Hi Hazel,

I am getting a better picture of your husband and his behavior. Wow, he accidently shot someone and killed that person. He couldn't take battle and went AWOL and he did abuse alcohol, wonder when he started that abuse. He is probably addicted to his pain medication for his back, back pain can be painful, annoying, and alone can be a source of aggrivation and moodiness. You also mentioned the testasterone, sounds like he has low levels and that could also be a cause for his mood changes, I would read about that, I know that when my extrogen plumited I went deep into depression, ofcourse that was a reaction to a drug I was given, but one can be affected by hormonal changes. He also cared for a son and found out the boy wasnt his and he has also used the words underserving in a way and even taking his own life if he fails again in some way.

I would have to say that your husband definitely has problem, very deep problems. And the behavior you are describing is quite a combinations of things that add up to he is not a happy person, not very proud of himself, has issues with guilt, and deep inside feels like a failure and he does need help. He also exhibits signs of not really being mature and he pushes your buttons to mother him, the way he wants to be mothered and supported.

When I told you about my therapy it was with a minister and he was very knowlegeable and he pointed out how my husband was not really mature and was pushing me to mother him and how I had to not participate in that. And to be honest, sometimes I still am working on that. Just like children they do throw tantrums and I myself have noticed a pattern of snotty remarks and little controling behaviors and I was a broken record for many years. Just because someone stops drinking doesn't mean they stop the behaviors that go with it.

It really sounds to me that your are under control of an adult child but not only that, someone who has an identity issue and expresses that in patterns and you happen to be the one, also your daughter, that is on the other end of his stick. He probably treats his son better because he is trying to make up for his own lack and so there is some extra attention there.

Is this an abusive situation, yes, but you have to understand that your husband is not a healthy well balanced man. Your husband really needs help, he does have issues that need to be addressed and you can't mother him into growing up, it just doesn't work.

You talk about not even knowing yourself. Well that can easily happen as you are not in a healthy relationship and you are basically WALKING ON EGG SHELLS around your husband. Does that sound familiar? And the only way you are going to find YOU is to find a therapist who can help you get to a point where you can not only recognize your surroundings and work your way through it, but your husband needs therapy.

What your husband needs cannot be purchased in a store. And I think the two of you were trying to do that at one time. Your husband needs to address his deep seeded anger issues and learn how to take charge of is life and sense of well being. He needs to understand that he does have issues and some of his issues are not really his fault. What is his fault is that he is not getting the guidance he needs to be a healthier person a better husband and father. And HE is going to have to do that work, YOU cannot do that for HIM. And the resolve for him is not going to happen overnight. It is going to take work separately and you both have to learn how to have boundaries and respect those boundaries. It is WORK and TIME and YOU BOTH HAVE TO DO IT.

Is he a monster? I think he is just a product of how he was raised and his life experiences up to this point. You cannot expect someone to act a certain way or even be a good mate, IF THEY JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO BEGIN WITH.

You have some thinking to do. YOU BOTH NEED HELP.

Open Eyes