Which comes first, having good self-esteem or doing things to build your self-esteem? I guess they're both important, but I'm starting to think you can't do good unless you first believe that you are good.

We have a grand old tradition in my family of origin of withholding praise for fear of giving someone a big head. For most of my life, I think I internalized that behavior completely. After every achievement, I would say to myself, "Nope, not good enough yet."

After a while, I began to believe that no amount of good deeds would get me the pat on the head I was looking for. What's happened is that, instead of pursuing positive goals to win my own approval as well as that of others, I came to believe I was no good, and I went and did things to try to prove that instead.

Then, when I decided to change my ways, I really overcompensated and wore myself out trying to prove how good I was, hoping that I'd eventually believe it myself if I just worked hard enough. Just had a good chat with a guy at another site about all this, and now I'm going to try to operate from the premise that I'm good to begin with, and I don't need to pile on the accolades to prove to myself and others what I'm worth.

My fear for most of my life was that holding myself in high esteem would lead me to become lazy and complacent, and to not care much about others. I felt that I would work harder if I felt myself unworthy of the goals I was pursuing. I found instead that all my fears came true when I held myself in low regard, and then some. Not only did I become lazy, complacent, and uncaring, I did things to try to silence the voice in my head that said I was no good, the voice I felt I had to hear. The voice of my stern, disapproving ancestors. I think they were all in survival mode.

So, really, that approach didn't work at all. I don't know why anyone in my family ever thought it would. Maybe it did at one time. I'm trying something different now. Not an in-your-face, how-ya-like-me-now kind of confidence, more just like, whatever happens happens kind of thing, and I will be fine regardless. I am going to try not blaming myself for every bad thing that happens in this world. I did not start the Middle East conflict.

If I mess up, I'll try to make it right. The old me would have said I can only do bad things, so there's no way I can fix it, whatever it is. This new guy can say, "I'll do my best, we'll work it out, I'm sure we can come up with something."

Maybe there is a proper time for being self-critical, but I don't think it can go on forever. If it does, when someone gives you even the tiniest bit of praise, THAT'S when it goes to your head.

This new approach still feels a little weird, but good. Maybe there's a break-in period, like with new shoes.