I would make a list of all the feelings in this post and express and work on them one-by-one in therapy, maybe rank order them from easiest to say and think about to hardest?:

"I do not feel able to talk much at all."

"It all hurts so bad."

"You ask me questions but I feel I cannot say anything."

"I feel so so so stuck."

"I just want to put my hands over my ears and scream shut up."

"I want to tell you to shut up."

"I want the miserable thoughts in my head to shut up."

"You seem to point out the obvious to me (that I am shut down) and I feel so sarcastic toward you."

"When I am able to tell you something (I have had a bad week) you respond by asking me more questions (what a bad week meant and what went on) I do not feel I can talk about."

"When I tell you about my negative behavior (not going to work) you point out the obvious again (that not going to work will isolate me and cause a downward spiral) or ask more questions I do not feel I can answer."

"I feel like a spoiled miserable brat thinking and saying bad things about or to you and i just want to leave."

I hate that I think and say bad things about and to you and that I feel I cannot stop."

I feel you do not deserve my behavior and my pushing you away; it seems like this is a goal of mine.


It is feelings and will go away in the sense that a dream goes away but it will probably come back until you work on it.

"I hate when you talk about memories and flashbacks."

"I just want to hide from the hurt and difficulty of it all."

Look at the progression your thoughts and feelings make. You go from not being able to talk about anything and only feel stuck (diffuse) to saying sophisticated things like hating when she talks about memories and flashbacks. You can see and judge yourself to be "acting" in a particular way (like a spoiled, miserable, brat). I don't think the judgement is correct, I think you are very frightened and have not yet worked on developing good skills to help with the fear and dealing with it confidently.

But look at all you know! You know you cannot hide, you know you need to go to work instead of isolating, that you cannot get away and those are good things to know, if difficult and painful!

Did you ever read about when I went rappelling down a cliff with a bunch of 20-somethings, only one of whom had limited experience? We should not have done it! But another woman I admired/felt similar to did it so I decided I had to do it also. I started down the 100 foot drop but the beginning was "curved" and that's not good; I got down a little way and got stuck on a tiny ledge a few inches wide. I was too far from the top to go back up and was scared witless about continuing down.

What to do? I reasoned I could not climb back up. I inserted a little "humor" into it by realizing that no helicopter could land on a ten-inch ledge and "rescue" me. I also realized that I could not stay there forever, I would have to continue down, even if it killed me. So, I did. That part of the drop went well and was over sooner than I would have liked; I got the idea of how to rappel and enjoyed it (but not enough to try the next, higher cliff; one of our people "fell" the whole several hundred yards down, holding the rope and even with heavy gloves on had rope burns on his hands).

You are making progress to have had this experience you posted so eloquently here! Write a paragraph about each of the feelings you expressed in this post and give one paragraph a week to your T? Think about how you could get a little unstuck? Just telling us you are feeling stuck is loosening behavior! It takes a really long time! It is not going to happen like therapy is WD-40 and you a rusted-on nut