I think that most people have a tendency to some kind of isolation. Whenever it comes to being a social person there is a real risk of being hurt or maybe even not understanding how to exibit the right effect where we wont be hurt somehow. I think for anyone who struggles with any kind of MI there is a deep sense of inadequacy and that can put any of us in a desire to withdraw and slowly convince ourselves that the effort to interact with others can cause more harm than good.

I know for myself that with what I am struggling with which is a horrible case of PTSD I am isolating. And it is a byproduct of my issue. But as much as people in my past have truely hurt me, even abused me, I still have a love for humanity and a never ending desire to understand humanity. As I have experienced my own struggles I have this deep sense of compassion for others that struggle too.

I have to say that in my time here at PC I have met a lot of people that struggle with different issues and I see that people here, to the depths of them are really very nice people for the most part. What I have learned is that often they truely do not understand their issues and often they can trigger and react in a way that just shows me that somewhere they lacked the right caregiver to help them address life properly and truely feel worthy somehow.

Fortunately I was able to lead a life path that allowed me to see a lot of where many issues begin. Pretty much anyone that has read a lot of my posts can read a constant message about children and how they imprint and what it means to each person when they get olde. I have expressed how it can truely effect their perceptions about themselves and others and life in general. I, myself, am very much included in that complicated developement of perception issues that can impede my own judgements and reactions to other human beings. I truely can see why different people isolate, get confused, depressed and have a difficult time understanding life, themselves and others. I have seen members react against each other at times and because I have learned some things about their troubled pasts I can often see why they react poorly to each other. I find that very triggering because that is all I saw growing up being the youngest and seeing members of my family fighting all the time. It was all about each of them displaying their own issues and not knowing anything but acting out poorly. Now I can see all the reasons, but as the youngest of three children in a house of chaos, I truely could not see it for what it was back then, only that I never felt safe and had a constant question of why it was that way.

Because of the way I have been exposed to so many children over many years, so many people who have shown me so many different variations of lifestyles, I have learned a lot. And even though it might seem that along the way I did learn alot, well, I still had my own issues that were presented to me when I grew up. I had a lot of challenges with other human beings in my life and while I did my best to deal and overcome etc, well, it definitely left some scars that I was truely not aware of. In that I am very much challenged just like many other members here at PC. I think that one of the reasons this site is so attractive to many is that after a while of being here we all learn that to some extent, we are not as alone as we had thought.

TRIGGERS! Wow, when I first came to PC I had no idea what that meant. I had not really been exposed to a therapist that had explained that to me, why is beyond me, perhaps either therapists assumed that I somehow knew what that meant or perhaps they themsleves didn't know what that meant. All I know is that when I came here the one thing I did know is I had a diagnosis that I truely didn't understand and the one word I heard all my life is that I WAS VERY MISUNDERSTOOD. So when I came here I just decided to openly address other people and let myself hang out there. However I was crippled with constant anxiety that I truely didn't understand as well. I was consumed by PTSD symptoms and I truely didnt understand what that meant either. Oh I did try to understand it, but unfortunately I must have met every psychiatrist and therapist that seemed to know enough to diagnose it but clearly either didn't understand it or know how to explain it to a patient.

I joined PC in March and was leaving a therapist that had admitted being a recovering haroine/alcohol addict, self procraimed narcissistic tendencies and was also addressing severe anxiety issues and oh, and admitted habitual lier. Ok, can you imagine that? Oh, and he was going through a divorce and told me that he was very behind on his maturity level as all addicts are and he could not seem to stay in any relationship more than five years, oh, do I feel sorry for those women. Ofcourse I had been in therapy a couple of months treating my PTSD, which he made some mistakes in treating me, and I didn't learn about him right away, thankfully I made a decision to interview him in a kind of sneaky way and he was going through so much he felt I was very intelligent and capable of taking his issues on. And there is that dam word intelligent again, an oh, I should be a therapist too. Sigh............

So, to say the least, I was not in the best frame of mind when I came to PC and I was isolating in total confusion. The one thing I didn't do is put anyone on ignore or block anyone, I was learning about what triggers were for the first time and started a journey into discovering that I had ALOT of triggers that I was truely not aware of. Sometimes I felt that, MY GOD, I am going to go crazy with this PC. And I almost left a few times because I was triggered and I was very confused not only in PC, about PC, but outside PC as well. And I could not seem to locate a therapist that truely specialized in treating PTSD in my area other than a place that specialized in it that charged a patient $300 for the initial visit and $250 per session which I truely could not afford as I have no insurance.

If anyone knows me at all perhaps they might remember my constant efforts to put PTSD into words and I know many of my posts were somewhat lenghty. Actually I have learned the what I was doing was really good for me, something trama victims are encouraged to do.

I have been isolating as much I can while trying to unravel so much confusion within myself and coming to PC. I truely understand why people isolate and even come here and even find some solace in PC.
I have learned so much by coming here and I did finally find a therapist that isn't perfect but I am trying to work with him and focus on building a relationship that is truely theraputic. How I look at isolating is that I have been dealing with a lot of things that I truely did not understand and I did know that I was extremely sensitive and could not control many of the effects of the PTSD that I was struggling with. I think that isolation can be very problematic if someone doesn't make efforts to truely understand WHY they are isolating. I was not able to completely isolate, I had to still try to work and I also was still being very challenged and even trapped in a bad situation that truely aggrivated my disorder or psychological condition. I don't know if that was good or bad but it sure did present crippling triggers that I was truely not aware of or had the ability to comprehend or control. I truely feel that I was not given enough down time to comprehend what I am addressing. It has been very difficult.

I understand why different members want to isolate, even embrace it, as I have done that myself. The one thing I urge anyone who isolates is to find out why you feel that need, keep digging deeper and though it may seem that is the only way to feel safe in life, that can be a perception problem. As much as I have been isolating as much as possible IRL, I have not been isolating completely because I have come here to PC. I am learning all the time, about others, about myself and my goal is to find a better understanding of myself and give myself a right to participate more in interacting with others IRL and not just isolate. I understand that personal journey for each person, that sense of a need for isolation, but my recomendation is to not give up on yourself and to find ways to connect again. We are all sensitive,
but we all have to recognize that we are all human and we all deserve to find ways to connect to each others IRL. I have a lot of respect for other members here at PC and I have learned a lot from many here.
I wish all well in their search to understand others better and understand themselves as well.

Open Eyes