I'm falling apart tonight, after improving to where I thought I was going to be okay once again at some level of functionality.

When I was in the partial hospitalization program, I got told that there was a lot wrong with me. They thought a personality disorder, in addition to the mood disorder. I didn't think they were wrong. The pdoc in charge said that I emitted toxicity. She said it was a good thing I had some redeeming qualities, or someone would have killed me by now. [Honest to God - you can't make this stuff up.]

I knew the pdoc must have been right about how awful I was because how else could I have evoked from her such feedback. So I have the serious depressive disorder and anxiety and axis II issues, i.e. personality disorder. And she asked my sig. other how he managed to tolerate me.

There is a top notch mood disorder pdoc where I get my care, but I be as polite there as I know how, because I don't want to be labeled a bad person again. So maybe they underestimate the trouble that living involves for me. My new pdoc is female and nice, so maybe I could fill her in on craziness that I have gone through. And how disturbed I have been in my life. Always, at the Center, we just assume I have no history of psychotic features or episodes. That is not quite true. The doctor at the program did tell me that I did become transiently psychotic, when stressed enough.

I better take a shower. Since having that 3+ weeks of being better, I have been keeping everything very clean, including me. Some months ago, it was not like that and my place was becoming a dump. I think it is nice now. I will take a shower, thought I would like a bubble bath. I have to be careful not to take bubble bathe, because relaxation leads to downhill and then I go asleep in the tub and it is hard to get out. I am feeling the effects of my night meds and I better shower and get to bed. I want to get to bed earlier than last night. Then I can pat myself on the back, for a sign of improvement.

Despite awful thinking tonight, I haven't given up on the possibility that I might be okay. (Too much restoril making me too sleepy.) Goodnite.