Because you were girl? So, she convinced you, you have no right to be, because you are a girl? I know mysogyny, and this is it in quintessence. I know some people are stuck on having a boy, but to stick by it after you were born and looked at her with your innocent loving eyes... Seriously damaged person. So sorry your parents did to you all those horrible things. You do need new mom indeed. I am glad you found one here.

And I am so sorry that I tripped the darkness with my "pretty daisy" metaphor. I was careless with words, it was late. I apologize. The word meant to be BEAUTIFUL. "Pretty" is a horrible mind parasite that eats up our self esteem. Beauty is All That Is. A twisted half-dead tree hanging to a cliff side is beautiful, a lost dirty dog looking up at you is beautiful, the sun is, and grass. You can be not pretty in the least and totally beautiful. It is a mystery. I hope you have experienced it, at least once. It's when the person's heart shines through the eyes, and you wonder, what is it about her, she is not good looking in any way, look at those wrinkles, and the hair, omg!, but then she smiles and you are confronted by the Beauty. Or when ugly dogs and fat cats come into our lives, and we can judge them the way we judge ourselves, but we still will hear our heart whispering: "beautiful", challenging the lie.

"...We want to be God in all the ways that are not the ways of God, in what we hope is indestructible or unmoving. But God is the most fragile, a bare smear of pollen, that scatter of yellow dust from the tree that tumbled over in a storm of grief and planted itself again. God is the death agony of a frog that cannot find a water in time of the drought of our creation. God is the scream of the rabbit caught in the fires we set..."

.... and God is one whose heart cries in pain, feeling like she is nobody, not special, nothing.

Gentle hugs to you.