Comfort or Accomplishment?

I’ve been wondering lately about the choices I’ve made – that we’ve all made in life. About priorities. My health, my family’s well-being, doing something meaningful in this world. I have done a lot of nothing but being broken and doing pretty much nothing but feeling horrible in this life. Simple tasks in life can effect me to such a horrible extent that I am naturally very non-functional. But I knew I had to make choices, and what seemed a good idea turned out to be one of the most difficult programs I could have chosen. My anxiety, which is often an issue but not my biggest one, now gets no lower than a 4 or 5 and I’m pre-hypertensive. I’m currently running on pure determination. A week ago I was to the point where I was shaking, not sleeping because I was past the point of exhaustion, vomiting, and losing pieces of myself. I hadn’t eaten a real meal in weeks and could feel my body screaming at me for it. The thing is, this program only gets more and more difficult. Each week is literally harder than the previous, and each semester five to ten times more difficult than the one before. I’m still feeling bad, but starting to come back to myself.

And I’m alive. I’m still going – in fact, I’m considered to be doing well. The work is paying off. When I graduate, I will have options. My family, which is struggling, will not have to support me. I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day. I still don’t know how often I’ll be able to work full time, but damn, I’m accomplishing something.

To those who have chosen a similar path – was it worth it? Same question to those who haven’t. I considered going on disability – still might have to at some point. But I want to be self-sufficient, even if I don’t live the most comfortable (or longest) of lives. I want my dignity. I don’t want my lover to be stuck trying to support me. Or other taxpayers who work long hours and are struggling, but don’t get the luxury of such support.

I know I’m best off when I eat right, sleep right, exercise appropriately, don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and live on an extremely steady routine without stress. I did all this for awhile, but the demands of the program have changed things. I can’t afford – primarily with time – to do the first, second, third, fourth or last of these. I could live in a small cottage the rest of my days surrounded by nothing but tranquility. But I want to see the world. Even if I wake up screaming and have to fend off hallucinations each time I sleep in a new location, isn’t it worth it? To visit amazing places and do amazing things? Does the struggle make the rewards far greater? What does accomplishment mean if it’s easy?

Am I wrong? I’m an extremely stubborn person. I’ve quite literally gone miles down the wrong path before I admitted to myself I needed to turn around and go all the way back. Ended up vomiting from dehydration and almost passed out once while doing it, and almost froze to death another time. So tell me honestly.

Where do you prioritize these issues in your life? What are you willing to struggle for and to what degree? To what degree is it foolish? At the end of the day, where do you hope to be?

(I really do want to hear about your opinions and the experiences of others who have chosen one of either paths. I hadn’t intended for this to be so much about me. But, I suppose you all get where I’m coming from now when I question the various paths we have before us.)

I think one of the problems here is that we need to think of what WE want and not what we are pressured into... which is sometimes superhard to tell, especially if you grow up with perfectionist parents.

Or you simply live in society that has some standards. ANd I am talking society which values money before actual humane value.

it sorta reminds me of tales of mere existence

I’ve been wondering lately about the choices I’ve made – that we’ve all made in life. About priorities. My health, my family’s well-being, doing something meaningful in this world. I have done a lot of nothing but being broken and doing pretty much nothing but feeling horrible in this life. Simple tasks in life can effect me to such a horrible extent that I am naturally very non-functional.

Heh, yeah. I mean when I sought "help" I was told maybe university is not right for me. Walked right out of the room and never turned back. Yes, stress is bad for me, I have bad social anxiety and this does not mix at all with wanting to be in the field of politics or doing some "emotionally draining badly paid underappreciated job with long work hours, preferably in some bad or dangerous part of world.
But If I cannot get this, I may as well be dead. Because I am a person who wants to leave impact. If I don't..... than I am wasting planet's resources.

To those who have chosen a similar path – was it worth it? Same question to those who haven’t. I considered going on disability – still might have to at some point. But I want to be self-sufficient, even if I don’t live the most comfortable (or longest) of lives. I want my dignity. I don’t want my lover to be stuck trying to support me. Or other taxpayers who work long hours and are struggling, but don’t get the luxury of such support.

Yeah, I feel the same way. I need my dignity, I need my sense of purpose. I guess I value it more than simply breathing.

I know I’m best off when I eat right, sleep right, exercise appropriately, don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and live on an extremely steady routine without stress. I did all this for awhile, but the demands of the program have changed things. I can’t afford – primarily with time – to do the first, second, third, fourth or last of these. I could live in a small cottage the rest of my days surrounded by nothing but tranquility. But I want to see the world. Even if I wake up screaming and have to fend off hallucinations each time I sleep in a new location, isn’t it worth it? To visit amazing places and do amazing things? Does the struggle make the rewards far greater? What does accomplishment mean if it’s easy?


I am a globe trotter and yes, it sets you off. But all the amazing places are worth it, even if you halucinate black dogs and shadows from sleep deprivation... you forget the bad parts soon and you can remember "wow, that place was awesome".

Yeah, I get you... schedule is important, yadda yadda... but it gets tedious... reminds me of the joke that says that if you don't drink, smoke, eat unhealthy and have lots of sex... you will not really live longer, it will just seem that way.
Maybe one needs to balance between their needs and their desires. There was a book, dystopic novel "We" by Yevgeniy Zamyatin. The society banned all bad behavior, as it shortens lifes and decreses work efficiency. It was pretty desolate in the end. Nobody was happy for that.

First, I completely empathize with your present state. It's perfectly understandable to question some things given your current state of exhaustion and stress.

Everyone is happier living a stress free life, but the thing is, there is no such thing.

The thing about being on the outside looking in at the struggles that you are describing is that I can see that they are self-limited - as far as the degree program is concerned.

You will graduate, and this stressor will be removed. I would try my hardest to stick it out and finish. How much time do you have left?

Of course, it's really really important that you do try to eat something, stay warm and drink water. Lack of sleep, caffeine and exercise are often casualties of intensive programs, however, when you make it and finish - it'll likely be worth it in the long term.

Completion will give you options, you may chose NOT to pursue this career you've trained for, BUT, you will have that choice.

Just keep a bottle of water with you okay?

When I was finishing graduate school it was a street fight to the very end. I felt like I was constantly fighting myself, the program, my family, my life. BUT, I made it. There is some time now between me and finishing.

It was worth every single tear. I rose to the challenge and conquered. Talk about a confidence builder....

Venus - This is very true. I know that a lot of young people where I live really do not know what they want. There are a lot of young adults drifting aimlessly here. I figure one can not do that forever and at some point, one has to choose a direction and go somewhere. If you don’t like it, you can always use it to fund the pursuit of that dream you realized later. I’m not actually doing exactly what I wanted in life. But I still feel proud of it and find it to be worthwhile. And I’m driven on.

I absolutely hate getting the kinds of responses which you got from your university. In fact, I’ve noted that the program I’ve chosen is one of the worst for the kind of problems I have. It involves a lot of high stress social interaction. And ya know what? I think in some ways I actually improve from challenging myself. Hell, I’m not half as afraid to pick up a phone as I used to be. I notice people who focus completely on self-improvement often seem to be chasing their tails and never getting anywhere. It helps to focus outward. To find goals outside of oneself and pursue them.

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head regarding finding balance. It’s just that for people with mental health problems, there is going to be a whole lot more of doing uncomfortable, difficult, and even painful things in order to accomplish major goals. Fair, unfair (what is really fair though; as you are fond of mentioning, so many in the world are in far more horrid situations) it still must be done. Hah, I will have to read that dystopian novel though. It sounds about my speed.

Ellie – Yes, that is pretty much what I am doing. After this semester it will only be another year, and I’ve worked a lot on it. My worst issue is with next semester though, since there is a very high chance I’ll make a suicide attempt. No pain, no gain though, right? Hah. We’ll see how things go and I’ll try not to destabilize to that extent again.

- Still interested in hearing from those who have completed one of these routes and can offer feedback on how they think their lives have turned out as a result.

for me it's definitely been worth it. but i'm still a work in progress. sometimes it's painful to work on me but no pain, no gain. once i get to the other side of pain it strengthens my resolve. i've accomplished improvement.
at one point with my dx i was on SSI. i didn't want to be on disabilty if i could manage to avoid it. i returned to my corporate m'gt. job after intense therapy and became quite successful. not braggin'. just glad i had the courage. it has been rewarding. i'm getting better dealing with life.

I absolutely hate getting the kinds of responses which you got from your university. In fact, I’ve noted that the program I’ve chosen is one of the worst for the kind of problems I have. It involves a lot of high stress social interaction. And ya know what? I think in some ways I actually improve from challenging myself. Hell, I’m not half as afraid to pick up a phone as I used to be. I notice people who focus completely on self-improvement often seem to be chasing their tails and never getting anywhere. It helps to focus outward. To find goals outside of oneself and pursue them.

Yeah, I can fake it pretty well now. I mean, I did take on a project where I took care of 10 foreigners... and none of them suspected I may be social phobic or even some issues... well, some mentioned "crazy" in the feedback form, but they meant it as compliment. If I gave in I would never do this...

So maybe we can push ourselves a bit. Maybe everybody struggles in some way. Maybe many struggle in more ways than they admit.

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head regarding finding balance. It’s just that for people with mental health problems, there is going to be a whole lot more of doing uncomfortable, difficult, and even painful things in order to accomplish major goals. Fair, unfair (what is really fair though; as you are fond of mentioning, so many in the world are in far more horrid situations) it still must be done. Hah, I will have to read that dystopian novel though. It sounds about my speed.

What is fair? Maybe my quirks help me in some way (hey, I was riding on wave of mania during the project I lead... who cares I crashed when nobody was looking and slept for few days afterwards. I made it great and that is what matters...

Often people like to look through list of great people with MI... Lincoln was bipolar they say. If we accept the fact... would we want him to watch out his stress levels and yadda yadda... probably not, because that would be a loss for the world in the end...


Madis... I think having a purpose in life is the most important part of human experience... I call BS on people saying our jobs and hobbies and other things to do define us... because they totally DO.

Disclaimer;
I am so damn tired right now I can't even think straight, but Ive been wanting to get this out all day and I won't rest until I do, so here we go. Usually Im more artistic when I'm tired, so maybe I'll be able to offer more insight this way. I hope.

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"To those who have chosen a similar path – was it worth it?"

Ironically enough, its kind of why I never did choose a path... Anyone who knows me considers me to be "directionless", "aimless", "lost".... So on, so on... But really, I'm not too much... To a large degree I know what I want... Its just the ways to go about getting it just aren't feasible or they end up being so hard its almost impossible to think through. However, I've sort of compromised. By doing what I do now with dogs, its like a mini career that gives me a leg to stand on until I get to what I /really/ want. Which, now that I've sat down on, breathed and not stressed heavily about, can finally see... Took a whole lot of soul searching and a whole lot more time (or has it really?), but in the end I feel that I'm not making a mistake. Of course, this is subject to change once I start the road.... To be fair I haven't even stepped foot on my more permanent path yet, but.. We'll see. All I know is that if I'd locked down on something way earlier.... I'd have /never/ had the opportunity to have this wonderful profession I do now... And since I'm so in love with it... To me thats enough to make me grateful I didn't listen to a set of nagging mouths telling me to pick a school and a major and damn well do it.

On the flip side, I do envy those who have chosen something and are almost done. People who have are going to be making great money with great benefits way earlier than me and will still be able to further their career and life choices in any way they want. There are definite benefits to settling with something major temporarily to work up the ladder even more. The way I see it, incredibly hard programs will make anything else one seeks to do in the future look like a cake walk... When honestly my major program coming up will probably be horribly hard considering all I do now is work with animals.... I dont want to get too off tangent, so... Despite that a lot of people in my life think I've made tremendous mistakes, do I really regret it? Nope. Do I find it worth it? Yup. With this, I'll have two professions I'll thrive in. A handful of certifications (technology, animal handling, grooming) and a degree. It was a bit more time invested, but so far its been a pretty good journey. Often times I think we forget to enjoy that part of life when we're so focused on results.

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"But I want to see the world. Even if I wake up screaming and have to fend off hallucinations each time I sleep in a new location, isn’t it worth it? To visit amazing places and do amazing things? Does the struggle make the rewards far greater? What does accomplishment mean if it’s easy?"

Venus already hit this one pretty good but /yes/ it is worth it. This is your planet, your earth. You should certainly set out to see it. Even I'm not fully comfortable when I get to places... Its not even a breeze for me. I've traveled to places despite the fact that my ears have been in screaming agony for months afterwards... But Venus is right. Even though through the entire 3 months I was in Europe in 2003 my ears were bleeding and in pain from the flight.... I still only think back and say.. "Damn.. That was awesome!" And I honestly can't say that the positive usually outweighs the negative for most other experiences. I once had an opportunity to go to Australia. See the reefs, scuba dive, all that jazz. And I refused it on account of a long flight... Do I regret that now? You damn well bet I do. Was I comfortable or and in no pain because I didn't go? Yep... But &%*$, if I could go back in time. I'd take the discomfort over missing out on that...You can get another job. You can work with your health issues (like I did my ears and anxiety of flying)... But you can't always get another opportunity to get up and go. I especially like the last part of what you wrote. What does accomplishment mean if its easy? Some of my greatest memories and happiest times have a period of suffering of pain before them. But that does not lessen their values or make me regret it. It only heightens it.

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"Am I wrong? ... Where do you prioritize these issues in your life? What are you willing to struggle for and to what degree? To what degree is it foolish? At the end of the day, where do you hope to be?"

In some ways we are two peas in a pod. I'm not as outward about it, but I'm still taking a path many would disagree is wise. Damnit, I want to damn well be drawing characters for Disney or some little studio some day or on the animation team for the next "Bolt" sequel. And to hell with anyone and their "put money first" philosophy if they think I'm not going to get it. I'll do it even if I die with nothing but a small group of people clinging to my latest cheesy comic. Hahah. I dont think its foolish to take any path or do what is necessary to get to something you'd really like to do. No matter what amount it takes. I simply try to do it while taking those I care about into consideration as well. I like stubbornness! I honestly wish I were mooooore stubborn outwardly so I could have even more momentum! Honestly though Im not going to go so far that it jeopardizes the well-being of someone I care about or myself to such a degree that I can't function... That would completely defeat the point. So In a lot of ways, to answer your first question, I don't think you're wrong.



Sorry for the bible.

Ironically enough, its kind of why I never did choose a path... Anyone who knows me considers me to be "directionless", "aimless", "lost".... So on, so on... But really, I'm not too much... To a large degree I know what I want... Its just the ways to go about getting it just aren't feasible or they end up being so hard its almost impossible to think through

Reminds of tourguide I once had who claimed that if you don't know where you are going, you cannot get lost. We still got to see a lot of that country. And so many shady neighborhoods... but I guess as long as you are going somewhere and not standing on the place throwing hissy fit about being lost (yes, I met people like that. "I don't know what street we are on and where to go!"... well, let's go any direction and look for signs and omens. It is not gonna solve itself when you are stuck in one place. Unless a nice person comes in your way and leads you out. How often does that happen? Not too often. You have to look pretty desperate... but then again, many people don't want to deal with desperate people...).

Ok, there is something your all missing here but madisgram figured it out. One thing that happens to many of us and is really prominent globally now is a lack of structure. Someone can go to college and learn a lot about a lot of things and some people end up becoming professional students or even teachers, why? Well, the answer to that is that when we are in these environments, they actually provide us with structure and we do find comfort in that kind of atmosphere.

Human beings thrive on structure and even if we are presented with struture that isn't the best structure, if we can build our own personal structure within that structure we become less stressed and happier. Even a clique of people can exemplify a structure and those individuals hang in there because it offers a structure and in that we find comfort.

Venus, Social Phobia, you are more capable than you realize. Some of our very successful leaders had Social Phobia. If I think about America alone Washington, was a man that most likely had Social Phobia and he was no socialite but he was a proven human being when it came to getting something done. One of the things that you say a lot is "SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT" and I would have to say that Washington recognized that too. Now Washington didn't really want to be President but he did take on that job and did fine, but he was not by any means a socialite. But what he did have is access to those that had that capacity at his disposal and he did use those individuals to fulfill that capacity that was needed in government.

Another man that was a successful President was Ronald Regan and Ronald Regan was not a socialite Venus, he was well respected but he actually had no real close friends other than his wife. And he wasn't even the best father, but he was a great delegator and the one thing that people with Social Phobia have is a strong desire and skills for oranizing thoughts and plans and their comfort zone is in leadership and practicing what they know, giving speaches and certain interactions where they have a definite agenda, however when it comes time to lower down to a social level they monitor that very carefully. And to be honest is not even because they consciously know they have Social Phobia, however they do work around that. So don't sell yourself short. If you really think about your strong points like running a project, you did do it, because that is something you can do. Basically the social end that revolved around that is probably what took the most out of you. Now if you really think about it Venus, structure is actually your comfort zone when it comes to dealing with people, if your in charge of the structure and you have a definite plan for that structure. Think about your blog or whatever, that is your structure and you do fine with that.

So basically what we all thrive on is STRUCTURE and where we get lost is in learning how to provide our own structure. And we are supposed to learn this when we are young but that is not happening in families anymore, not the way it should be happening. And as far as our global condition, the reason why there is so much concern amongst the different societies is because the structure is failing in different ways and it effecting the personal stuctures in individuals world wide.

And Vibe, it is not so much that your learning or even taking difficult a course that is challenging you, what is really being challenged is your capacity to structure this learning course into something you can realistically manage.

I have talked about the power of doing something small and how that can fan out in a big way. What that means is that when someone picks something that is on a smaller scale they can actually present a structural way addressing that small situation. The reason why it can fan out is because if there is a reasonable workable stucture that is manageable and productive,well, that is something people will accept, gravitate to and utilize in other areas.

When we go and get an education we learn to learn and we are in a strutured class revolving around a subject that we are trying to learn. However I am sure you will recognize that if a professor or teacher is poorly stuctured in his teaching style no one is really happy and sometimes it can be a real waste of time to take that course from that professor. UNLESS someone can take the information and structure it on their own, which is not something everyone can readily do.

Okami, you have a lot things you would like to do in life and you haven't found a direct path to these things. But you have found something you say is temporary that your are enjoying and it is also helping you with some of your personal struggles with perhaps direction. This dog grooming or whatever it is has a structure to it and you like that, you may not have been able to be exposed to that before other than a school like structure. And though it may not be your life long dream, your learning something important, structure, how to have business that has a structure.

And when we talk about anxiety and depression and even what may appear as mania, what does that mean? Well, if we do not have structure in our lives and only dip in and out of different structures we feel very unfulfilled and anxious. And even depression is a struggle because somehow there was no real base for understanding any kind of structure or how to actually have structure on a personal level so perhaps depression is the only structure we can muster, ofcourse not truely consciously recognizing that.

One of the theraputic methods being used a lot is COGNITIVE THERAPY. Hmmm what does that mean, why does it help so much? It helps us because we form bad structures to our daily lives even in dealing with others and how we perceive other people and receive certain messages. Cognitive therapy is in itself structure for a better way to receive thoughts and interactions of others and to structure our responses and how we allow ourselves to feel about our responses.

Even meditation, there again is another stuctural method of learning how to relax and add that into our days. Even organized Faiths, again structure and people love and are drawn to structure. It is our design for existance.

So think about your question again Vibe and not if all this mountain of courses you have chosen is worth it. What you have to ask yourself is where is the stucture? Because if you cannot stucture this heep of a program, than what are you learning?
Sure, you may get through it, ok, even do ok and pass it but what is that going to do for you if you cannot structure that into something else in your life?

Statistically when someone retires their life span only lasts a couple of years. Why?
The people who live longer are the ones that structure their lives after they retire.
We have a young generation growing up to take over and where is structure? And I am not so unhappy about the fact that people are leaving that living high on the hog entitled atmosphere that has been going on for a while and now busted. Because that generation of offspring are one group of very entitled individuals that are not really privy to structure. Oh, perhaps the structure of opulance and possessions and false securities but not a whole lot of structure. No wonder they are so lost. Think about it, high divorce rates, woops don't know working relationship structures in parents. Oh the structure of going to school and doing homework and video games?
No real structure of working around the home and producing a working garden or other things, and many youths didn't really work, mom and dad or what was left of them supplied the spoils.

Here are two examples of successful entrapenuers, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, how much time did they spend in college or school? No, they didn't do that did they, no, they took ideas and built structures, small, to bigger to worldly.

Something to think about before you sell yourselves short. Both comfort and sense of accomplishment comes from the ability to achieve structure. Geez, even animals thrive on structure, even insects. So, Vibe, that is what you truely need to think about for your life and a true sense of self worth and fulfillment.

Open Eyes

An interesting person that is making great strides in the example of structure and growth from that structure is Jefferey R. Immett CEO of General Electric. President Barack Obama is appointing him as a Czar for economic developement in America.

Now heres a man that has a capacity to head new areas of structure and he is highly involved in various countries around the world and these countries are actually growing economically and he is right in there with supplying new technology because the demand is there and there is a structure that is flourishing and he is not afraid of growth because he has accomplished the ability to present successful structurally sound productive companies.

An interesting person to watch and see what becomes of him. But he is definitely attracting attention, why? Think about it, there is a successful structrual promise with him, might not be the best route but he will draw and that is because the promise of structure is alway a draw, again people are always drawn to structure, it is human nature.

Open Eyes

And another example of a great sense of loss in structure is Egypt and what is going on there now. What chaos is going on there and all the people demanding structure and no progress and this quest for a democracy and yet they don't really know how to structure that. The only structure is the control of the chaos. That country is ripe for the first person who can present some kind of picture of a conceivable structure and that doesn't mean good structure either, just a promise can draw that crowd in a direction. And I personally think that situation is very sad because there is a country that has so much rich culture and archiological history. And still more to yet discover, how sad it would be to lose that.

Open Eyes

Well, I completed my program. It was absolutely worth it. I certainly do not regret the struggle or effort to finish.

It also helped to reinforce the idea that mental problems do not necessarily have to be limiting. Yes we have more to carry than most, but it's manageable.

It's worrying to hear that you are already worried about next semester, when it's not even here yet. Just take it one day at a time and do what needs to be done on that day.

It's impossible to predict the future, but you certainly can influence it with negative thoughts right now.

Vibe,
I know I talked alot about structure here, I just wanted you to find your way to manage YOU so that you don't get overwhelmed. You mentioned your thought about SI and that often comes from being overwhelmed and pushing without the comfort of structure. No matter what you want to be please keep that in mind. It is really not as hard as one thinks to develope structure to you and your life. It can always start off small and you, yourself can add more as you learn.

What I tried to do is give you a lot of examples of how structure is the key to comfort and the chaos that happens without it, something we often do not realize.
Even with a menatal illness or issue of somekind you can find comfort by thinking about how you can structure your life a little at a time. Dont think of it as abiding by the structures of others that may not work for you, it is about developing your own sense of it and growing with it that will help you overcome all those other emotions, stress, anxiety, and SI because those come when we stray away from structure to chaos. And we often just do not realize it. It can be that hidden agenda that we are not consciously aware of, but we feel something is missing and because we don't see what is missing we feel useless and so misguided. It requires you to look within yourself and learn what kind of stucture you would flourish in and what you need within that structure. When you go to school and learn, think about what you are learning and how it is going to help you personally instead of trying to make the grade for just a system. If you were to pick up a book of your choice, that would be for you, something you want to experience and learn on your own. Well, the same is true of education and taking courses, it is about you and filling your needs, nothing more.

You ask is it worth it, but you are also expressing that you are pushing yourself and feeling like you are being driven and are you going to push through it. You are trying to keep up with something and afraid if you may not be able to handle some kind of other structure that has a lot to it, not your own structure.

I just want you to really think about your own structure that you personally take on with each thing you venture into, that is what is going to bring you more comfort than anything else. And your not alone in your questions Vibe, all students worry about this as they enter into different curriculims and wonder if they are going to get swept away or will fail somehow. That is when you need to slow down and think about your own personal way of structuring that experience and that you can really do that. And the personal pleasure is learning about how you personally can navagate your way, as everyone developes their own style.

For example: My own daughter had to learn that when she entered college and she was a bit overwhelmed, however the other girls in her dorm were also overwhelmed.
Slowly my daughter thought out her own way to structure and navagate her way through her coarse load, because she had learned this at home and in high school.
So she picked up her own way of structure that she had used before and settled in.
She actually had to help the other girls do the same and they all began to settle in.
And the one thing she did do is talk to them about how they personally found their way in the past and how they could add to that. And in her dorm room each of the girls began to practice their own style of structure and it was kind of interesting to see, because they were all unique, however someone gave them permission to be just that, so they settled down.

I am trying to do that for you Vibe. I know its there and you can do it, it all about how YOU can take whatever it is your learning or whatever schedule is there and use your own unique way of progressing through it. That is how you do it, and if your not exactly sure, take time out and plan how YOU can personally structure it for YOU. And by doing that you will slowly take off the pressure. Your unique Vibe and part of the gain is finding your own unique way to apply whatever it is you learn. You need to give yourself permission to find you and not allow yourself to say you cant do life, thats not fair to you, because you can, it has to be Your own way and you can find that, give yourself permission to do that Vibe.

Open Eyes

I have to admit I have been through similar situations and paths of which, the stress somehow encapsuled me, where I knew it was effecting my wellbeing, yet the wheels were in motion.{ The stress response; the body's response to a demand.}
The word perspective comes to mind, to step back and see the bigger picture. Weigh the assets and liabilities and put it into context.
Me, I personally, have trouble following through on things. I did 2 yrs.of a 4 yr. college, 1 yr. of a 4 yr military contract. In and out of relations all my life. I used to and still do, regret not finishing college,I am still in and out of jobs. Yet, there are people with masters looking for work. so who knows. Ultimately, I now tend to fall back more on my religious and spiritual beliefs, and ask for help, and listen for answers, from a higher authority. I went through conventional prayer, yoga, buddhism, back to christianity, I now put less emphasis on the things of society and the world. Which are transient and unsatisfactory, by nature.
Today, I put in daily exertions and efforts,try to stay balanced and positive, and practice contentment with the results. B-B