a specialist so I don't have to worry about self diagnosing and if I am really just wrong.

She told me quite a few times that she thought I am very strong and mature for my age, 14 and she gave me an assignment. She kept assuring me that someday I will get over this, live normally, and think of this as a learning experience. I doubt that, but I'm going to try.

I just hate the sweaty, gross and uncomfortable feelings during it not to mention I had a headache after. But I take it this is a success?