Vibe,
I know I talked alot about structure here, I just wanted you to find your way to manage YOU so that you don't get overwhelmed. You mentioned your thought about SI and that often comes from being overwhelmed and pushing without the comfort of structure. No matter what you want to be please keep that in mind. It is really not as hard as one thinks to develope structure to you and your life. It can always start off small and you, yourself can add more as you learn.

What I tried to do is give you a lot of examples of how structure is the key to comfort and the chaos that happens without it, something we often do not realize.
Even with a menatal illness or issue of somekind you can find comfort by thinking about how you can structure your life a little at a time. Dont think of it as abiding by the structures of others that may not work for you, it is about developing your own sense of it and growing with it that will help you overcome all those other emotions, stress, anxiety, and SI because those come when we stray away from structure to chaos. And we often just do not realize it. It can be that hidden agenda that we are not consciously aware of, but we feel something is missing and because we don't see what is missing we feel useless and so misguided. It requires you to look within yourself and learn what kind of stucture you would flourish in and what you need within that structure. When you go to school and learn, think about what you are learning and how it is going to help you personally instead of trying to make the grade for just a system. If you were to pick up a book of your choice, that would be for you, something you want to experience and learn on your own. Well, the same is true of education and taking courses, it is about you and filling your needs, nothing more.

You ask is it worth it, but you are also expressing that you are pushing yourself and feeling like you are being driven and are you going to push through it. You are trying to keep up with something and afraid if you may not be able to handle some kind of other structure that has a lot to it, not your own structure.

I just want you to really think about your own structure that you personally take on with each thing you venture into, that is what is going to bring you more comfort than anything else. And your not alone in your questions Vibe, all students worry about this as they enter into different curriculims and wonder if they are going to get swept away or will fail somehow. That is when you need to slow down and think about your own personal way of structuring that experience and that you can really do that. And the personal pleasure is learning about how you personally can navagate your way, as everyone developes their own style.

For example: My own daughter had to learn that when she entered college and she was a bit overwhelmed, however the other girls in her dorm were also overwhelmed.
Slowly my daughter thought out her own way to structure and navagate her way through her coarse load, because she had learned this at home and in high school.
So she picked up her own way of structure that she had used before and settled in.
She actually had to help the other girls do the same and they all began to settle in.
And the one thing she did do is talk to them about how they personally found their way in the past and how they could add to that. And in her dorm room each of the girls began to practice their own style of structure and it was kind of interesting to see, because they were all unique, however someone gave them permission to be just that, so they settled down.

I am trying to do that for you Vibe. I know its there and you can do it, it all about how YOU can take whatever it is your learning or whatever schedule is there and use your own unique way of progressing through it. That is how you do it, and if your not exactly sure, take time out and plan how YOU can personally structure it for YOU. And by doing that you will slowly take off the pressure. Your unique Vibe and part of the gain is finding your own unique way to apply whatever it is you learn. You need to give yourself permission to find you and not allow yourself to say you cant do life, thats not fair to you, because you can, it has to be Your own way and you can find that, give yourself permission to do that Vibe.

Open Eyes