Where to start....I'm a mess

I just don't know how much more i can take. This new therapy is ok and yes i am doing my very best with it and trying to keep positive about it all but it's making me go mad!! All the things i kept in and all the feelings i cut myself off from, i just don't know if i can do this.

I got told in my session that the personality test thing, that she gave me to do, i scored high in it and well she said my moods can change very quick even without me noticing it has. (how am i meant to know this or deal with it??) If i don't see it coming or dont recognize that my mood is changing or has changed and hurt someone...then what??

I'm so sick of hurting people, I just can't get anything right anymore. Why am i still trying? Just to be knocked everytime and to be told i'm no good. People say one day you will see how special you are and believe it but i WILL NEVER EVER see it, I'm not special and now i wish i didn't change my name.....notspecial fits me to a T and i must have been stupid to have changed it to this.

I just don't want to carry on like this, i was handling it till she gave me all the booklets to do including the test. There is one 1 really can't do has i don't know whats wrong with me!! I can't self monitor.......if i could then i would do it to stop myself from doing and saying things that hurts or upsets others. UGH!!

Just want to give up and end it!!

((iamspecial))

That's what T is for. To help you learn. To find the ques that say "ok this is how I'm feeling". It's hard to learn how to cope with things once we let them out.

If there is one test that's upsetting you, save it for the next session. Tell her why you are having trouble doing it.

I think changing your name was a good idea. You can remind yourself that at one point, the point when you changed your name, you felt special. Look at your name and try to remember that time

Thank you tsol25, i did save it and told her and she asked me to go away again and try it!! This is my second week of trying it!! Nope i changed my name b/c others didn't like it and i was asked to change it not b/c i felt special. Did it to please and it worked....everyone was happy. (still are...i want to change it again but i have been told i'm not allowed to change it back to notspecial so i really need to find a new one) Thank you for your comment NS

When all else fails, breathe.

I wonder if you wanted to call yourself "notspecial" as a way to punish yourself, put yourself down? To me it really means that you are like so many others, nothing special, just another pretty daisy in a field of pretty daisies.

"I am special", on the other hand, reminds me of what parents tell children, especially mediocre children, struggling children: "you are special", because they, the parents, can't handle their child being average, and of course to please them, the poor kid repeats, and makes self believe "I am special". What does it really mean? *shrug*

It's all a matter of perspective.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time, though. If this test is causing you so much distress, maybe you need to put that test away and allow yourself NOT to do it, no matter how much she wants you to do. I find that when I try to press myself really hard to do something it can becom impossible to do, no matter how simple task it might have appeared to an outsider. It starts with the initial slight resistance, shying away from some emotional pain usually. The more I try to "make" myself do it, the more resistance grows. (example: I had bought a waterproof camera, that flooded and broke first time I took it out. It should be simple to call in warranty, but something, I didn't even understand what, stopped me. The longer I told myself I must do it, the bigger the wall of resistance grew. It finally become just impossible. I gave it up. After I gave it up I undestood that it was symbol of something bigger I was not reconciling with)

Special,
I almost wanted to cry when i saw your post. I am so sorry you are struggling. We all struggle so much with life. I hurt people too and I morn over that. I can't be everything to everyone. How do we move forward when we can't see anything good ahead? For me, a promise, for others, support of professionals, and others something inside pushing them. I don't know. I care about you so much and want you to have the very best out of life.
I had to self monitor and thought the world would end for me. It was hard. I sat down at the end of what happened and how i felt. It was hard and didn't make me feel better, it even made me angry sometimes. But after everything, the difficulty doing it and hating i had to do it, I found out something very good about myself that helped me cope a little better in life. I knew when the good time of day is for me. I knew what would set me off into a bad feeling and I knew when I should give myself a little more patience. I hope this helps.

((((special)))) Star*

I too resist when I know I should be doing something. It's especially bad if I make plans with someone. I will fret and worry all week and almost always come up with an excuse why I can't go at the last minute. This also has gotten me in trouble financially, putting off paying the bills, ordering out when I should really have gone grocery shopping, making doctor appts. etc. This may sound weird, but I've forced myself to schedule an "icky" day - where I have to deal with things that I don't want to like going to the store and paying the bills, calling customer service when I have questions, etc. I hate "icky" day, but I find when everything's taken care of it didn't really take me all that long to do and then I reward myself for even the smallest achievement. Small reasonable goals, before they become monsters.

Thank you for your comment sunna, No not really, its how i feel, i'm not special and i'm no one. (i'm not even pretty) My parents never told me that, more like i'm a mistake or a failure or she would have gotten rid of me if she knew i was a girl when carrying me. My adopted mom on here named me iamspecial b/c she didn't like notspecial. (did what i was told) i have no idea, i'm not the person to ask. Thank you, i am going to talk to her again anyway and she knows its not easy for me i guess, I'm gonna try but i wont get for. Thanks for you comment. NP

Star,
I'm sorry that you almost wanted to cry when you saw my post. (not my intension) Thank you, i will be ok i guess (have no choice) I'm losing them b/c of all this and i hate it. Thats just it star.....we can't b/c we can't see it, we are clouded by all the hurt and suffering that we never see the light (if there is light) Thank you star i care about you so much too. Thank you for your comment How did you manage to do it?? I keep trying that but its all over and too many for me to try to recognize (half of them i just used to ignore so its hard to tell what some of them are for me b/c i never really took notice) I'm glad it has worked out for you and i don't do angry, if i get angry i tend to cut so i avoid that emotion a LOT. I just don't know me that well and i lost who i was years ago. Thank you for your comment and for the hug ((((star)))) NP

Thank you for your comment. I never go out anymore with friends, since i finished college i just hide in my room all day doing nothing (im safer here) I have 2 "icky" days thanks to my T and counselor (i see them both on different days so its 2 days that i have to face them) Thank you for this, will keep it in mind thanks NS

Special, I'm saddened that you regret changing your name, since I'm the one who convinced you to do so. I know you can't see it right now, but you are special. Think about the children you have dealt with and the fact that you want to become a teacher. It takes a special person to be able to deal with children, especially at the 4-5 year old range! I, for one, could not do it, but I know you can, and you enjoy it! So please don't give up on yourself, I haven't and I won't! Love my brit brat!

TL, I'm sorry i didn't want to sadden you (see what i mean about hurting people??) I know you was the one who did convice me to change it and i did!! and you all was sooooooooooooo happy but you really knew how i felt but i thought i would try it and see and so for nothing (i'll admit sometimes i can feel special but its not as often has me feeling the way i do and i even sometimes think i'm just dreaming and its not real) I know, i love children and its them that make me feel about about living and i'm so empty now without doing what i love to do. (uni starts soon so i will be back doing what i love but be away for a while) I know you say and think/know i am special but i just don't I haven't given up yet have i? so i don't think i will but i just really don't know how much more i can take. And i know you won't and haven't given up on me (and wont let me either same with tarmy bless her) Love my yank snerf!

Because you were girl? So, she convinced you, you have no right to be, because you are a girl? I know mysogyny, and this is it in quintessence. I know some people are stuck on having a boy, but to stick by it after you were born and looked at her with your innocent loving eyes... Seriously damaged person. So sorry your parents did to you all those horrible things. You do need new mom indeed. I am glad you found one here.

And I am so sorry that I tripped the darkness with my "pretty daisy" metaphor. I was careless with words, it was late. I apologize. The word meant to be BEAUTIFUL. "Pretty" is a horrible mind parasite that eats up our self esteem. Beauty is All That Is. A twisted half-dead tree hanging to a cliff side is beautiful, a lost dirty dog looking up at you is beautiful, the sun is, and grass. You can be not pretty in the least and totally beautiful. It is a mystery. I hope you have experienced it, at least once. It's when the person's heart shines through the eyes, and you wonder, what is it about her, she is not good looking in any way, look at those wrinkles, and the hair, omg!, but then she smiles and you are confronted by the Beauty. Or when ugly dogs and fat cats come into our lives, and we can judge them the way we judge ourselves, but we still will hear our heart whispering: "beautiful", challenging the lie.

"...We want to be God in all the ways that are not the ways of God, in what we hope is indestructible or unmoving. But God is the most fragile, a bare smear of pollen, that scatter of yellow dust from the tree that tumbled over in a storm of grief and planted itself again. God is the death agony of a frog that cannot find a water in time of the drought of our creation. God is the scream of the rabbit caught in the fires we set..."

.... and God is one whose heart cries in pain, feeling like she is nobody, not special, nothing.

Gentle hugs to you.

Yes because you were girl!!!! Yes she has and well you believe things after a while of being told it everyday so.....you said it, i'm damaged goods and well idk anymore. Thank you but you don't have to be sorry i prob deserve it like most things bad. I have a few moms on here and one left but she stays in touch with me and well one commented on this thread but the other one i don't think has seen it (good job right now). It's ok because you didn't know, how can you, you don't know me. No apologizy needed, not your fault no worries. i don't think i'm BEAUTIFUL either. True that is a fair point about the dog, all dogs are cute. Thank you for the bible verse, i know all that, i just find it hard to believe. Thank you for you comment and gantle hug hugs back special

Awh Special, I'm so sorry you feel so bad, and I wish there was anything I could do to help. Right now I'm just keeping on. But that's okay... take one day at a time, even moment by moment. Right now I'm hiding in my house, haven't left since Friday, but it gives me space to feel the empty, and I know from experience that something will come along to fill it up. Maybe in a day, or a month, I don't know. But I do know for you that things will change, they always do. I didn't know that at your age, I do now. Sometimes things are for the bad, sometimes they're for the good. We get used to dealing with the changes. Perhaps hiding in your room is what you need to do now to grow deep roots and get strong.

I know that I've not always been the best of sisters, I know that sometimes I drop off the face of the world and go quiet, but I think of you, and pray for you every day. And sister, you are beautiful. I'm glad that your mother didn't deprive the world of your kindness, your courage and your beauty. Don't listen to the lies buried in her words when she is cruel to you. She's hurting, there's nothing you can do about that. But you can shed her pain, don't carry it in you. It's not your fault she's broken. You are beautiful, "made to make manifest the glory of God", as the catechims puts it. Next time you feel unbeautiful, try remembering that, and say it. "I am born to make manifest the glory of God." And you do it, in every act of kindness, every smile you raise. And I love you for it.

Hey Mgran, It's ok don't worry about it. I never told you b/c i know you are struggling and well you need to forcus on you!! If you say so sis but idks!! Sis all i seem to do is hide in my room, i only every leave it if i am going to church (sometimes i don't make it there tho) seeing my T and counselor and thats about it, my "friends" miss me (thats if they still do...its been ages now). If you think so!!

It's ok!! You have issues too that are hard and i do not expect you to always be here (i miss you heaps tho) I think of you often too and pray that one day we will get a chance to talk talk again!! I'm not sis, stop saying i am b/c we both know i'm not! Thanks i know that you are sis and thank you for commenting (its good to know you are still around!!) love ya sis

Oh, dear one. Hugs to you.

Humans are not "goods". Damaged goods get tossed on a thrash heap. Humans are living beings, and damages can be healed. I was actually talking about your mom being damaged. And if she were here looking for support in healing her damage I would be trying to help her.

Also, I am not feeling sorry for you. Not the "oh poor girl, so unfair" kind. My heart aches when I read you saying that you believe you deserve all the bad things, because I've known, just by a tiny bit, how awful that feels when I thought that of myself.

I know this about "I deserve it" logic. When incomprehensible betrayal is perpertrated on a child, "I deserve this" is that child only defense of her life. It's the awful price you paid to defend your bad mother. Yes, defend her. Do you understand why a helpless little thing has NO CHOICE but to defend the mother (or whoever is the primary caretaker)? What else can she do? Walk out and strike it on her own in the world? That is DEATH. So to live, the child accepts, and "I deserve it" is the acceptance. It serves to protect that child's very existence. But now when you grew up it is destroying you. The longer you go on believing such vitriolic lie the more damage it does to you.

I am not pitying you, I am expressing my sympathy and support in hopes that you find a will and way to freedom. It has nothing to do with the fact that you are a girl, that just an explanation of the damages of your mother (my ex b.f. mother emotionally abused him because he was a boy, while dotting on his sister). It has nothing to do with (maybe) a fact that you are not pretty (though I would like to ONCE see a young woman crying how un-pretty she is, while in fact she is sooo gorgeous, it's just like anorexic girl insisting that at 5'9" 100lbs is not thin enough to stop - same disease, different symptom).

You did not deserve it. You do not deserve it. What you have is mind stories that do you "dis-serve".

What you believe about yourself, probably none of it comes from you. Can you imagine being swapped at birth to a different mother, one of those ones here maybe, or maybe mother of one of your happy well-loved schoolmates and see what a different person you would grow up to be? You would not believe what you believe, you would not react how you react, you would not think of yourself like you do, but you still would be you, the very same baby, the very same DNA, the very same soul.

Have you ever sensed the *I* that looks out through your eyes, that awareness that is aware before the mind catches on and starts its chatter of words and stories and judgments? That is true you. This is what meditation is for, to help you re-connect to yourself.

You really can re-program your mind. I know because other people have done it. It can be done. We all can see you do not have to believe you are worthless. People here are trying to prove it to you and you keep denying it. So yes, I get it, you believe it, you were told it so much, that you believe it. And it's awful painful belief, and it's not true, but you have no choice but to believe it, because you do believe it... It's like chasing your own tail. If you want it to stop, you have to make a decision for yourself to stop believing in lies. No one can make you.

Thank you for your comment, i have a poem on here titled my heart aches...you saying you're heart ached hearing me say what i did made me think of it...hmmm i think i shall read it again. It's just the way i feel and think right now, my T sessions are very hard and i'm having to face things that i haven't wanted to face and pushed a side but i know i have to face them, even if it is hard and hurts. Thanks for your words and hug.