Relationship Advice Please? I really need it...

Here are the basics about my relationship so you can get a greater understanding of where I am. I'm 21. I'm a lesbian. My girlfriend is turning 25 in September. We met online from a dating site last year, July 2010. We first met and started dating in August 2010. I asked her out officially to be my girlfriend in November 2010. We have been dating for almost 10 months officially as girlfriends. It's the longest relationship I've ever had and she has such a good heart. But we have also gone through some negative bumps in our road. I'm going to vent about those problems because I am in serious need of some advice or help:

I've addressed to her that the problems in our relationship are sexual problems, dominance problems and her frustration problems. Back in the day sexually...I would initiate everything. Well, I consider myself extremely submissive..in my past relationships I have been with "butch" kind of lesbians..tomboys..who consider themselves the "man" in the relationship..they would take the initiative to kiss me first..hold my hand first..flirt with me constantly..initiate sex primarily. So I'm used to that. I was always "the girl" But now I feel kind of lost right now in my relationship. Because my girlfriend is kind of a tomboy..but not really. She never initiates anything. I first kissed her. I first held her hand. I first asked her as my girlfriend. I first gave her a nice piece of jewelry. I first initiated sex with her. So this was our first issue...sex..of all things. But things started getting more complicated.. like.. I'd initiate sex and she'd be "too tired" to reciprocate it back..and that would hurt my feelings a lot. Or I'd initiate sex and she'd give it back but her arm was sore so she'd stop before I'd orgasm..or she'd have a headache or some type of excuse where she wouldn't want to have sex. I'd get in a weird mood and take anger and frustrated out on her..which would hurt her. This is because I am a very sexual person and I am not getting sexually what I wanted from her. I wanted a more dominate sexual girl..someone who'd push me against the wall and kiss me passionately..someone who'd turn me over in bed and start making love to me spontaneously.. We'd fight and cry about this issue a lot..and I hated that..because sex should be natural and spontaneous and loving with lots of passion and sparks..with her it always seemed planned..and I'd always initiate..which I thought was why I'd never get off at all with her..or orgasm..because it wasn't how it should be. Because of this reason, I broke up with her for a few weeks..we still dated.. I told her I wanted change. I couldn't understand.. she'd get so frustrated sometimes and that's another thing I wanted to change.. like I'd do nice things and she'd get so angry over nothing or little things and it'd upset and hurt my feelings a lot.

During our "break" we were both depressed. I am in love with her..truly and I wanted to be back with her. Her ex girlfriend whose also her friend (no, there's no chance they're getting back together, they're solely friends) and I talked and she let me vent to her about our problems. She said she had the same problems and she knew the reason why. I asked her and she told me that my girlfriend is "Shy." See, her ex girlfriend is the dominant one..she's butch..and initiates things. But I'm not. The ex told me that she's shy and has low confidence when it comes to those things. But the thing I CAN'T understand is why she's shy with me if she's been with me for almost a year. I want to shake it out of her and wake her up because it's hurting me. She asked me to be her girlfriend again and I accepted..because I love her more than anyone and anything on this world..and I've seen a change with her frustration and attitude..occasionally she gets frustrated over something stupid in which case I back away or I say something and we fight a little but then she owns up to it and apologizes.. Like yesterday for example..we ordered and picked up a pizza..and she was in the kitchen getting plates to set the table..I went in the kitchen to help since I'm the host..and she had three plates in her hand. I replied that we needed 4 because my sister was joining us to eat..in which case she gave me the nastiest look ever..And I snapped back and asked what the hell was her problem. She thought I assumed that she wasn't going to get the other plate..and I said well I just was trying to be helpful and I thought you thought that my sister wasn't going..since she's anorexic and never really eats at the dinner table anyways...so I was just advising you that we needed an extra plate..and while we were arguing our voices got louder..then we stopped when my mom and sister came in the room..and I was sitting there frustrated over the whole thing..ABOUT PLATES.. silly, you know? Later she hugged me and apologized..but I would have rather had an explanation or a further longer apology on why she was saying sorry..not just I'm sorry because she felt like the asshole.

Anyways, the sexual problems are still alive..and it's hurting me. We haven't had sex in months..and I'm a kind of person that likes sex almost every night before I go to bed..or well a few times a week. And I haven't done anything to initiate sex or anything with her because I want her to do that and she knows I want her to do that..and it's making me frustrated because she's not making that move.. the week before I broke up with her was because of a sexual reason too..it was the week after my birthday..we all went out in the city to club.. I got extremely drunk..more drunk than intended..I didn't throw up or anything but my entire body was numb and I couldn't walk or talk or comprehend things very well. We stayed over her brother's apartment. I passed out on the bed..I was so numb I couldn't move. I remember her trying to do things to me..and I woke up sore not knowing why. She later told me she never realized how someone could rape someone..cause she was apparently fingering and doing things to me and I wasn't moving or reacting. NOW, what hurt me the most was that THAT was one of the only times where she tried initiating..when I was so drunk I wouldn't move or respond. It hurt me. She's my girlfriend...she should let me receive love and feel good.

Anyways we're back together like I said. Haven't had sex for months. There were times where we have been alone and she just won't initiate a thing and it's killing me. Some days I have even blurted out..."Babe we haven't had sex in forever" or "babe I'm turned on" And nothing. She told me yesterday I hurt her feelings because while we were laying on the couch and she was kissing my neck..and quickly grabbing me bellow..I told her she was shy. I only did that because when she quickly grabs..it hurts my bellow a lot..like she doesn't even touch me correctly? She grabs so quickly it like makes me hurt. because it's rushed because she's shy..and kissing my neck..that turns me on a lot..like really badly..and I know she wasn't going to follow through with anything sexually because my sister was in the room with us and my mother was also home..I live in a one floor thin walled apartment with my mother for now..so I knew she couldn't do anything sexual if she even tried that day..so her "teasing" me was making me frustrated even more.

I don't get why she is shy with me.. and I don't know how to communicate this more to her even though she already knows it all because I have told her how I feel..it hurts her every time we talk about this..because "she knows but she doesn't act" I really don't know what to do. She says she's shy because her ex was her first girlfriend..but like I've only had one other girlfriend myself..and I was always the submissive just like she was always the submissive with her ex. And I've thrown so much effort in.. I just want it returned.. In every other way she is the best girlfriend I've ever had...she wants to save me from my abusive family..give me a place to stay with her..provide for me..and love me. It's just this one problem in the way. And this is a huge problem for me because I'm extremely sexual..ever since I was a little girl I have been..well because of abuse..but I just want that love returned..I want her to initiate without me hinting..or flirting or helping her get into it. Is it possible? I want to have faith in her.

There are no perfect relationships. Every relationship takes committment to work on it, from both partners. It sounds to me that you are willing to do the work, and she just is not. It sounds like you have grown in this relationship, you stepped over your limitations, stretched yourself, and that is wonderful.

You can accept things as they are. Perhaps you can find another dimension of yourself by further exploring being the take-charge partner, even though this is not where you started at all. Is your lack of enjoyment caused by the underlying resentment, a "I shouldn't be the one initiating it, she should"? If you imagine not having such a thought, can you see something exciting there for you?

When status-quo, is no any longer acceptable, usually one party in a relationship ends up issuing an ultimatum, a soft one, one starting with "I love you, and I want to stay with you, but..." Faced with possibility of losing you, she may agree to work on things with you, to make relationship better for both of you. Things that you want don't sound that impossible at all. Maybe you two can find a good book on how to make a relationship grow. Most are written for heterosexual couples, but don't be put off by that, one that I found quite good, came as a recommendation from my friends, who are a lesbian couple.

If she won't or can't, even though she loves you, and you love her, it may be time to part ways. You will not be able to stay forever in a relationship that just does not work for you, and sooner or later you will have to leave.

Breaking up, if that's what it comes to, IS painful. Everyone who's ever done it will attest to it. It is easier if things deteriorate to the point where you can't stand the other person, mush easier to walk away when the parting words are "I hate you, and hope I'll never see you again", rather than "I love you, and I will always love you, and it breaks my heart that things can't work between us"

I wish you the best.

As Sunna said, there are no perfect relationships. It is very rare for a couple not to have sexual issues to some degree. So this is not unique to your relationship. I am truly sorry that you are going through this but it is fixable. Honest communication will fix this. “It hurts my feelings when…” “I would feel more desired if…”

As to your questions about how your girlfriend could still be shy or insecure with you after a year. Lord have mercy! There are things that are still sexual issues that are extremely difficult for my husband and I to discuss and we have been married for 25 years! I love him and trust him more than anyone in the world. But when it comes to sexuality, we are hesitant because we don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings. And hearing about it certainly makes us sensitive.

Sexual issues are fixable, but when there are hard feelings or resentment that will bleed over to every aspect of your life. If you hear (regardless of what was said) that your partner is not enjoying sex with you, you tend to be a little more sensitive to the little things.

The game you’re playing waiting for her to initiate sex is hurting you both. If that’s what you want to do that is fine, just remember you cannot be angry with her for the lack of sex when you haven’t made an attempt. What I am saying is sounds like you are playing the mind reading game. Inferring things that are not necessarily true, and expecting her to know things that she may not.

You can be right or you can be happy. To be happy you do whatever you can to establish the healthiest, happiest relationship you can.

On a side note, try teaching her how you would rather be touched. Maybe previous partners like to be touched that way. Good Luck!

et me get this straight your partners arm hurts and all you can think about is she stopped before you reached the climatic moment...

sorry but got to say it, why does she have to place herself in physical pain so that you can orgasm. do you have hands or a pelvis that can grind on other things than your partners arm /hand? what did you do to satify your self before you had this girl for a sex partner?

my point is the ladies arm physically hurts and you are upset about not being able to reach an orgasm..

when my partner tells me a part of her body hurts, it doesnt matter if its a cold, flu or muscle aches from sex.. we stop and make sure my partner is ok and if not does this pain my partner has need a doctors appointment.

it is abuse to expect a loved one to not address their pain regardless of whats going on and what caused that pain.

your partner is doing the right thing by stopping when her arm hurts. sure you dont get off this way but by paying attention to when her body is saying no more she is actually preventing permanent damage to her muscles and bones. if she didnt stop she could pull her muscles, tear ligaments, sprain her arm, end up with arthritis... any number of problems..

so my suggestion to you on taking it personally when your partner has to stop pleasing you to take care of herself and her body is --try to not be so selfish and one track minded. think about your partner and her physical health..

that said -

not everyone is cut out for fetish type relationships like domination/submissive type relationships.

it could be she wants a more normal traditional what ever word you want to use type relationship where both parties are equals in all ways, where neither one is more dominate than the other, neither is more submissive than the other.

some people actually consider relationships where one partner pushes/slams/ forces another against a wall and pushes/forces a kiss upon another, taking a partner suddenly during resting or during sleep, by suddenly rolling them over and going at it is abusive.

Some girls are taught from a young age that "good little girls dont touch, nor initiate sex," so it might be what you are demanding of her goes against her core beliefs of what a good non abusive relationship is all about.

how about a suggestion - maybe you can try sitting down with her and discussing things at a time when neither of you are trying to get sex or avoiding it. when neither of you are fighting. during a moment when all is well and calm with you both and just being yourselves.

Discuss it not in terms of what you want from her, but what is good for the both of you.

another suggestion - try going back to the basics of love where everything is on equal ground with you both.

(you werent being slammed against a wall when you first met her and fell in love with her right)..

go back to those days of being kind to each other, compliment each other, tell each other your likes and dislikes on all kinds of things... have romance back in your life and leave the sex problems alone for the moment. when its the right time for you both it will happen.

basically what Im suggesting is put your fetish of needing to be dominated by her on hold for a bit,

try give her a chance to start over and move at a slower pace, give her a chance to learn about what it is to love another person in a kind and gentile relationship.

then when the two of you are back on track make suggestions that leave the door open for her thoughts and reactions and yes so she can say no without you taking it personally. a non abusive sex life is one where either one can say no at any time and any place even in the middle of the act.

maybe you can say something along the lines of -- I was wondering what you thought of us trying something like -------------.

then really listen to why she likes or doesnt like the idea and why she wants to or doesnt want to do what ever was asked.

most people in good, non abusive relationships first talk about things in great detail before they jump right in pushing / slamming or forcing a partner into heavy kissing, fondling and intercourse, against walls, on the floor, tables, or in bed (or anywhere else desired LOL)

most people in good and non abusive relationships talk about things like -

what each partner thinks of that issue
whether one or the other or both would like to try it.
never entering into a fetish (in this case one partner dominate and the other submissive) moment until both parties consent to it.
how to do it in a safe manner
both partners using a safe word that would signal when either one needs to stop.

By the way real true love isnt about the sex nor the hard passionate kissing. its about what you feel for each other.. things like not ever wanting any harm to come to the one you love, its about not caring whether you reached the top tonight all that matters is the person you love and whether they are ok, its not about being pushed up against a wall and kissed hard and heavey like in the movies. its about being ok with taking it slow and easy, cleaning up that messy toilet when the partner barfs with the flu, its about being ok with just laying next to each other without having sex because your partner cant go that route tonight. its about being ok with your partner not wanting sex because they are too tired and not taking their no as a rejection of you...

those things like heavy passionate kissing, being pushed /slammed against a wall... thats called lust not love.

my suggestion take time to find love and never let lust rule the day or night. relationships built on lust dont usually last, relationships built on love is where its at. lust can always wait and can come back another day, once love is lost theres no getting it back.

Okay, I definitely had to take a day to consider and take this post in. When I first told my best friend about my sexual problems, she had the same reaction that amandalouise had. It's understandable. But the way I wrote this..things can be misinterpreted because you aren't in my shoes and don't understand how I feel or how she feels. The whole story is different when you experience it. When I said her arm "hurt" I didn't mean like extreme physical pain that needed to be addressed right away. I meant that within like a few seconds of her touching me she got "tired" and she's admitted to being lazy. She'd spend hours teasing me..fore playing but when it came to the actual sex part it's like everything haulted..and by that point I was extremely turned on and in MY opinion, I don't think that's fair to me. Of course if my partner was in physical pain I wouldn't be selfish and angry with her stopping because I would be concerned about her well being. Do not assume I am a selfish person. I am not. I whenever I have sex actually have pain every time because I have carpal tunnel and it hurts my wrist in any position that I do. But I continue because that's natural. It's natural for your arm to get a little tired because sex is a workout. It makes it more passionate when you continue even when your loosing your breath and you breathe harder. I have addressed every concern that my partner has had. But it always seemed like something was wrong..then it got addressed by a doctor and nothing was wrong. She was fine. I didn't want to assume she was just making excuses up to not be physical with me completely..because she'd fore play so I didn't understand why she couldn't follow through with what was started. I don't abuse my girlfriend if that's what you are getting at...that's actually insulting to me for you to even think such a thing and to write it on here. I don't think what she has been doing is right at all and she even feels bad because she knows it's not right. I don't take anything out on her..or make her feel miserable for not doing what she hasn't done, that is abuse. Not what I do.

I'm not asking for her to be the dominant one ALWAYS. I'm asking for her to take a little more initiative in our relationship. For me not to always be that one in the relationship to do everything that is romantic. I want equality in our relationship. I'm not into fettishes. I'm into fairness. We both want a traditional relationship but right now that is not what it is and that's what makes ME feel lost. Understand? Our relationship has taught me to become someone who I originally never thought I could be..someone dominant..but I'm not used to that..I want equality. Neither of us find actions like pushing each other into a wall..or pinning each other down as abusive..because it's between US. It's romantically sparked and started. I HAVE been abused. I've been pushed into walls. Slapped. Humiliated. I've been sexually abused. I KNOW what abuse is and that is most certainly not what is here. There are no religious ties with how we feel or act either, we are both non religious women and we know each others beliefs. They have nothing to do with this. What the problem is here is a confidence problem, not a philosophical/ religious one.

Anyways, with that said..because this post angered me. We did sit down and talk about it. When both calm. I talked about what I need from a basic relationship. Which is what I give to her. We still are IN those days where we compliment one another and say simple things..we still have romance..you know why? Because love never dies.

See I don't like having to say..hey baby, let's try this tonight. Or I don't like ALWAYS initiating things. I do often. I'm a very sexual person. and I've always been because of the abuse I've suffered. Sex is natural. Spontaneous. Passionate. It just happens. It doesn't happen because you asked "can we try this" or "can we have sex" That's just not natural. I go against that. That takes any spark away from anything that happens for me at least. My woman loves sex. I never hurt her. If she didn't want to have sex then she'd say so and I respect that and don't get angry. I'm talking about the times where she obviously WANTS to have sex..teases me for hours and then decides to go to bed because I didn't initiate anything. That is wrong! Sorry, I think so and so does my therapist and other people who I know. We are NOT in an abusive relationship. We always talk about how we both feel. Which is why she has known that this is wrong because I obviously don't feel desired when this happens.

By the way, I know what true love is. I know what lust is as well. I don't need it to be defined here. I simply asked for advice solely. True love are the simple things that many lack to appreciate. What I've mentioned and what you've mentioned..sex..is just one passionate way where two people who truly love each other express their love for one another. And sex is a really important factor in MY relationship because it shows close connection, trust and faith. I don't need "time" to find love. It's already been found. What I crave is not lust. It's passion in MY relationship.

But thank you for the advice. The other day she actually did initiate. Yes what we talked about did have an impact. She knows I've been hurting because I don't feel as desired in our relationship. Then yesterday I told her that I love her, that she means the world to me and that I don't know where I'd be without her and that she's done so much for me, that I'm grateful and that I appreciate everything she does and that no matter what I feel strongly for her and that I don't need "proof" or sex to know that. If that's how I "came off" Just by reading you're response that's how it seemed to come off. WHICH is NOT how I intended it to. We both have learned to be more confident in our relationship. Good communication is key. And hell, I'll be as honest as they come. I'm not "holding back" any feeling I feel. I know how I feel and that's going to be addressed because if I feel unhappy about something in a relationship it's going to be addressed and hopefully fixed over time. So I'm going with my own advice on this one.

Thanks for the added info.I dont have a problem with what brings you pleasure, experimenting, and delving into fetishes (by that term here where I live fetishes is anything that is not traditional one on one gentle and loving sex between two consenting adults. examples of fetishes around here are swinging, BDSM, Dominate/submissive, things that are not the typical encounters type things, having one partner push another agaisnt a wall or take them during sleep suddenly is considered fetishes around here where I live)

Im not agaisnt people needing something different than the typical things.

my problem is where I stand no means no, regardless of reason why a partner needs to or wants to stop they have that right to do so,

here in NY if a partner feels they must continue when they are tired, or in pain or just because they dont want to thats called rape, molestation, sodomy (and other terms depending upon the act being done) by coercion (against your will, influenced by someone elses needs, wants, desires and possible fear of retrabution or harm)

I know it can be frustrating to have someone to mess around with and then smack dab in the middle of things say no time to stop. but the law says no means no around here. when one partner says no more thats it, its not held against the one calling stop. no matter the reason, laziness included. the law says no is no. and I perceived your post about that part being very selfish and possible danger to the partner. Im a rape crisis therapist and when I see something that rings those danger signs I dont make allowances for those putting the partner or acquaintence in such a position.

To you it may seem like laziness on her part and yea she may have told you shes lazy but the law says that doesnt matter.

I know feelings wise on your end it doesnt feel so hot for it to keep happening this way.

you also have the right to say no, stop dont do this.

if you dont want her to start heating things up with hours of foreplay tell her no. get up and walk away, find something else to do other than sex at that moment.

if she needs a reason (and the law says you dont have to have a reason but if you feel you need to give her one) you can say to her - its called molestation when another person touches someone in private places without their permission. Stop touching me without my permission.

she doesnt need to continue beyond what she wants to do.
you dont need to continue when she starts things with you.

thats how you make a relationship where both sides are equal - by talking about things before doing them and stopping when things dont feel right, stopping when ever either side says no more and not holding it against each other just because one or the other says no more right now.

here in NY state - no means no (regardless of the reason) or it becomes a crime if one is forced to, coerced to or out of fear feels they must continue.

you can check the laws concerning sexual relations in your area by contacting any police department, mental health provider, medical health provider...

Thanks. Trust me I know the law very well. I'm a criminal justice major. I know rules and regulations. What's criminal, negligent and whatnot. I agree..and sometimes I do get up and walk away when things get heated and I know she won't follow through. I know "No" is no.The thing is. She isn't saying no I don't want to have sex. I'd totally respect that. There are times where she has said that and same with me and we respect that. I'm not one to like need sex every night and if I don't get it I'll be pissed. That's wrong. I just know that when we're heated and things get hot and she doesn't follow through it's not because she doesn't want sex..it's just because she's shy to initiate. She does want sex in these "moments" Trust me, I know she does haha. But she just doesn't pull through. I'm always the one to usually start it or show some passion or emotion. She's been working on it though and I saw some change last time I saw her. So all in all when the moment's right it'll happen that's all I need to know and believe in.

And usually whenever she'd say she's tired or lazy..which was really back in the day when our sexual problems were at a peak, she'd look at me and know she messed up. Because she'd still want sex. I'd still have sex with her but I'd just let her receive and then I'd try and fall asleep while turned on the whole night because I never received. It's not that she was tired so she didn't want to have sex at all completely in that moment. It's because she just didn't have the umph to give..like her arm was out of shape or something. I don't know how else to explain it ahaha. I started lifting weights because yeah fingering is a workout..and I had never known because I had never been a giver ever in a relationship. So mid-sex..yeah my arm feels tired and I feel like I can't go all the way, but I always do. Your arm gets stronger every time you give it a go. And lifting weights definitely made me more stronger to be able to have better sex. Well working out in general helps.

But yeah. Now I handle it where...if she starts to touch me or do anything minor sexual..I usually get up unless she does follow through. Because I can't just be "fooled" around with. The thing is I love spontaneous sex. So sometimes, asking whether she'll follow through or not ruins whatever spontaneity there was.

I guess I have a little problem with your situation because I feel that you have this perfect sex scenario in your head, and that if anything doesn't follow that scenario perfectly, then the sex is ruined. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand your frustration, but at the same time...

My fiance and I are a heterosexual couple, and I sometimes have the same problem with him that you have with your girlfriend (it has nothing to do with gender). He really doesn't like initiating either. And frequently, we'll initiate in different ways. What I see as starting something doesn't always come across as starting something to him. This can lead to us getting frustrated with the other because we'll both be like "Didn't you get the signal I wanted to fool around tonight?" It's especially frustrating when we both want to, but our signals just didn't make sense to the other person, and we both missed it. So, yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from. I also get the whole feeling less desired, less wanted that goes with someone who doesn't like to initiate (It doesn't help that I have a higher sex drive than him; he also puts more importance on cuddling and simply being close. Seriously, if he got his cuddles every night, he'd probably be fine with sex once every two weeks).

But I've come to realize that if I just hold out on him, waiting for him to make a move, I'm essentially shooting myself in the foot. Now, if I really want some, I know I have to go after it myself and make things painfully obvious, aka, I just get in bed naked. It works! Another thing I do, which took some time for me to be okay with the idea, is accepting the fact that I need to be obvious, and say "Hey, wanna make out?" or "Sex tonight?" I know it takes the "romance" out of it, but it's not unnatural. I also don't think it ruins the spontaneity. You're spontaneously asking for it, and it can still be passionate. What's better is you don't set yourself up for painful disappointment later.

I'm glad that you were able to talk to your girlfriend. Perhaps you could suggest going to the gym together or just going out for exercise together (walks, bike rides, hit a tennis ball back and forth). The more you fight about it or rant/rave/complain about it, the less often it'll happen (trust me, I've been there). I think you both need to be open to change in this situation. She has to push herself to initiate more (or initiate in a way you understand), but you also have to be willing to pull away from your perfect scenario and blatantly ask for what you want.

I think you two can move past this, you both just have to be willing to bend a little and change up the roles you're comfortable with. I've personally been meaning to check out the book, The Five Love Languages, or whatever it's called, because I feel like this boils down to a different way of expressing love. I haven't done so yet, but it's on my to do list.