bf has a child

I have been with my bf for 9 months and been living together for nearly as long. We have a lovely relationship, but when it comes to his personal life I feel left in the dark. We are very close and plan to marry soon. I was apprehensive when I found out he had a child but he loves me and I love him. I decided the only way to cope with it was to embrace it.

In February it was the little boy’s 3rd birthday and I brought him a children's book and asked my bf to give it him. He didn't need to say who it was from, just add it to whatever present he was buying and in the future when he is older I wanted to be able to say that I was thinking of him even then. Till this day my bf still has not given the boy the book. I felt hurt by this as I want to be involved even though he has a mother. I felt my gesture was harmless. I have spoken to my bf about this he just says he will, and then he started saying he want me to give it to the boy.

Problem is I have not met him and my bf is in no rush either. I have always asked him about the baby's mother and whether she gives him a hard time but he said that she is cool. He see his son every 1-2 weeks, and pays money each month. I really wanted to meet his son as I want to fully know how things will be - he might be pain, I might feel uncomfortable around him, the child’s mother might cause problems ect. I feel it’s good the kid is young as he is not really going to have an issue with me, and as he never known his parents together.

The other week we booked tickets to finally take the son out. When he told the mother, she asked who he was going with and when he said his gf she said and that we were not going to play happy families with her kid. I had understand how she might feel, but he is my bf's son too and he doesn't need to ask for permission to take him out with whoever.

She said also that her mother (who basically raises the child) and my bf’s mother will not like it. My bf was pretty sure thet wouldn’t mind. The child's mother goings round to see my bf mother. I understand they have a child together, but I think my bf should be the one to take child the Granma’s house, like he already does. I told him this and he agreed, and said that his mother only puts up with her. One of the reasons that they broke up was because she use to turn his mother against him and she would believe her over him. He even had to leave home for a while because his mother kind of flipped on him. She is fine with him now. Luckily, when I met his mother, she loved me. Don’t think the ex knows I have been over there. Now we think she will go running to his mum to complain.

When the mother said all this he started having second thoughts. It upset me that he was at her mercy. They don't have a formal arrangement so he is worried will take him to court. I believe that we should be sensitive to her, but I cannot have him not being firm with her. She has the child around who she wants so he should be able to also. She has never met me so it’s purely because he has gf. They broke up two years ago and am the first one he has even thought about introducing to his child. I think he should pick his son up as usually and then meet me at his mums to go out. I told him this and said ok. I am willing to be considerate to her, but telling my bf he can’t have is son around me is unreasonable. Hopefully she will get use to it.

Last night I wanted to discuss the situation and what we should do in general, but he told me that I shouldn't be talking about it and that it was none of my business. He said we would have our own kids soon. I don’t want a kid right now and even if I had 20 kids I would still feel the same way. I grow up without a father so I want the best for his son. I was deeply upset about this. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night. For the first time I am having doubts about our relationship, can’t be disrespected like this. We are supposed to be a team and best friends so it is my business.

1. I want to be at least listened to by him when I have a problem or input regarding this situation.
2. To be informed when he has to do something with the mother as soon as he knows, not weeks after.
3. Has a big graduation picture in mum’s house is of him, his mum and the ex. He said that he has been meaning to Photoshop her out for years. It’s a big picture on the mantel piece all the other picture are of family no one else there their ex there. I want him to do something about removing her. This can’t help her move on and I feel awkward when we visit his mother. Hopefully it will make her realise that she can’t have control in his family anymore.
4. If we plan to do something with his son I don’t want him to give in just because she being difficult. She will only get use to it if realise that he is serious in all respects. So what if she takes him to court, it might be for the best.

I don’t feel am being unreasonable, just want to feel part of things. I am not looking to replace that mother just feel more involved with my partner’s life. Any advice is welcomed.

Thanks.

In my opinion, you're in a tough spot Sugar01.

We all have different idea/ls on caregiving. It is tricky when new love is introduced to the children. What's best for the children is a solid, strong and devoted relationship. It is also best that you are both on the same page and agree upon what is appropriate to introduce the child/ren to and when.

It is nice that you want to develop a friendly relationship with your bf's son. But you and your bf need to be completely honest with one another about expectations and desires. It is key that you two are in agreement about how this should be handled ~ otherwise, you've got a lot of resentment ready to build between you.

Guys typically aren't real open about these kinds of topics, unfortunately. But it is important that you both understand one another's intentions ~ so you can both make educated decisions on whether or not this relationship is going to work. Keep in mind that some give and take is going to have to be done on both sides...but it neither of you are comfortable with what is considered necessary by the other, resentment is right around the corner ~ which can build a huge wedge between you!

I wish you the best. Hopefully, you and your fiancee will be able to come to acceptable terms for both of you and build a healthier relationship. Best wishes to you!

to Psych Central btw!

I hear that the ex has major control issues and that kind of thing does not go away easily and may continue to keep interfering with you and your relationship.

I hear the the bf has learned to "deal" with issues by shutting them out, and shutting you out when you, quite rationally, attempt to bring them up.

These kind of things can be very stressful to deal with, and you need to learn to not take them personally. My friend's sis was called all sorts of ugly names by her fiance's ex, a woman she never met. The child is being used blatantly by the mom as a weapon against the ex-husband. It's horrid. Yet, she sticks with it. She loves the man, and the kid is a sweet boy, despite everything. She tries her best, like you, to do right by the child.

You are finding yourself in a potentially very difficult situation to navigate.

Your requests are not unreasonable to me, but they may be to your bf - that's not how he wants to deal with them (You know how he wants to deal) Can that change? Maybe. People can learn new behaviors and skills.

I understand your wondering about your relationship. If he is not willing to sit down with you and discuss this, what when there are topics to discuss that affect you more directly?

So keep trying. Maybe write these things out for him, calmly, as you seem to be, reasonably, making it plenty clear that these are not demands or ultimatums, but what you think are ways you two can deal with the situation, so as to avoid creating problems, and there is plenty room for his ideas and suggestions. Let him think about it on his own, so he does not feel pressed and on the spot.

I found that exchanging emails sometimes works better, allowing me and my partner a time to think, a space to say things.

Best to you.

I think as long as you try to "compete" with his ex- you are going to feel like second fiddle. The whole photoshopping of her out of his mother's picture of their family idea would have amused me if it hadn't made me sad.

The ex- will always be a part of your package! Including her in rather than fighting her is about the only way to go that can keep you sane I think. The child is "hers" as she is caring for him and you don't get part of your bf's "share" of the child, especially if you are not married to him.

I am a stepdaughter and stepmother (three stepsons). They belong to my husband and his ex-wife and the only part of them I have is my personal relationship with them; when the youngest use to come over to stay with us after we were married, I did my best to facilitate his and my husband's time together as that was why he was there, to be with his father and that relationship had nothing to do with me. Over the last 25 years, I've worked out a good relationship with each of my stepsons and my husband's ex-wife and I are friends too (she and her mother and sister come each year to our Mother's Day family party we have at our house).

Treating other family members like cattle one is trying to cut out from the herd or the child's mother like she's an unwanted piece of a puzzle that doesn't belong can't work well. You cannot "move on" from the mother of your child! They slept together and had a child together and that child has to be raised by them, together. Stressing your boyfriend by insisting he manipulate himself so he gets more of the son and pushes away the ex- will just make him have more trouble having to try and make two women happy and with no way to win as they both have different goals.

Think of the story of Solomon and the two women who claimed the same child as theirs; he went with the one who thought of the child's needs instead of her own. If you love your boyfriend, try to make it easier for him and his necessary relationship with his ex- because of their child rather than for yourself?

A story you might enjoy? On our wedding day, the ex- called right in the middle of the family's time after the reception, when we were all back at our house; my husband, 3 stepsons (very early teen to early 20's), husband's 3 brothers and sister-in-laws, etc. One of my husband's sister-in-laws got all upset and hissed at me, "That is so rude, don't you mind?" I laughed and explained that, no, I didn't mind because she was my husband's problem, not mine! Yes, it was "my" day and it wouldn't occur to me to engage in such behavior as she did but dealing with her was not a "fun" thing my husband had to do and he is quite able to take care of himself and his problems. I let him be annoy or not; I had married him in the first place after watching for 5 years how he treated his mother, his ex-, my mother, me, etc. That he treated his ex- patiently even though she did not treat him well spoke volumes to me about how I would be treated? After all, I had just married him, he was "mine" now. I considered she had made a really dumb error "losing" him/letting him go as she did.

I agree with your bf and think you should stay out of it.

I know how that can feel, its's a real stress factor