In need of perspective

I have tried posting on other sites and all I get is criticism. I would like some advice that doesn't include bashing me.

I was in a relationship where the guy didn't act like he wanted to fully commit or at least he wouldn't tell me he loved me. We were seeing each other for about 6 months or so. I decided to stop talking to him and try to move on. After a while of not talking he texts me and tells me he loves me (he later also tells me on the phone). I was very surprised. I told my best friend he told me that and she said "that is what they all say when they are trying to get you back". So I decided to believe he was playing games with me. I got with a man who everyone thought is a really great guy, got engaged, married, had a baby, and bought a house. I have a daughter from a previous relationship that he has been a father to. However, with all of this being said, I feel like I have turned into a worse person since being with him (he cusses more so I cuss more, he is racist so I make racist remarks). I have turned into a person I don't like. He has also said that I was an inconveniencing him by getting a second job to try to pay all of our bills. Also, he gets onto my daughter for everything and shows favoritism to our son. Example: He gave our son a cookie before dinner and my daughter asked for one. He got upset and said "why should she have to get everything he gets". He also puts her down. Example: She put on one of her favorite skirts and couldn't fit it anymore. He says to her "well, if you would stop worrying about all them sandwiches you wouldn't have to worry about that". He also has made harsh comments in front of her about other children being fat.
With all of that being said, my ex has been trying to get back into my life for the entire time I have been with my husband. I still love my ex and feel like I should have gave him a chance. I feel guilty for wanting to be in a relationship with my ex. And I feel guilty because my husband says I am his savior (because he was hooked on pills when we got together and he is now clean). I don't know whether I should get a divorce or whether I should just stay put so my children have a father and just try to overlook the vaults or what. I have tried talking to him about all of this and he sweetens things up and makes me feel like I was just overreacting. With the children he will be friendly with my daughter for a few weeks and then he will go back to acting the same way. I am really confused and can't afford to see a psychologist. Please help. Thanks in advance.

Hi Hazel, how long have you been married? How long were you together before the marriage?

Once children come into the picture, splitting up takes on a whole different level of meaning because it's affecting not only you but your family. If you feel that the marriage can be salvaged, and that you can continue on having a healthy and happy relationship with your husband, I suggest you try that avenue. On the other hand, if you're sure that the differences between you and your husband can't be resolved, and your relationship is going to be permanently strained in a way that creates a chaotic or unhealthy environment for the children, then I think it's better to part ways. I think it's better for children to grow up with two separate parents that are living happy fulfilling lives than to grow up with parents who are together but in an unhappy, negative relationship - it affects the children. I can't be sure what is the best in your situation since I don't know much of the history of your relationship.

I have been with my husband for four years and married for one of those years. I believe I got married for the wrong reasons. I wanted someone to love me. I think I just settled really. The children are what is keeping me there. I am scared of change and scared of changing their life's. The one friend that I have talked to about the situation things I am selfish. But where does the line cross from being selfish into taking control of your life? My husband and I have a good relationship to to an extend but it is mostly like a sister/brother type of thing. For me anyways. I can't even take having sex with him seriously. He is not like a deadbeat. He does provide for me as far as having a job (although he does have a problem with spending), and he does cook and clean. The bad things about him are that he is always negative. I also get extremely defensive because I feel like he is constantly getting on to my/our daughter. It would be so easy if things were straight forward and he was beating me or something. I would know to leave. But when do you know it is time to leave without the violence?

I think way way way before you think about your ex, you have to figure out about your marriage.
If you're unhappy, make a plan and figure a way out, then worry about the ex. It doesn't sound like you had some huge love affair with the ex - you moved on from him so it sounds like he is an escape for you right now. Take care of what's going on around you first, then worry about the future.
I think you know what the right thing is to do - you sound smart, just got stuck in a bad situation - I know exactly how you feel.

Hi Hazel Glitter.

I'm new here, and should probably sit back and observe etiquette more before jumping in, but here I am anyway. I hope you will forgive me any faux pas I may make...

I'm having a hard time developing in my head the right way to bring this up, so I guess I'll just say it to the best of my current ability. As I read your post, little red flags came up about your husband's behavioral patterns, which are consistent with abusive relationships. I don't know you. I know very little about the situation, and I won't pretend that I think I know what you should do. The answer is never as easy as it might seem to an outsider.

I might have waited to bring this up, but I don't know if anybody has ever expressed this concern to you. Sometimes it takes hearing it from another person...

I have more thoughts, but will wait to see if you are interested in receiving them.

Take care of yourself.

Sara

The bad thing is the entire time I have been married I have thouught about my ex. i never said I love you to him so I was at fault also. I felt rejected because he wouldn't say it first. I know what other people would say the right thing to do is. "You made your bed so sleep in it. You made a commitment so you have to stay." But I don't know if that is what I WANT to do.

Yes. I want to hear everything you have to say. I need all the help I can get. My husband does have anger issues and is on medication for that and anxiety. I don't believe I would have made it this long had he of not had any medication. He feels like there is nothing wrong with our relationship and that I am too easy on the children (especially my daughter). There was a big ordeal about his first child by another women that he says she went into the courtroom and told a bunch of lies about him and now he only has supervised vistiation (he hasn't seen her in like 8 years though). He said that she told them he was violent and that she used his job in the military to make him look like a bad person. I am not sure of the whole story and just found out about the visitation thing about 6 months ago. He told me the other day that he has come close to hitting an ex before but I don't ever feel scared that he is going to hit me. I am terrified of controntation and try not to get into arguements.

You are right that some people might say that. I would say that those people just don't get it. I encourage you to consider the effect on your daughter of being raised by a dad who tells her she is fat and ugly. The effect on your son of being raised to believe that it is okay to treat people like that. The effect on both of them being raised to believe that it's okay to be mean to people who are different from them... I encourage you to read about the characteristics of abusive relationships. I hope you don't misunderstand. I'm not telling you to leave him necessarily. I think though that your intuition is picking up on some real and valid concerns.

I think that jadedmoonbeam makes a good point about your ex.

That does make a lot of sense. I guess I never thought of an abusive relationship as being anything other than physical.

Hi Hazel, there is some good advice here and you are right, abuse doesn't always mean physical. I know you havent seen a therapist about this but there is another option. I had received really good counciling from a family councelor at a church.
I was not even a member of that church. I can't remember wether I paid for that service or not but this coucelor pointed out so many things that I just didn't see.

I agree that there are some red flags in your relationship and definitely red flags where the children are concerned and as I listen to people who are struggling they often describe being raised in a situation exactly what you are describing. And I think your gut is telling you that.

Now you said your current husband was in the military, did he serve in any active duty? If he did he could have symtoms of PTSD and that could include the anger towards you and even your daughter as well as the medication he is taking for anxiety issues. The other red flag is that he could only have surpervised visits with another child he had, they don't order that for no reason Hazel, um red flag.

And your right, he is not treating your daughter well at all and that can and will effect her the longer it is allowed to continue. You are living with a possible tyrant and look at you, you are afraid to make waves or counter his behavior with creating boundary lines that stick and he respects. And the amount of communication between you and the current husband is on a grade level of POOR. And his son is your son too, do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is acceptable behavior? Your son will treat others the same as he will learn that it is not only accepted but that he will gain by that bad behavior.

Are you in a mess, well yes, the communication and relationship is deteriorating if there is really much of a relationship at all. And the statement that your working extra to make up for the bills inconveniencing him? Well, than there is another option, he go out and get another job and you stay home. And his spending habits are another bad sign, he is not being responsible and he is acting like HE IS THE ONE THAT IS THE ALL MIGHTY DECISION MAKER, and THE DECISIONS HE IS MAKING ARE NOT HEALTHY ONES.

When someone is afraid to express their feelings with a spouse and sit down and set real boundaries and boundaries are always crossed than, yes, you are in an abusive relationship and those have a way of getting worse not better.

Check into family counceling services and see if you can get some advice. And most important start a journal where you can keep track of his behaviors. Even if you have to start a thread here and add to it so that it is not a book or record that he can find and the abuse could get physical.

Think about my questions. What is his history? What is he being treated for?
Has he served in active duty? Remember he must have gone through a lot of disciplinary training, is he using that in your home is he running you and your children in a boot camp? These are just some questions that you need to address, also, DOES HE DRINK or ABUSE ALCOHOL even just once a week?

Open Eyes

Quite a few things hit me in reading your thread. To start with:
Six months is a short time...way too short of time to expect the other person to be fully committed into knowing that they love you. Most people don't like jumping into that level of a relationship in that short of time. Some do, but many don't, so to expect someone to be at that place in such a short time just because you were was a bit unrealistic.

Ok, alone that line, some people also tend to want the thing they can't have. If the person has problems with relationships in the first place, sometimes when the other person is finally unavailable, then they feel it's safe for them to feel their emotions. Those feelings may be real, or may not be in reality, but it's safe to express that feeling. Not saying that this is what was going on with your ex, but it's a definite possibility. The possibility that if you were to end up getting divorced, this ex may not really end up being there for you in the long run....the possibility is just as great that once you really would end up available, he really wouldn't be there because it's just as possible that he's only there because you aren't available.....something you won't know unless you get into the situation.....but the possibility of it being this way is just as great as the possibility that it isn't.

Ok, lets go on with the relationship you are in:
In other words, you become like the person you are around instead of being strong enough to hold your own opinions & values in spite of who you are around? So the only way you can be a good person is to be around good people? You have a problem holding to the values & feelings that you want yourself to have. Given that you have determined that you have this problem, I would suggest that even if you do get divorced from the person you are married to, that you stay alone until you can determine who you REALLY are & start to hold up your own values in your own life. I think in reality, you would be a better example to your kids by being a single strong parent than one that blows with the winds they are surrounded by. The important thing is life is that we need to define ourself by WHO WE REALLY ARE, not by who we are married to.

Yes, I think the marriage you got yourself into isn't a good one & I'm not going to say, "you made your bed, lie in it" because I don't believe that it's really the best thing for the kids. From what you have said about your marriage, it's NOT a good relationship & really isn't a healthy one for your children to be brought up in.....definitely teaching them values that I don't think are good for them. I think that the marriage you are in needs a lot of serious work to make it a good marriage (if that is even possible). I'm not sure that either of you are strong enough to do it without professional help. Only you can tell if the damage that the marriage is doing to your kids is bad enough that leaving is the answer.

You do sound like someone who is desperate to have love in your life & you are searching for that elusive LOVE.....definitely NOT the way you want to go into any marriage.

The marriage you are in doesn't sound like it's the best, but with the right kind of help for both of you, it could work out but it would take changes & work from both of you to make it work. I don't think that jumping back into the relationship with your ex even if you would get divorced would give you that elusive love you are looking for either.

I think you need some alone time with your children to learn for yourself WHO you really are & what YOUR OWN VALUES are & what your OWN THOUGHTS are. Once you figure out WHO YOU ARE & become the person WHO YOU WANT TO BE, only then would getting married to someone who really fits WHO YOU REALLY ARE might be the answer.

Just giving you more food for thought from feelings I got in reading your thread. I left my husband after 33 years. We were both engineers in our careers but he refused to communicate & even though being a nice person, he had spending problems that I allowed to rub off on me even though I knew better & I couldn't trust his answers to any of my questions as being accurate for basing my decisions on without it costing me because of his being wrong when he was sure he KNEW what he was talking about. Anger built up over the years to the point I was seeing red & fighting with him on everything by the end (still married only separated at this point because of financial issues). I know that staying with him & the fighting between us wasn't a good thing for our daughter & if I could do it over, would have listened to the little voice that inside of me told me NOT to marry him in the first place.

What I have found out is that after leaving him & going to a place completely new where I didn't know anyone, I have been able to become WHO I REALLY AM. I don't need anyone elses love to define who I am. Having friends who care & who I care about in a very family sort of way has been great....knowing that people care & are there for me the same way I like to be there to help others for me is better than anything love could possibly provide....because that kind of caring is a kind of love & can end up being more important to our own development of self than any other kind of relationship.

Hope you are able to figure your life out, but thought I would through out some other thoughts that seems like might not be thoughts you have considered before.

Hi. I'm just checking in. I'm tired, and haven't had a chance to read through all of the posts above, so forgive me. I'll try to come back soon to read through it more carefully.

The stuff that I've written below is a bit more general than specific to your situation Hazel. I want to be sure I'm not misunderstood to say that you need to leave him. I don't know if that's the right answer for you or not. I saw some good points as I glanced through other posts. I guess I just want to say a little bit about abusive relationships in general. I am open to discussion if anybody disagrees. Anybody can also PM me for further discussion.

Abusive relationships tend to follow certain patterns. It is common that everything will seem perfect in the beginning. Then there is a wedding, or the birth of a child, and this major stressor can trigger aggressive acts. It doesn't have to be physical to be abusive. Controlling behavior, like preventing a person from seeing friends or family, or from having a job, or outside contact in general, is a major red flag. There is often a cycle that takes place. I think recent theory has changed a bit, but in general, abuse is often followed by apologies, a period of calmness/happiness, followed by tension then another abusive act. I think I'm simplifying it a bit.

Sometimes over time, it can progress to physical violence, sometimes it doesn't. In my opinion, there is always a need for careful consideration and safety planning before taking action. In general, I would never tell a person to leave an abusive relationship without working with a professional to develop a safety plan, especially without knowing more information.

I also want to say that a lot of families are able to work through these problems, and counseling can help. There are different types of abusive people (3 if I accurately recall, but it's been awhile). I do encourage counseling/therapy, but would recommend individual counseling first, and discussion with professionals to determine if marriage counseling is appropriate at this time.

Also, despite education taking place, victim blaming is still a major problem on many levels. I encourage anybody to listen to their gut if something doesn't feel right. I know I have a problem with rationalizing everything until my intuition is buried under thought and fear. For me, when I can access it, it's usually right.

Take care,
-Sara

All good points. I don't know if I would feel comfortable about getting counseling from a church member though. I am not religious and feel as though I will be judged and persuaded to stay because most religious people don't believe in divorce. That is probably stereotypical but it is what I have been around. We actually got premarital counseling before we got married and the Pastor basically asked why we were getting married. We said because we loved each other and he said we should be fine. He showed us this little diagram thing where we shouldn't talk to each other outside of the lines. Like don't talk to your spouse like a child. Then he left.

I had a journal when I first got into a relationship with him and he said he didn't like it and that I couldn't have one because all I would do is talk bad about him in it. Of course, I said "okay" and stopped keeping one. I tried to start one on a website I found so he wouldn't be able to access it but I couldn't figure out how to save the thing without paying for a subscription to the site. I do like to journal though. It helps me clear my head. I believe if my husband seen this posting alone though he would probably get angry and might even suggest a divorce.

He did grow up in a home of abuse from his mother, step father, and older brother. I told him he should not want his children being raised the way he was. His mother watched my daughter before our son was born and she was acting up when they were driving to her house from somewhere. The woman made my daughter get out of the car and walk beside the car down the dirt road. Is it just me or is that really messed up? I no longer let either one of my children see her. I was also raised in a similar situation. My dad was an alcoholic and went on rages of pulling the phone out of the wall and breaking stuff. My mom and me didn't have the best relationship and was often physically violent with me. My mom stayed with my dad for 20 years until he passed away. They both cheated on each other throughout the relationship.

My husband was an alcoholic and hooked on prescription pills when we first got together and I was able to get him off of them or at least to the ones he was prescribed only. He no longer drinks. Even if I have a glass of wine he refuses one. He is on medication for back pain (construction accident when he was younger), depression, and anxiety. He should be on blood pressure medicine and testosterone but we can't afford them. I am on an antidepressant and asthma medication. I believe the depression is only made worse by me being overweight and inactive and feeling like I am going nuts in my relationship.

I would have to research the PTSD because he has told me once that when he was in the military he accidentally shot and killed one of his best friends in combat training (if I remember correctly). He was active duty but he went mental and AWOL and got dishonorably discharged. He does often times give orders to the children and me like we are in the military. He had another child that he raised for 6 years and then found out that it wasn't his. He carried on a relationship with the boy for a while and then the mother had the boy calling someone else daddy so my husband kind of gave up on spending time with the child. He says that after he has "lost" both of his children, if he losses this one (our son) for any reason, he is going to shoot himself. That he apparently wasn't meant to have kids. Him saying that makes me scared to leave.

I find myself wondering how I got here. How I let this life be okay for me or my children. There are things that he has said and done that I would have never stood for before. He one time told my daughter he was going to knock my daughter's teeth down her throat. I got angry and told him to never say stuff like that again. He said he wasn't really going to do it, he was just trying to scare her. He says the children should be scared of him so they will listen. He says things similar to that now but for some reason I let them slide and I know it is not okay.

He said that he is not getting a second job because his job is more important than mine. He said that if he falls asleep at work he will hurt someone (he is a grader operator) but if I fall asleep nothing will happen (I am an assistant secretary). We both work 4, 10 hour days while our children sit in daycare the whole time. I handle the finances but he spends the money. He will go to the store to get one thing and come home with twelve. He doesn't care if I spend money but I don't because I would rather use it to pay a bill. We are behind in our mortgage, electric bill, water bill, and our children's health insurance. We let our car go back because we couldn't afford it anymore. The babysitter our children were going to hit our son so we had to move them and the cost went up by $500.00 a month. We have no savings and if I do tell him I have money he figures out how to spend it so I have started to hide it from him. Don't get me wrong I give into his spending. He will want something and if I tell him no we don't have the money he gets mad at me and throws a fit so I end up letting him get it. When we don't have enough money for bills I say screw it...he gets what he wants so I might as well go by myself a magazine or a bottle of nail polish. When we first got together we used to spend money like crazy. That is one of the things we enjoyed doing together. Shopping. When we bought a house and had another child to take care of I tried to get serious about things but he doesn't seem to be one the same page. I have tried sitting down and showing him the bills we have to pay and how much money we make and he says he is going to strap down but then he falls off the wagon.

Every time I try to tell him how I feel or why I am mad, he gets upset and somehow twists things around to make me feel like I am wrong for being upset or that I am overreacting or that it is my fault.

I feel like maybe my marriage isn't worth saving but then I think that maybe if I just hang in there and try to get us help for everything he will change. What if I shouldn't give up on him?

I almost cried when I read your post. You are exactly right. I don't know who I am. I know that I am not who I want to be. I am not really sure how to become that person but I know that I am lost right now. I know that my husband is not supportive of me trying to find out either. For example, I have had weight issues both times I've been pregnant. With my first child I lost almost all of the weight and that's when I met my husband. After we had our son together I became overweight again. When I have tried to exercise (which I do enjoy to do and I know it makes me feel good), he says that if I get as skinny as I used to be he is not going to be with me because he thought my body was to skinny for my head. This morning in fact, I decided to stop listening to that crap and do what makes me feel good so I woke up 30 minutes early, put on my tennis shoes and went walking. He never even realized I was gone. I feel like my entire life has been based on what other people think I should be. I have always wanted to fit in and be loved and never felt like I have even in my own family. I have never loved myself.

The thought of my ex only wanting me because I am unavailable has crossed my mind. I asked him that one time and of course he said that wasn't it. Do you think that after 5 years he would still be wanting to be with me just to say it though (I am not being rhetorical here)?

I want to say thank you to everyone who has posted and will post. I greatly appreciate it. It really helps to have someone there to listen to you.

THANK YOU!

OMGosh! I researched abuse more on the internet and I am in an abusive relationship! He hasn't hit me yet but he might as well have!

Hi Hazel,

I am getting a better picture of your husband and his behavior. Wow, he accidently shot someone and killed that person. He couldn't take battle and went AWOL and he did abuse alcohol, wonder when he started that abuse. He is probably addicted to his pain medication for his back, back pain can be painful, annoying, and alone can be a source of aggrivation and moodiness. You also mentioned the testasterone, sounds like he has low levels and that could also be a cause for his mood changes, I would read about that, I know that when my extrogen plumited I went deep into depression, ofcourse that was a reaction to a drug I was given, but one can be affected by hormonal changes. He also cared for a son and found out the boy wasnt his and he has also used the words underserving in a way and even taking his own life if he fails again in some way.

I would have to say that your husband definitely has problem, very deep problems. And the behavior you are describing is quite a combinations of things that add up to he is not a happy person, not very proud of himself, has issues with guilt, and deep inside feels like a failure and he does need help. He also exhibits signs of not really being mature and he pushes your buttons to mother him, the way he wants to be mothered and supported.

When I told you about my therapy it was with a minister and he was very knowlegeable and he pointed out how my husband was not really mature and was pushing me to mother him and how I had to not participate in that. And to be honest, sometimes I still am working on that. Just like children they do throw tantrums and I myself have noticed a pattern of snotty remarks and little controling behaviors and I was a broken record for many years. Just because someone stops drinking doesn't mean they stop the behaviors that go with it.

It really sounds to me that your are under control of an adult child but not only that, someone who has an identity issue and expresses that in patterns and you happen to be the one, also your daughter, that is on the other end of his stick. He probably treats his son better because he is trying to make up for his own lack and so there is some extra attention there.

Is this an abusive situation, yes, but you have to understand that your husband is not a healthy well balanced man. Your husband really needs help, he does have issues that need to be addressed and you can't mother him into growing up, it just doesn't work.

You talk about not even knowing yourself. Well that can easily happen as you are not in a healthy relationship and you are basically WALKING ON EGG SHELLS around your husband. Does that sound familiar? And the only way you are going to find YOU is to find a therapist who can help you get to a point where you can not only recognize your surroundings and work your way through it, but your husband needs therapy.

What your husband needs cannot be purchased in a store. And I think the two of you were trying to do that at one time. Your husband needs to address his deep seeded anger issues and learn how to take charge of is life and sense of well being. He needs to understand that he does have issues and some of his issues are not really his fault. What is his fault is that he is not getting the guidance he needs to be a healthier person a better husband and father. And HE is going to have to do that work, YOU cannot do that for HIM. And the resolve for him is not going to happen overnight. It is going to take work separately and you both have to learn how to have boundaries and respect those boundaries. It is WORK and TIME and YOU BOTH HAVE TO DO IT.

Is he a monster? I think he is just a product of how he was raised and his life experiences up to this point. You cannot expect someone to act a certain way or even be a good mate, IF THEY JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO BEGIN WITH.

You have some thinking to do. YOU BOTH NEED HELP.

Open Eyes

Hazel,
I just wanted to add that it is not unusual for people to never really learn about a healthy relationship or even have a real sense of who they are because of how they were raised. So we cant just go blaming another person for all their behaviors that are a pattern of what APPEARS to be some sort of guide to parent themselves or behave in patterns that are really unhealthy. The truth is they are really confused and have no real sense of how to respect themselves or others. THEY NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DO THAT. And often the person male or female displays that by acting out, controling others, and because they learned psychological abuse, they not only continue to abuse themselves but others as well. AND THEY ARE NOT REALLY AWARE OF ALL THE WHYS AND HOW TO LEARN AND DEVELOPE INTO A BETTER PERSON.

Open Eyes

My problem is the "BOTH HAVE TO DO IT" part. He seems to feel no matter how much I complain or talk that there is no problem. He senses that I am growing distant but he doesn't understand why. I am scared to even tell him that I am not happy and why. Every time I have brought up issues before it feels like I am wasting my breath. That it is a mute point. I suppose I am going to have to toughen up and tell him before things escalate though.

warm welcome to pc, hazel.your hubby sounds emotionally abusive towards you and your daughter. it is not healthy for either of you to put up with this. for your daughter it can create low self esteem which she may never overcome. this sounds like he wants a power struggle to go on. BTW, abusive people have a common trait...many i'm sorrys after the verbal bashing (at u and yr daughter).
sounds like you've got multiple issues here. no one can decide for you re divorce.. as for an affair that just muddies the water. it also could be calamitous for you if hubby found out. just my opinion on this i'd recommend you not do it.
what i'd try first is a sit down discussion with hubby after the kids have gone to bed. see if you two can meet in the middle. be assertive and tell hubby how you feel. just read yr last reply re hubby pooh-poohing your discussion with him. i still encourage u to have the chat but think u may have to preface it with, "i don't think you take me seriously. i'm unhappy and need for you to hear what i'm saying. whether you think it's a problem or not, hubby, it's very real to me."
please keep us posted, hazel. we care about you.

I just want my children and me to be healthy and happy. I hope I have the strength to make the right decisions. I am going to make a plan and if he doesn't want to hear it than I guess divorce is my only option. I'm not sure if I can take too much more. Just thinking of an affair shows that I have already disconnected in some way. I agree that it would only complicated things.

Thank you! I love this community. You guys are all so helpful.

Hazel: it was very difficult for me to leave my ex - I know how unbearably confusing it feels. And I'm afraid I DO have a VERY strong set of opinions about your situation, so PLEASE try to see them only as my opinions. You need to take the time that you need to figure out what's best for you.

My ex had problems that manifested themselves completely differently from how your husband manifests his - but they were equally deep and equally as serious. I thought it was my job to reveal them and fix them. What's more, I had an ENORMOUS set of my own problems that complicated EVERYTHING, and giving everything I had and doing everything in my power to work on fixing his problems was a way for me to feel strong and worthwhile. I don't think I would have been able to HEAR a person if he or she told me at the time that what I was trying to do was inappropriate and ineffective. I was so driven by societal messages to be a "good person" and a "good wife" that I just don't think it would have computed for me if someone told me I should leave - like LEAVING was the RIGHT thing to do! In our case, and I do believe in most cases - especially when a situation is this volatile - AUGH - i don't know - I learned a LOT about this when I was taking classes in Social Services - my classmates and instructors kept telling me not to "expect miracles", and said so many things that I STILL have trouble computing in my head - but it boils down to the fact that people need to take on their own healing process - no one can do it for them. Having spent a lot of time in school under the influence of nuns, it really is very hard for me to see - when it comes to helping other people. I feel a very deep need to help people - and I was REALLY surprised (and initially very insulted) when they stated that therapists have to "back off" because they don't realize that they're helping people for their own ego's sake. I think it's a very harsh statement, but when I let myself look at it, it's really true. And the alternative is unfortunately a very lonely road - which is why it was very hard for me to take it - but when I look back at the situation, he couldn't POSSIBLY be responsible for untangling my problems (given their magnitude and complexity), ESPECIALLY when he was working SO hard to deny his own! (ha ha). But it isn't funny - we both tried very very hard to love one another, and to help one another, and it was simply impossible, and the heartbreak was nearly unbearable at first. And now that it's been five years, I have nothing but clarity about the impossible nature of what we were trying to accomplish - and SUCH RELIEF that we stopped trying! This message is obviously in no way balanced - I'm sorry - I'm in full agreement with all the parts of everyone's posts that mention your daughter and YOU - YOUR self esteem. Just because a man has problems - he can't take them out on you. He can't. It's not okay. And I can see now how - okay - HERE'S a piece of objectivity: I can see how I affected my ex with my rage - I couldn't see it then, but it wasn't okay for me to take it out on him. I've needed to be alone for a VERY long time - five years, as I've said - to be sure I don't do that to another man - and I might never be healed enough to be married again - and after an enormous amount of VERY thorough soul-searching (such a luxury, really - the time I've spent alone these past five years) I'm okay with that. Once in a while it gets lonely, but not very often. And most divorce experts will tell you that you really need to look at yourself before you get involved with another spouse - they've come up with a formula - take a year alone for every four years you were married - that's how much stuff there is inside of all of us to look at and straighten out before we're really ready to be married. I agree with that formula 100%. You're in a VERY difficult situation, and I do think you've got a lot of good support here. Great work reaching out! It's VERY hard to admit you need it when it comes to marriage - we have SO much invested in our marriages!

Hi Hazel,

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a tough situation. I noticed at the end you said you've tried talking to your husband about his behavior and he sweetens it up. Have you "called him out" right as he is making a comment or doing something you don't like? Catch him in the act maybe, rather than waiting until later to talk to him about it. Maybe that will open his eyes a little more. I feel like communication is the most important thing for a relationship to be successful, telling him how you feel is vital. And I wish I could give you more advice about your ex, but I'm not sure there is a right or wrong thing to do, you know? If I were in your situation.. I would start telling [husband] about his behavior right away and that it really gets to me and that it has to change because I don't know how to deal with it. If it changes, then hopefully things will get better. If it doesn't change/ gets worse and I become more unhappy, I might consider a separation, trial or permanent. But like I said, I really don't think there is a right or wrong decision in this one, you have to think about how to make you and your children happy.

All the best,
Jenna

I credit this site and all of the great people I have met on here for saving my life. For some reason it never crossed my mind that I was in an abusive relationship. I knew something wasn't right but thought it was just me not being a "good wife" like you were talking about. I kept going to the doctor and having her up my dosage of medication. I have even noticed myself wanting to drink even though that is the worst thing I could do. I feel like an idiot for not seeing it. I felt like I was losing my mind and now that I am able to get on here and post I feel a huge relief.

When he is getting on to my daughter for something absolutly ridiculous or I tell him he neds to calm down, he gets angry and tells me to never do that again in front of the kids and that if I would just keep my mouth shut he could get my daughter "in line". She is a normal six year old. She is very loving and energetic and makes A's and B's in school. I don't feel like she is out of line. He yells at her for everything. She is not allowed to cry if she gets her feelings hurt or even if she physically hurts herself. When I bring it up and tell him that I am tired of it he says "Who have you been talking to?" Like I can't have my own opinion.