Quote:
Originally Posted by Lifeistrulyaride
Here are the basics about my relationship so you can get a greater understanding of where I am. I'm 21. I'm a lesbian. My girlfriend is turning 25 in September. We met online from a dating site last year, July 2010. We first met and started dating in August 2010. I asked her out officially to be my girlfriend in November 2010. We have been dating for almost 10 months officially as girlfriends. It's the longest relationship I've ever had and she has such a good heart. But we have also gone through some negative bumps in our road. I'm going to vent about those problems because I am in serious need of some advice or help:
I've addressed to her that the problems in our relationship are sexual problems, dominance problems and her frustration problems. Back in the day sexually...I would initiate everything. Well, I consider myself extremely submissive..in my past relationships I have been with "butch" kind of lesbians..tomboys..who consider themselves the "man" in the relationship..they would take the initiative to kiss me first..hold my hand first..flirt with me constantly..initiate sex primarily. So I'm used to that. I was always "the girl" But now I feel kind of lost right now in my relationship. Because my girlfriend is kind of a tomboy..but not really. She never initiates anything. I first kissed her. I first held her hand. I first asked her as my girlfriend. I first gave her a nice piece of jewelry. I first initiated sex with her. So this was our first issue...sex..of all things. But things started getting more complicated.. like.. I'd initiate sex and she'd be "too tired" to reciprocate it back..and that would hurt my feelings a lot. Or I'd initiate sex and she'd give it back but her arm was sore so she'd stop before I'd orgasm..or she'd have a headache or some type of excuse where she wouldn't want to have sex. I'd get in a weird mood and take anger and frustrated out on her..which would hurt her. This is because I am a very sexual person and I am not getting sexually what I wanted from her. I wanted a more dominate sexual girl..someone who'd push me against the wall and kiss me passionately..someone who'd turn me over in bed and start making love to me spontaneously.. We'd fight and cry about this issue a lot..and I hated that..because sex should be natural and spontaneous and loving with lots of passion and sparks..with her it always seemed planned..and I'd always initiate..which I thought was why I'd never get off at all with her..or orgasm..because it wasn't how it should be. Because of this reason, I broke up with her for a few weeks..we still dated.. I told her I wanted change. I couldn't understand.. she'd get so frustrated sometimes and that's another thing I wanted to change.. like I'd do nice things and she'd get so angry over nothing or little things and it'd upset and hurt my feelings a lot.
During our "break" we were both depressed. I am in love with her..truly and I wanted to be back with her. Her ex girlfriend whose also her friend (no, there's no chance they're getting back together, they're solely friends) and I talked and she let me vent to her about our problems. She said she had the same problems and she knew the reason why. I asked her and she told me that my girlfriend is "Shy." See, her ex girlfriend is the dominant one..she's butch..and initiates things. But I'm not. The ex told me that she's shy and has low confidence when it comes to those things. But the thing I CAN'T understand is why she's shy with me if she's been with me for almost a year. I want to shake it out of her and wake her up because it's hurting me. She asked me to be her girlfriend again and I accepted..because I love her more than anyone and anything on this world..and I've seen a change with her frustration and attitude..occasionally she gets frustrated over something stupid in which case I back away or I say something and we fight a little but then she owns up to it and apologizes.. Like yesterday for example..we ordered and picked up a pizza..and she was in the kitchen getting plates to set the table..I went in the kitchen to help since I'm the host..and she had three plates in her hand. I replied that we needed 4 because my sister was joining us to eat..in which case she gave me the nastiest look ever..And I snapped back and asked what the hell was her problem. She thought I assumed that she wasn't going to get the other plate..and I said well I just was trying to be helpful and I thought you thought that my sister wasn't going..since she's anorexic and never really eats at the dinner table anyways...so I was just advising you that we needed an extra plate..and while we were arguing our voices got louder..then we stopped when my mom and sister came in the room..and I was sitting there frustrated over the whole thing..ABOUT PLATES.. silly, you know? Later she hugged me and apologized..but I would have rather had an explanation or a further longer apology on why she was saying sorry..not just I'm sorry because she felt like the asshole.
Anyways, the sexual problems are still alive..and it's hurting me. We haven't had sex in months..and I'm a kind of person that likes sex almost every night before I go to bed..or well a few times a week. And I haven't done anything to initiate sex or anything with her because I want her to do that and she knows I want her to do that..and it's making me frustrated because she's not making that move.. the week before I broke up with her was because of a sexual reason too..it was the week after my birthday..we all went out in the city to club.. I got extremely drunk..more drunk than intended..I didn't throw up or anything but my entire body was numb and I couldn't walk or talk or comprehend things very well. We stayed over her brother's apartment. I passed out on the bed..I was so numb I couldn't move. I remember her trying to do things to me..and I woke up sore not knowing why. She later told me she never realized how someone could rape someone..cause she was apparently fingering and doing things to me and I wasn't moving or reacting. NOW, what hurt me the most was that THAT was one of the only times where she tried initiating..when I was so drunk I wouldn't move or respond. It hurt me. She's my girlfriend...she should let me receive love and feel good.
Anyways we're back together like I said. Haven't had sex for months. There were times where we have been alone and she just won't initiate a thing and it's killing me. Some days I have even blurted out..."Babe we haven't had sex in forever" or "babe I'm turned on" And nothing. She told me yesterday I hurt her feelings because while we were laying on the couch and she was kissing my neck..and quickly grabbing me bellow..I told her she was shy. I only did that because when she quickly grabs..it hurts my bellow a lot..like she doesn't even touch me correctly? She grabs so quickly it like makes me hurt. because it's rushed because she's shy..and kissing my neck..that turns me on a lot..like really badly..and I know she wasn't going to follow through with anything sexually because my sister was in the room with us and my mother was also home..I live in a one floor thin walled apartment with my mother for now..so I knew she couldn't do anything sexual if she even tried that day..so her "teasing" me was making me frustrated even more.
I don't get why she is shy with me.. and I don't know how to communicate this more to her even though she already knows it all because I have told her how I feel..it hurts her every time we talk about this..because "she knows but she doesn't act" I really don't know what to do. She says she's shy because her ex was her first girlfriend..but like I've only had one other girlfriend myself..and I was always the submissive just like she was always the submissive with her ex. And I've thrown so much effort in.. I just want it returned..  In every other way she is the best girlfriend I've ever had...she wants to save me from my abusive family..give me a place to stay with her..provide for me..and love me. It's just this one problem in the way. And this is a huge problem for me because I'm extremely sexual..ever since I was a little girl I have been..well because of abuse..but I just want that love returned..I want her to initiate without me hinting..or flirting or helping her get into it. Is it possible? I want to have faith in her.
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et me get this straight your partners arm hurts and all you can think about is she stopped before you reached the climatic moment...
sorry but got to say it, why does she have to place herself in physical pain so that you can orgasm. do you have hands or a pelvis that can grind on other things than your partners arm /hand? what did you do to satify your self before you had this girl for a sex partner?
my point is the ladies arm physically hurts and you are upset about not being able to reach an orgasm..
when my partner tells me a part of her body hurts, it doesnt matter if its a cold, flu or muscle aches from sex.. we stop and make sure my partner is ok and if not does this pain my partner has need a doctors appointment.
it is abuse to expect a loved one to not address their pain regardless of whats going on and what caused that pain.
your partner is doing the right thing by stopping when her arm hurts. sure you dont get off this way but by paying attention to when her body is saying no more she is actually preventing permanent damage to her muscles and bones. if she didnt stop she could pull her muscles, tear ligaments, sprain her arm, end up with arthritis... any number of problems..
so my suggestion to you on taking it personally when your partner has to stop pleasing you to take care of herself and her body is --try to not be so selfish and one track minded. think about your partner and her physical health..
that said -
not everyone is cut out for fetish type relationships like domination/submissive type relationships.
it could be she wants a more normal traditional what ever word you want to use type relationship where both parties are equals in all ways, where neither one is more dominate than the other, neither is more submissive than the other.
some people actually consider relationships where one partner pushes/slams/ forces another against a wall and pushes/forces a kiss upon another, taking a partner suddenly during resting or during sleep, by suddenly rolling them over and going at it is abusive.
Some girls are taught from a young age that "good little girls dont touch, nor initiate sex," so it might be what you are demanding of her goes against her core beliefs of what a good non abusive relationship is all about.
how about a suggestion - maybe you can try sitting down with her and discussing things at a time when neither of you are trying to get sex or avoiding it. when neither of you are fighting. during a moment when all is well and calm with you both and just being yourselves.
Discuss it not in terms of what you want from her, but what is good for the both of you.
another suggestion - try going back to the basics of love where everything is on equal ground with you both.
(you werent being slammed against a wall when you first met her and fell in love with her right)..
go back to those days of being kind to each other, compliment each other, tell each other your likes and dislikes on all kinds of things... have romance back in your life and leave the sex problems alone for the moment. when its the right time for you both it will happen.
basically what Im suggesting is put your fetish of needing to be dominated by her on hold for a bit,
try give her a chance to start over and move at a slower pace, give her a chance to learn about what it is to love another person in a kind and gentile relationship.
then when the two of you are back on track make suggestions that leave the door open for her thoughts and reactions and yes so she can say no without you taking it personally. a non abusive sex life is one where either one can say no at any time and any place even in the middle of the act.
maybe you can say something along the lines of -- I was wondering what you thought of us trying something like -------------.
then really listen to why she likes or doesnt like the idea and why she wants to or doesnt want to do what ever was asked.
most people in good, non abusive relationships first talk about things in great detail before they jump right in pushing / slamming or forcing a partner into heavy kissing, fondling and intercourse, against walls, on the floor, tables, or in bed (or anywhere else desired LOL)
most people in good and non abusive relationships talk about things like -
what each partner thinks of that issue
whether one or the other or both would like to try it.
never entering into a fetish (in this case one partner dominate and the other submissive) moment until both parties consent to it.
how to do it in a safe manner
both partners using a safe word that would signal when either one needs to stop.
By the way real true love isnt about the sex nor the hard passionate kissing. its about what you feel for each other.. things like not ever wanting any harm to come to the one you love, its about not caring whether you reached the top tonight all that matters is the person you love and whether they are ok, its not about being pushed up against a wall and kissed hard and heavey like in the movies. its about being ok with taking it slow and easy, cleaning up that messy toilet when the partner barfs with the flu, its about being ok with just laying next to each other without having sex because your partner cant go that route tonight. its about being ok with your partner not wanting sex because they are too tired and not taking their no as a rejection of you...
those things like heavy passionate kissing, being pushed /slammed against a wall... thats called lust not love.
my suggestion take time to find love and never let lust rule the day or night. relationships built on lust dont usually last, relationships built on love is where its at. lust can always wait and can come back another day, once love is lost theres no getting it back.