Can't stop thinking about ex who cheated...

I was in a relationship on and off for about a year with this guy, who became my first everything. I was in my mid twenties, he was a little older. I loved him and he clearly loved and felt very strongly for me. Although our relationship was very passionate and electric and made me very happy, after the first couple months it was extremely rocky. We broke up several times, always getting back together. Mentally I was not in the healthiest place when we dated: I hated where I lived, hated my job, lived very far from my friends, and was generally very angry and miserable when I met him. The relationship initially did a lot to wake me up and make me happy. As it degraded, not only was it constantly an emotional rollercoaster for both of us, (I found out he would even take days off of work after we'd have a massive blow-out fight because he couldn't function), but he became increasingly emotionally abusive. He had a very quick temper and although he never was violent, it was the threat of an emotional volcano that kept me on eggshells for the better part of several months.

During the spiraling end of our relationship, it eventually came out that not only was he cheating on me, he was leading a double life. He had actually been in a relationship with a girl on the opposite coast (where'd he gone to school) for several years, and during one of our breakups (that lasted 2-3 weeks) he'd gone on vacation with her and gotten engaged. He was actually engaged the last several months of our relationship. I had known about the girl, but always accepted that they were just good friends (we'll skip over some sketchy things that should have tipped me off that I was simply not in the right mental space to want to deal with at the time...).

I was devastated by this. Had it not been for the deceit and cheating I believe this would not have affected me so much, but I was actually stunned and numb for 2 months following this. Unfortunately during this time I was too shocked to be able to take this all in, and did not sever contact immediately (yes, very stupid I agree). Instead I tried to make sense of what had happened and I suppose make myself not feel better, that I had not wasted so much of my time and energy and emotion on someone so undeserving (I guess to prove to myself that somewhere in there he was a good person??). I tried to be "friends" with him, but it ate at me horribly. I began having nightmares every night, having horrible anxiety, and eventually began vomitting everytime I went to dinner with him, which later degraded into every time I spoke with him.

To make matters worse, not only would he confide in me about his upcoming marriage and his "relationship" while calling me his best friend and support, he would still flirt with me and try to come onto me, as well as continue to tell me things like I was the love of his life, but he "owed it" to this girl to marry her and get on with his life. (Yes... lots of issues there too.) He would become furious whenever I shut him down or snapped at him that these types of conversations were unwelcome.

I finally severed contact with him for a month, after which time he begged me to allow him the opportunity to show me he could be my friend. Stupidly I allowed this, which caused me to not only not be able to fully move on from the relationship feelings, but also forced me to think about his new relationship constantly. I tried my hardest to force myself to accept the new relationship, and try to decide if I could accept it and have him as a friend. It made me feel terrible each time I talked to him. After several months of this, I finally told him I couldn't have him in my life at all and asked him not to contact me anymore.

He contacted me once every month or two for the following 6 months, telling me how sorry he was, how much he missed me, how I'd been his best friend, etc.; each time with me telling him I never wanted to speak to him again.

I've not heard from him now in nearly a year. I've also been in a new relationship for a year with a guy who is amazing and wonderful. I'm incredibly happy and I feel unbelievably fortunate to have found someone who is such a wonderful person and so compatible with me.

Unfortunately, I still think about my ex. Whether it's a memory of a random event, or a vivid nightmare of him cheating. Although it doesn't make me as ill as it did before, it still raises a lot of bad emotions and anxiety. Is there anyway to make this stop? Sometimes it comes up nearly every day of the week. My life otherwise is incredibly good, I moved, I love my job, I live near my friends, and I'm in a great relationship. It's been 2 years since I dated the guy, why does this keep coming up? I'm also concerned because I don't want this to bleed into my new relationship (my new boyfriend knows what happened), but I'm confused as to why my brain fixates on something that was so incredibly painful and upsetting for so long?

Hi Pinache, wow, nobody responded to this? Anyway, I was drawn to your post because I have similar issues with my past - it just rung a bell with me.

My three most abusive exes are far in the past - like, ten years ago and more. But they still haunt me. They bring up all kinds of things for me - guilt that I somehow wasn't good enough, rage when I realize that I was fine and they were abusive, regret that the relationships failed, confusion over why they targeted me, fear that I'm still "giving out signals" as my deluded parents used to say, and that I'm continuing to attract negative men and bad karma wherever I go.

My husband is loving and supportive, as is your new boyfriend. It think it's totally natural to be worried that you'll be sucked back into the vortex of drama and old emotions from the past. When we don't resolve past issues, it's really really really hard to move on from them. You can't really get closure from something without understanding it.

And closure is invoked way too much anyway. It's not actually a cure-all. I'd go as far as to say that MOST experiences in our lives are not amenable to closure. It's one of the sparkly fixits that new age self-help gurus are constantly spouting, and I hate it. So to hell with closure

Anyway, you didn't bring up closure, I did! What I'm trying to say is that our past experiences are part of us. Our histories ARE who we are. You can't selectively cut out bad memories by removing brain parts, practicing affirmations, or anything else.

One thing that does help? Time. Time. Time. These wounds of yours are still fresh.

I can still call up pain about the terrible guys who wasted my time and shattered my life back in the day, but the fact is I'm still here. And each year that passes feels better. It does get better. I know it hurts though.

My last thought would be - what is it about your situation with the ex that bothers you the most? Are you afraid your new boyfriend will start acting like this guy? Was your self-esteem so shattered that you're having trouble believing your new man really cares about you? Are you afraid your rage will begin to compromise your new relationship? (Your phrase "bleeding into" cued that one)

I think our brains tend to fixate, as you put it, because we crave to learn from our experience. So often, failed relationships just make NO SENSE. Other people are extremely mysterious - intractably so sometimes. People don't even know why they do the things they do themselves. Trying to figure them out from the outside is tempting and engrossing, sometimes entertaining. But do we ever really come to know one another?

Ha ha, I'm getting way off track here. But I'd like to hear your response to this if you care to update. Good luck - k.

I just wanted to throw in here that I had a crazy boyfriend once, maybe not quite as crazy as yours, but he was pretty damn crazy. Anyway, it took me about a year to stop thinking about him everyday, and another two years to stop thinking about him often, like once a week or so. It's now been about 7 years and I hardly ever think of him. When I do, I just laugh. Laugh at what a moron he was. It's not all funny, I learned some valuable life lessons through that relationship, and I believe I grew as a result of it. But, I'm just trying to say, it will eventually reach that point where it's not painful anymore, just something that happened once and, like kitten16 said, a part of who you are now.

Sometimes I like to fantasize about the wreck his life probably is by now and compare to how far I've come...

Oh, also, I kept going back to him even though I know I shouldn't. It's not an uncommon thing to do so don't beat yourself up over trying to be friends with the guy.