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Ygrec23 · Sep 23, 2011, 05:09 PM

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Originally Posted by HalfSwede

Which comes first, having good self-esteem or doing things to build your self-esteem? I guess they're both important, but I'm starting to think you can't do good unless you first believe that you are good.

It's a chicken-egg problem, Swede. Don't fool yourself. That's the kind of logical trap everyone's unconscious adores playing games with. What do you do? I'll tell you: You just hunker down and spend all your guts "doing good" without thinking about whether or not you first believe you're good. Your unconscious can play games. It's up to you to tell it to cut the crap and then do what you have to do.

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We have a grand old tradition in my family of origin of withholding praise for fear of giving someone a big head. For most of my life, I think I internalized that behavior completely. After every achievement, I would say to myself, "Nope, not good enough yet."

Maybe. Maybe not. You know, everyone can construct good story lines. I mean, every single homo sapiens does cause and effect really beautifully. It's inherited. Even if it ain't so.

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After a while, I began to believe that no amount of good deeds would get me the pat on the head I was looking for. What's happened is that, instead of pursuing positive goals to win my own approval as well as that of others, I came to believe I was no good, and I went and did things to try to prove that instead.

I don't buy it, Swede. It doesn't feel right. It feels too cut and dried, too Sunday School, too 19th Century. I'm not at all down on you in any way. My little binswanger just tells me that you're trying a bit too hard to be credible.

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Then, when I decided to change my ways, I really overcompensated and wore myself out trying to prove how good I was, hoping that I'd eventually believe it myself if I just worked hard enough. Just had a good chat with a guy at another site about all this, and now I'm going to try to operate from the premise that I'm good to begin with, and I don't need to pile on the accolades to prove to myself and others what I'm worth.

That sounds reasonable. I'm all for it. You probably ARE good to begin with, and do not need to pile on the accolades. Just be you and don't try too hard. Be the good guy you really are. You really DON'T have to finesse everything. You're a decent, intelligent, perhaps mildly but not terribly neurotic, educated guy from a good background who's very much up to doing pretty much anything he's tasked to do! No kidding!

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So, really, that approach didn't work at all. I don't know why anyone in my family ever thought it would. Maybe it did at one time. I'm trying something different now. Not an in-your-face, how-ya-like-me-now kind of confidence, more just like, whatever happens happens kind of thing, and I will be fine regardless. I am going to try not blaming myself for every bad thing that happens in this world. I did not start the Middle East conflict.

It sure sounds like you're on the right track now! And yes, ALL of our families bring GENERATIONS of ethnic mental hangups to bear on every new baby. I'm sure you got the full dose, like almost all of us. Which is one of the truly great things about this country. Right now you have half Filipino (Americans)/half Jewish (Americans) marrying half Scots-Irish (Americans)/half Portuguese (Americans). And that's just in MY family. From the point of view of future mental health, I think it's great!

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If I mess up, I'll try to make it right. The old me would have said I can only do bad things, so there's no way I can fix it, whatever it is. This new guy can say, "I'll do my best, we'll work it out, I'm sure we can come up with something." This new approach still feels a little weird, but good. Maybe there's a break-in period, like with new shoes.

Lad, you ARE on the right track! My hat's off to you! You've got it now! My money says you and yours are going to be fine! Great to make your acquaintance! Take care!