How can your MH team help you if they don't know what's going on with you?......sometimes the hospital is the right place.....but your MH team would be the best ones to determine that.....to me it just sounds like you have a lot of issues that they need to help you work through & your fear of the hospital is keeping you from that help.

Seems that you are avoiding the issues that are causing you to hate yourself....it takes a lot of work & emotional pain working through it.....but in the end, to loose that hate is worth the work no matter what it takes to get better rather than holding onto those emotions that are harming you.

Focusing your minds thoughts in that direction rather in the direction of harming yourself is a hard direction to break.....but know you & your MH team can get you there.