Really down

**Don't read if you are sui or sensitive to blood.**


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Having disturbing dreams I usually can't wake from. They're just awful. Can't even tell you the details.

Depressed during the day and not always about the dreams. Having visions of cutting my throat or stabbing myself through the arm out the other side with my pen. See myself dying most of the day. Trying to stay busy. I think I'm in a mixed episode. I have contacted my MH team. They are putting off helping me. I started asking for help last Wednesday. They say, "The doctor will be in on Tuesday and we'll discuss your meds with her then." Or, "I have no openings until next Wednesday for a therapy session." And, "There's always the ER."

It's totally frustrating! I feel terrible and I have to go to work today. I don't want to wind up in the hospital. I'm not going to harm myself, it's just these thoughts and dreams are driving me mad and making me afraid to sleep.

Someone please help! I need some support. Does anyone know what this is like? Hugs are welcome.

((((((Thinker)))))) I don't have any answers and I have not been there, it sounds awful, and I am so sorry you have to wait for help, that is ridiculous. I hope you can hang in there a few more days.

I know what this is like. I didnt dream it though. I would just get images of myself doing things like that. Like a movie in front of my eyes. It didnt seem like it was coming from me. Like someone was telling me to do it. Weird part is , i really never wanted to do it
Just some part of me does i dont know about. It is exhausying and scary fighting it. Sorry you are going through this.

Awww hun, i kn0w exhausting this is. I hope you get adequate help SO0N! XOXO, Will keep you in prayer...

I know what it can be like - or similar, anyway. I think it's different for all of us.

I get 'trapped in disturbing dreams that I can't wake from. It used to be that I would jolt awake if the content got too screwed-up, like my brain would go, "Okay, this is too much!" and flick a switch. But nowadays I don't wake, and I'm forced to watch. One that springs to mind is people being burned alive (looong before Torchwood had the idea). It was horrific.

I think about SI all the time, and I also have 'fantasies' about taking it too far. I don't think fantasy is the right word, but daydream doesn't sound right either. It's not something I want to happen, but I imagine it, and then get caught up in it - cutting too much so that it becomes dangerous, having to call my mum or a friend and explain that I've had an accident, etc.

And like you, I am exasperated by the seeming lack of urgency within my healthcare system. Six weeks and no word from them. I could be dead for all they know.

Sending lots of hugs your way. I hope they give you the help you need soon xxx

So VERY many thinker!!!
Sorry to say I'm not far off from what you describe... Fortunately I was only plagued for 2 days by the most horrific nightmares I've ever had, and even that short an amount of time made me afraid to go to sleep. Can scarcely imagine what that would be like for as many as you have had. Being haunted by visions during the day sucks too (mine have been different, but would, at the very least, be considered disturbing...That they don't disturb me is probably a very bad sign...)
All of what you describe is a horrible place to be. Exhausting too. I hope they can get you in for an appt. very soon. and lots of to you!
Keep us posted, ok?

(I did manage to get an appt. for tomorrow (suspect she leaves gaps for such things, very smart) and DEARLY wish I could bring you along...)

Thanks to all for your thoughts and hugs and words of comfort. I'm sad and at the same time warmed that I'm not the only one who's gone/is going through these things. You're all so kind to me. I feel like I don't deserve that. But then, I hate myself for every tiny mistake I've ever made in my life even if no one else thinks it's a mistake.

Made it through work somehow, but I'm exhausted, stressed and tense. I'm drinking to try to relax. Will not sleep though. Can not sleep. No more dreams.

School tomorrow. I'll probably leave early and get docked. Feel like crying but can't.

Hugs to everyone.

Depression is off the charts today. Haven't been this bad since July 2010 and it's been climbing toward this...peak? Maybe I haven't peaked yet, though. The ceiling feels like it's about to crash in on me.

Thinker!!! My Friend, Im soo sorry your going through this, giving you a big hug, and im thinking of you, i wish i new how to help, i hope you feel better really soon! Please let me inow how your doing,,,

Will be okay FH. Don't worry. If I need to, I'll go to the hospital.

Praying for you
I used to get really strong images and dreams of self harm, its really not nice... it will get better. Lithium helped for me. some of the meds affect dreams, have you changed any recently or missed any doses. If I miss my Effexor it messes up my dreams.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this hun! I get exactly that- awful visions of harming myself that get worse and worse but I really struggle not to do it!

Please, please keep on at them! Have you described to them exactly how you're feeling/ what you're experiencing? They really should get you seen asap! Put it back onto them and say you're getting worse and worse and make them give you that appointment!!!

Good luck! And loads of hugs

The nurse or p-doc is supposed to get back to me today, but I think (with the help of someone on this site) we've discovered the culprit. It's called Inderal (propopanol or some weird other spelling) and I started it a few weeks ago or less. One of its side effects is vivid dreams and another is depression. I can't believe they didn't know this when they started me on it. My depression is through the roof and I'm afraid to sleep. Anyways, you know who you are. Big thanks and a hug for helping me figure this out. I removed all the little blue pills from my pills sorter and replaced them with the old drug I had been using with which nothing was wrong! Hope I don't experience any withdrawals today. Too much to do with school, etc.

to all

YAY! So glad you found the culprit. Hope you feel better so0n!

oh thinker I hope that works! Keep us posted! I hope you can sleep now and feel better soon.

Still feeling good. Fingers crossed no bad dreams tonight.

Yea thinker!!!!! Fingers crossed here too!

No bad dreams last night. Yay!

I am glad things are getting better for you!

I have had the visions too and they are horrible. They are similar to yours and the impulse to act was strong. I started going too far and doing minor self injuries. I was in mixed episodes when these visions happened. I have been in the hospital 6 times and 5 of them were due to these visions. It feels like a slideshow in my brain. I was put on Risperdone at the hospital last time and it seems to have done the trick. I am not sure if I am staying on it because of side effects, but I will talk to my pdoc soon and we will decide.

Sorry you had to go through that BNLsMOM. It's a terrible thing when our thoughts are so loud and vivid that the only way we can imagine making them stop is to just do the thing we're shown or told to do. It's terrible. I'm glad you had some relief with your latest med.

I'm doing fine still.

Yea, fine! Wishing you continued good stuff, thinker!

Still doing good, no bad dreams 3 nights in a row.

You guys are so supportive. Big hugs

Have to practice my ppt presentation and then it's off to school.

Hope things ease up for you. Do you have a dog or cat? Thats what heps me, is hugging my dog or petting my cat. Sending you hugs.

Are you a writer? Suicide by pen sounds as if you're giving up on getting thoughts expressed or communications connected with their target & you're ready to bail.

Forgive me if I'm waaaay off. I'm coming in late & trying to catch up. But the pen image was so familiar ro me, one so often in my own dreams/nightmares. It's for me worse than writer's block, it's ultimate failure.

So do we have this in common? (((Pen-dreamer)))

And it comes for me when I've invested my final hope in my writing.