I hear that the ex has major control issues and that kind of thing does not go away easily and may continue to keep interfering with you and your relationship.

I hear the the bf has learned to "deal" with issues by shutting them out, and shutting you out when you, quite rationally, attempt to bring them up.

These kind of things can be very stressful to deal with, and you need to learn to not take them personally. My friend's sis was called all sorts of ugly names by her fiance's ex, a woman she never met. The child is being used blatantly by the mom as a weapon against the ex-husband. It's horrid. Yet, she sticks with it. She loves the man, and the kid is a sweet boy, despite everything. She tries her best, like you, to do right by the child.

You are finding yourself in a potentially very difficult situation to navigate.

Your requests are not unreasonable to me, but they may be to your bf - that's not how he wants to deal with them (You know how he wants to deal) Can that change? Maybe. People can learn new behaviors and skills.

I understand your wondering about your relationship. If he is not willing to sit down with you and discuss this, what when there are topics to discuss that affect you more directly?

So keep trying. Maybe write these things out for him, calmly, as you seem to be, reasonably, making it plenty clear that these are not demands or ultimatums, but what you think are ways you two can deal with the situation, so as to avoid creating problems, and there is plenty room for his ideas and suggestions. Let him think about it on his own, so he does not feel pressed and on the spot.

I found that exchanging emails sometimes works better, allowing me and my partner a time to think, a space to say things.

Best to you.