Recently I have been drinking a little more than usual. By this I mean normally I don't drink at all except for a few occassions a year and then it is one drink. I have over the past month had as many drinks as I would in a year. A glass of wine here, a Margherita there and still only one drink at a time.

Lately I feel a craving for a drink during the day. We have several bottles of wine in the kitchen that haven't been touched for years and lately I have wanted to open one and drink it all.
I don't know if I am explaining this well or not, but it is something that never used to happen.

I used to get drunk in college every weekend and I was the life of the party. I had all the ideas, I had the best conversational skills, I fit in with everyone, and they all wanted to be with me (at least that's what I thought when drunk) The first time I drank I ws afraid to have my own cup of beer so I went around asking people for a sip and drank out of cups that people left around. It was the first time I felt drunk and I loved it. The next day I woke up with no hangover and thought I got away with it with no consequences. A month later I had mono, but I didn't make the connection.

Sophomore year I was drinking every weekend, still with what I thought were no consequences, until I got a little too close to a guy. It was all very innocent, but then my friend took me into the bathroom and told me that I needed to back off from him because I was being inappropriate. The next day she told me that I was making out with him. I still, to this day don't remember it. After winter break my group of friends found out that he had committed suicide. It hit me hard. After that I still did the weekend parties, but at one point I felt a little scared because it was all I could think about once Thursday came around. Eventually, I scared myself into thinking that the drinking was getting out of hand and I pretty much stopped, except for occassionally. I never craved it, and I stopped partying. I didn't miss it, didn't need it.

I went through lots of bipolar stuff back then too, but didn't have a diagnosis and had no idea and no self awareness.

What I am wondering about now is why I am craving it 17 years later? I know I am not drinking all that much, but I feel almost compelled to open a bottle almost every day. I don't do it though because I have to drive my kids around and I need to be sober for that.

Can someone give me some insight?