Hi Rainbow,

I feel for you because you are in an endless turmoil which you feel you can't get out of. But the good news is that you can.

I don't know what pushed your therapist's buttons, perhaps something you said in the email to her but as most people have said, you need to ask her.

The ironic thing is, the thing you want most - to feel cared for and have a good relationship with your therapist - is what you are pushing further and further away.

I know you cannot switch off your feelings but I think you need to sit with them more, esp the uncomfortable ones and not act one them, at least not without waiting 24 hours to think it over. This way you won't send impulsive emails that you regret (hopefully).It will be painful but learning to push yourself this way will hopefully lessen your amount of distressful interactions with your T.

Your T definately cares but she can only take so much or the ' I love you, I hate you' behaviour which you aim at her. Put yourself in her position hun.
I know it hurts to know you can't have what you want from your Therapist but wouldn't it be good to at least get the best that is possible from your professional relationship with her? Perhaps thats what you need to think about and aim for.