I know what it can be like - or similar, anyway. I think it's different for all of us.

I get 'trapped in disturbing dreams that I can't wake from. It used to be that I would jolt awake if the content got too screwed-up, like my brain would go, "Okay, this is too much!" and flick a switch. But nowadays I don't wake, and I'm forced to watch. One that springs to mind is people being burned alive (looong before Torchwood had the idea). It was horrific.

I think about SI all the time, and I also have 'fantasies' about taking it too far. I don't think fantasy is the right word, but daydream doesn't sound right either. It's not something I want to happen, but I imagine it, and then get caught up in it - cutting too much so that it becomes dangerous, having to call my mum or a friend and explain that I've had an accident, etc.

And like you, I am exasperated by the seeming lack of urgency within my healthcare system. Six weeks and no word from them. I could be dead for all they know.

Sending lots of hugs your way. I hope they give you the help you need soon xxx