I was in a relationship on and off for about a year with this guy, who became my first everything. I was in my mid twenties, he was a little older. I loved him and he clearly loved and felt very strongly for me. Although our relationship was very passionate and electric and made me very happy, after the first couple months it was extremely rocky. We broke up several times, always getting back together. Mentally I was not in the healthiest place when we dated: I hated where I lived, hated my job, lived very far from my friends, and was generally very angry and miserable when I met him. The relationship initially did a lot to wake me up and make me happy. As it degraded, not only was it constantly an emotional rollercoaster for both of us, (I found out he would even take days off of work after we'd have a massive blow-out fight because he couldn't function), but he became increasingly emotionally abusive. He had a very quick temper and although he never was violent, it was the threat of an emotional volcano that kept me on eggshells for the better part of several months.

During the spiraling end of our relationship, it eventually came out that not only was he cheating on me, he was leading a double life. He had actually been in a relationship with a girl on the opposite coast (where'd he gone to school) for several years, and during one of our breakups (that lasted 2-3 weeks) he'd gone on vacation with her and gotten engaged. He was actually engaged the last several months of our relationship. I had known about the girl, but always accepted that they were just good friends (we'll skip over some sketchy things that should have tipped me off that I was simply not in the right mental space to want to deal with at the time...).

I was devastated by this. Had it not been for the deceit and cheating I believe this would not have affected me so much, but I was actually stunned and numb for 2 months following this. Unfortunately during this time I was too shocked to be able to take this all in, and did not sever contact immediately (yes, very stupid I agree). Instead I tried to make sense of what had happened and I suppose make myself not feel better, that I had not wasted so much of my time and energy and emotion on someone so undeserving (I guess to prove to myself that somewhere in there he was a good person??). I tried to be "friends" with him, but it ate at me horribly. I began having nightmares every night, having horrible anxiety, and eventually began vomitting everytime I went to dinner with him, which later degraded into every time I spoke with him.

To make matters worse, not only would he confide in me about his upcoming marriage and his "relationship" while calling me his best friend and support, he would still flirt with me and try to come onto me, as well as continue to tell me things like I was the love of his life, but he "owed it" to this girl to marry her and get on with his life. (Yes... lots of issues there too.) He would become furious whenever I shut him down or snapped at him that these types of conversations were unwelcome.

I finally severed contact with him for a month, after which time he begged me to allow him the opportunity to show me he could be my friend. Stupidly I allowed this, which caused me to not only not be able to fully move on from the relationship feelings, but also forced me to think about his new relationship constantly. I tried my hardest to force myself to accept the new relationship, and try to decide if I could accept it and have him as a friend. It made me feel terrible each time I talked to him. After several months of this, I finally told him I couldn't have him in my life at all and asked him not to contact me anymore.

He contacted me once every month or two for the following 6 months, telling me how sorry he was, how much he missed me, how I'd been his best friend, etc.; each time with me telling him I never wanted to speak to him again.

I've not heard from him now in nearly a year. I've also been in a new relationship for a year with a guy who is amazing and wonderful. I'm incredibly happy and I feel unbelievably fortunate to have found someone who is such a wonderful person and so compatible with me.

Unfortunately, I still think about my ex. Whether it's a memory of a random event, or a vivid nightmare of him cheating. Although it doesn't make me as ill as it did before, it still raises a lot of bad emotions and anxiety. Is there anyway to make this stop? Sometimes it comes up nearly every day of the week. My life otherwise is incredibly good, I moved, I love my job, I live near my friends, and I'm in a great relationship. It's been 2 years since I dated the guy, why does this keep coming up? I'm also concerned because I don't want this to bleed into my new relationship (my new boyfriend knows what happened), but I'm confused as to why my brain fixates on something that was so incredibly painful and upsetting for so long?